April 2002

Dear Jane,
About a year ago, curiosity got the best of my husband and he mail-ordered one of those “penis pumps.” I knew them to be devices that improve erections and increase size. I told him he was crazy and that his six inches were plenty for me. I guess he feels inferior from watching all that porn . . . .

Well, after the pump arrived we found it to be great fun as it serves for delightful warm-up before intercourse. I have actually gotten good at teasing him with it. I put the transparent tube on him and pump him up. It’s wild to watch him grow, knowing I’m in control. I pump him up, then release the vacuum, then do it again . . . and again. The erections it produces are beautiful. After toying with him, he begins to reach for my breasts while his cockhead glistens with pre-cum . . . and we go (or should I say cum) from there. I love the fullness of him when he finally penetrates me.

My husband says he’s added about a quarter inch to his length and he’s pretty much rarin’ to show it off to me. A friend of mine says this is not actual anatomical growth, only a stretching of existing tissue. Who’s right?

Pumped Up

Dear Pumped,
I have to admit to a private little giggle over your husband’s size anxiety . . . until I remembered that we women are buying the same thing in a jar of beauty cream that your husband was buying when he purchased his penis enlarger: hope. Alas, hope springs eternal as both sexes continually try to find ways to improve upon what we should be thankful nature bestowed upon us in the first place.

One quickly learns the depth of male size anxiety when they start researching the world of penis pumps. One from “Dr. Joel” at www.A1Asextoys.com sounds like it could double as a tire inflater; it contains a “state-of-the-art air valve which allows quick release from the pump while maintaining pressure within the cylinder,” for $150. It comes with a “daily workout schedule and detailed instructions for maximum enlargement.” Another, the Commando Pump, for $46.95, emasculates a man while trying to sell to him: it’s a “magnificently shaped hunk-sized pump.” For the budget-minded anxiety-ridden, the Stallion Pumper can be had for the pony price of $12.95.

A site called www.penisimprovement.com promises a larger, thicker penis in a program based upon “our collection of the most recent studies, including Nobel Prize winning research.” What you get for your $92.99 and loss of dignity is access to a manual on the site and a testosterone test kit. The site www.drjoelkaplan.com offers a pump that it claims is FDA-approved for erectile dysfunction and impotence. Dr. K promises “permanent increase in penis length, penis girth, scrotal enlargement,” that will cost you $317, and a bit of pride. I’ve seen motors on water skiing boats that were smaller.

Then there are the pumps that duplicate, uh, parts . . . the “blow job simulating pump” retails for just $29 to $34 and for only $23, less than dinner for two, one can buy the Power Piston, a “vibrating vagina masturbator.” The next best thing to being there . . . .

Given that worry over penis size is rampant among men, don’t you think that if these devices worked, every man would be carrying around a ten-incher in his shorts? Dr. Kaplan’s pump works, his site explains, because the suction causes a huge erection and then a strap is wrapped around the base of the penis so it stays engorged. This intense hard-on allegedly stretches the penis muscles, expands capillaries, and, in six to eight weeks—voila!—and a man is, well, more man.

Pity this isn’t quite true. Used compulsively a man runs the risk of getting lymph blisters on the glans of his penis from the contraption itself, even running the risk of bleeding from burst capillaries. Indeed, suddenly sucking a lot of blood into the penis can rupture some penile blood vessels. Ironically, all of this can lead to temporary impotence. Urologist Rafael Wurzel at New Britain General Hospital in Connecticut warns that “these pumps were designed to help improve rigidity. When they are misused to obtain enlargement, the tissue of the penis stretches out.” Ick.

In short, these pumps work because they’re sucking blood into the penis. Your husband is more rigid, and that’s about it. However, you needn’t mention this to him. You are clearly seeing (and reaping) the benefits of enhancement of self-esteem, not cock. And you are using the pump in exactly the correct way: to have fun. It’s especially satisfying to use with a lover who craves being teased about what a tiny little cock he has, reminding him that he has no choice but to use such a device if he harbors even scant hope of being able to please you.

And that, again, brings us back to hope. Your husband is testament to Samuel Johnson’s wisdom, that hope is itself a species of happiness, and, perhaps, the chief happiness . . . .Enjoy your pump on occasion, and love your husband for being as human as the rest of us.

Dear Jane,
I have been house-sitting at my friend’s and his girlfriend lives there. The girlfriend left panties, both used and clean, out on the couch with the laundry and a pair on the floor. It makes me so hard every time I walk by those panties; I just want to masturbate with them every day. I’m wondering if I should move them or take a pair so she knows that I was playing with them. Do you think it sounds like she was leaving them out for me to see? She has so many sexy pairs. I don’t know if I should take a pair or just use them for my pleasure as much as possible before they return home. . .What do you think?

Dear Horny Boy,

Be thankful for a magazine’s long lead times, horny boy. By the time you read this, you will have jerked off into every pair of panties lying about, clean or used. You will have soiled every style and color, and violated the dainty fabric of each remnant of femininity that the girlfriend left lying about. You will feel slightly guilty but immensely relieved. I hope you washed and put away every single pair you paid naughty tribute to, bad boy. I assure you she did not leave the panties out for you. Be honest: you would have had a raging hard-on walking past her dresser, if she had put her dainty items away. Be thankful for the perks of the job and hope they ask you again.

Jane is the owner of X-traordinary Talk! and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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