August 2002

Dear Jane,

A few years ago I started wearing my wife’s panties at your request just to see how they looked. After that, my wife gave me three pairs of her panties. I wore these a few times when we’d go out and later we’d have great sex.

This was fine until she caught me wearing them—and pantyhose—to work. She made me promise not to wear them ever again.

The problem is that I really enjoy wearing them and have started wearing bras and other lingerie secretly under my clothes at work. I have fantasized many times about making love to her fully dressed as a woman, but I’m afraid to approach her with the idea.

She said when she caught me the first time she didn’t know how to deal with it. Can you give me some advice?

Confused

Dear Jane,

I’m a married man who has been dressing in women’s clothes for years. My wife doesn’t know of my fetish. A lot of times, I surf the web in my panties, and masturbate. I’ve noticed that I’ve been doing this more and more. I feel guilty and have tried to stop.

I was reading one of your past columns in which you wrote, “Is time being taken away from your work? Is attention being robbed from your wife?” and I realized that this is happening to me. I often go in to work late so I can dress up and play with myself after my wife leaves for work. I often stay up late doing the same, after she goes to bed.

I love my wife dearly, and I don’t want our marriage to suffer. She may not be all that understanding if I were to just tell her. She found proof that her boss was surfing for images of TV’s, TS’s, and CD’s, and she said she lost all respect for him. I don’t look at these pictures, but I imagine that she would look even worse on a male who dresses in women’s clothes. Actually, she even speaks distastefully of a local TV. This has frightened me out of ever mentioning it to her. I want to keep this under control. I would appreciate any help you can give me.

Concerned

Dear Confused and Concerned,

I can see I need to sit you boys down together for a good hard talking-to. Pay attention now. I’m only going to go through this once. Brace yourselves for a bit of castigation. Relax, bad boys. I said castigation, not castration.

I’ll start with you, Confused, who denies responsibility for panty-wearing; yes, baby boy, it’s all my fault. Just like it’s my fault you didn’t take the trash out last night. So spank me . . . . (please). But now that you’re hooked, my dear Confused, it sounds as though your wife was fine with you wearing her panties when you two went out together. And I assume she was also reaping the rewards of “good sex” after you wore her panties going out.

Her reaction was quite different when she discovered you were dressing in additional female undergarments at work without her knowledge. This could indicate that A) she is at least somewhat accepting but needs to be involved, as she was with the initial panty-wearing and/or that B) she has no understanding of a man’s desire to play around with a bit of cross-dressing.

My precious Concerned, you’re keeping it a secret altogether and you’re suffering the consequences of your secrecy: increased desire and compulsivity. The greater the repression of sexuality, the more it grabs hold.

Like your friend Confused, you make assumptions about your wife. You think she lost respect for her boss because of his Internet activity; she may have lost respect because he was using work time to pursue private interests. You really don’t know. You’re frozen in fear and each of us, in our fear, assumes the worst. Having said this, I have to admit that the solution for you boys, caught between fear and desire, takes a commitment to self-acceptance, revelation, as well as a dose of courage.

I acknowledge that you are taking risk here, my darling, scared little boys. There are misconceptions about cross-dressing, even that as minimal as yours, and a great deal of emotion around what it might mean. Please remember that taboos associated with it are entirely cultural; there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to don women’s underclothing. Your wife might think it means you’re gay (it doesn’t) or weird (you’re not) or sick (you’re very well indeed, randy boys). She also might feel that it’s panties, not her, which turns you on, creating an understandable jealousy on her part. So, just how do you manage the risk and still get to the point that your wife will accept and engage with you?

The key to self-disclosure with your wife is trust. Trust is vital to achieving your goals. If you want your wife’s trust, you must first trust yourself. Essential to this is self-acceptance. For self-acceptance is key to your sexual healing. Are you really sure you don’t harbor feelings of guilt or shame? If you do, your wife will sense that and trust will be harder to establish. How can you ask for her trust if you don’t even trust yourself? Grapple with self-acceptance on your own or with an understanding and supportive therapist. Don’t grapple with the fetish; grapple with your acceptance of it. Once you have it, the three points following are de rigeur if you’re going to get—quite literally—into her panties.

First, trust in your relationship reduces risk that she’ll toss you out on your nylon-covered tush for telling her about yourself. It helps if it already exists in your relationship: it’s easier to extend trust into a new area than to build it from scratch.

Second, trust recognizes that your partner has needs, too. Isn’t it telling that the most common question I receive is, “How can I find a partner” and the most common complaint I receive is, “My partner doesn’t want to/can’t/won’t play with me.” Of course, most of you want to find a partner without disclosing your sexual proclivities, and then you want understanding and acceptance after the vows have been uttered. While I have great compassion and caring for you precious boys who write, I find that a certain me-me-me chord is struck quite often.

I know you harbor special desires. I know you want to act them out with an accepting partner more than anything. I know you experience loneliness and feel that no one can appreciate what you have to go through in order to find even a modicum of fulfillment. Poor, precious babies. I do want to hold you in my arms and offer you comfort.

I also want to turn you over my knee and teach you a lesson. When we aren’t getting our own needs met, we forget that our partner has them also. Try putting the stiletto on the other foot . . . . Confused and Concerned, have you ever considered that your wives might have particular fantasies that, if you knew about them, might make you squirm a bit, might require a bit of understanding on your part?

What if you found out your wife harbored a fantasy about being raped by a big, strapping brute from another race? Or wanted three-way sex . . . you not included. Or coveted not your best friend, but your best friend’s wife? Or that she craved ordering you, at her whim, to your knees to service her clitorally? OK, I know you’re more comfortable with the latter . . . . The point is that you might work harder to learn her fantasies before spending a lot more time complaining about your needs not being met.

To build the trust required to ultimately get you what you want, start moving incrementally toward your goal through a sort of value-exchange with your beloved. Do things that she values and return ask her to do things you value. Start with an exchange that’s fairly small. Reach out and try to address a small fantasy that she harbors such as (you’ll think I’m kidding here, but it’s a place to start) getting your household chores done without her having to ask. Seeing what a good guy and worthy partner you are, you’ll segue easily to sexual exchanges. In return, ask your wife to wear special panties that turn you on.

As the exchanges slowly escalate, ask her to stroke your body with her panties during lovemaking. Eventually, if you don’t blow it by taking it too fast, she’ll agree to masturbate you with her panties. Finally, you’ll be wearing her panties—and other things as well—if you’re very, very good at giving back in spades.

Moving slowly and incrementally demonstrates your desires are not threatening and don’t undermine your relationship with her. At each stage, you’re exchanging something—you’re giving to her—and building trust in the process.

Be realistic. Your wife may never share your enthusiasm, but at least you’ll have her acceptance. And you’ll be closer as a result. Sex is a form of communication as well as a form of communion; please consider working on both ends. Don’t go through life with catchers’ mitts on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

Also, ask yourself what you’re getting out of not telling her. What’s truly the worst that can happen? Sweet boys, you will be liberated if you open your heart. Lies and secrets are a waste of time. Don’t spend a frustrated existence alone, in panties, jerking off in front of your computer.

Our sexuality is core to our being. Sexual union with our mate is central to our relationship with them overall. Failure to honor both is to live a life that falls short of joyful, as you both know all too well. They deserve to know the precious, creative soul they married as much as you deserve their knowing you.

Jane is the owner of X-traordinary Talk! and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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