February 2002

Dear Jane,
I have been a great admirer for several years and deeply appreciate what you have done for all of us who are of special sexual bent. I have a dilemma in the romance department . . .

I’m in a new relationship with a lady I really like. Now that we are becoming intimate I’m finding that she is quite conventional. I have been doing my best to communicate that I want to worship and obey her, to treat her like a goddess. I tell her that I respond passionately to that and that if she tries it she will probably love it. So far, not much luck. She tries all the conventional turn-ons but without some femdom I come off almost impotent.

I have thought about asking her to listen to your tape, “How to Dominate Your Man” but I’m wondering if that might be a bit too frank. Also wondering if there needs to be a degree of acceptance of femdom before someone gets into the “how to” phase.

What do you think? Can you email her and impart some understanding? Do I go with the tape or do you have other ideas or products? Do you have advice for me?

Worshipfully yours,
David

Dear David,
Your query touches on an issue that fascinates me and frustrates legions of men: Why do some women seem so reticent about engaging in anything but what society claims is the “norm” of sexuality? Is this the Judeo-Christian framework of sex-as-procreative lingering in our psyches . . or is it one too many episodes of watching the chaste Ozzie and Harriet in their twin beds when we were little girls? I really don’t know. I, too, was a vanilla-only girl until I met someone who introduced me to 31 flavors. Until that time, I didn’t know anything else and don’t know if, at a younger age, I would have so eagerly taken to doing the wild thing, well, wildly. In my former sexual persona, it was my awareness (and use) of my abundant, creamy breasts and the swaying of my feminine hips that proffered the come-on. How much richer life is now that I am able to transgress the obviousness of sexuality for the subtle, cerebral, endlessly creative, and far more powerful, connections I get to experience. But, as you note, David, so many women generally seem to be slow to let their hair—and guard—down.

I wonder if, despite the sexual revolution and women’s liberation, men are the sexually adventurous creatures in our culture, and it is women who are generally retiring and conventional. Psychiatric literature notes that women are without fetishes. Does this mean that some men are creatively sexual because they are driven to their kinkiness by their overpowering fantasy? Do women need the same sort of biologically built-in push in order to experiment in the bedroom?

I wonder if creative sexuality were to become fashionable, not in the fringes of society where, say, rock stars and dominatrices reside but in what we regard as the mainstream of our culture, that women would more eagerly partake. What if Jennifer Aniston, Maya Angelou, Katie Couric, and Oprah “came out” as sexually adventuresome . . . would knowledge that silk ties and spanking paddles and rubber underwear are stowed under their beds make it more palatable to women who pick up their kids in minivans? In our celebrity culture, perhaps female celebrities themselves could change the bedroom behavior of masses of women. After all, they pin a fake flower to their sweater and so we do; they get a pixie haircut and so we do; they do yoga and so we do; if they tie their boyfriends up, then we, too, might find this acceptable—indeed, even fashionable.

I recorded “How to Sexually Dominate Your Man” in response to the problem men encounter with reluctant women. The resulting product is an hour-long discussion of the mind set necessary to engage in creative sexual play, along with a few “how-tos.” If done with the heart and the head, D&S and role play can be done effectively without knowing many “how tos.” Even without leather outfits and special gear a woman can engage a man’s mind. In fact, it is conventional women—i.e., wives—that men want to play with. No cracking of whips, they tell me; a teasing smile and off-hand but knowing comment over dinner is the ticket to a kinky man’s libido.

I’m wearing stilettos, darling David, and if you would be so kind, I’d like help down now from my soap box. Ah, yes, thank you. Now for some practical advice. . . . Take it slow and steady, sweetie. Wrap your sexuality around hers instead of asking or expecting her to supplant hers with yours. I still sway my hips when I walk, after all. You can’t expect a woman who’s eaten fish sticks all her life to appreciate sushi the first time out—or to abandon her beloved fish sticks altogether.

Take it slow. Show her gently. Surround new activities with ones she knows. For example, tell her you’d like to paint her toenails one evening. Circle the bed with candles and fragrance; make the evening romantic. Advance from toenail painting to leg massage or a bath a deux. Tell her to let you know exactly where she likes to be touched and how—this is the beginning of her new “goddess” role, after all. Be honest in your communication and respect limits.

You asked for reading material for your lover. “The Art of Sensual Female Dominance,” by Claudia Varrin, is excellent. Don’t be afraid of the coiled whip on the cover; this book recognizes that D&S activities exist on a continuum; Ms. Varrin feels that “soft” is not that much different from “hard” domination. I also love Sallie Tisdale’s book, “Talk Dirty to Me,” a philosophy of sexuality. Open-minded and rich in thought, Ms. Tisdale expresses feelings that many women possess but haven’t found the words for.

You asked if I would e-mail your sweetheart. No! Imposing my views onto a woman without being asked for my opinions is a certain path to resistance on her part. Anyway, that’s your job. And it should be a very, very pleasurable one. As Valentine’s Day approaches, be a sweet boy . . . Kudos to you for honoring your sexuality enough to disclose your desires to your lover. I hope she realizes that in doing so you care for her very much. Your could-be and possibly will-be goddess has a special partner in you.

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