December 2002

Dear Jane,

Being a New York City firefighter at the scene on 9-11, I knew I was lucky to be alive. The disaster put me in the hospital with burns to my arms and hands. I was helpless as nurses were assigned to my room day and night to assist me with the everyday activities like eating and bathing and so on.

Past the critical stages of recovery, I began to enjoy my frequent contact with the sexy, uniformed ladies in white. They considered me a hero who deserved the best treatment.

One morning one of the nurses who assisted me in changing uncovered a full morning erection. She just smiled and dismissed it by saying, “My goodness, did you have sweet dreams?” But my erections became more and more frequent as I was unable to have sex or masturbate during this ordeal. The mere anticipation of a sponge bath gave me full wood.

Very late one night, that same nurse entered the tent area of my bed and announced that I needed some nursing . . . . This time, she was very deliberate as she fondled me directly and gave me warm sympathy for my pounding strain. “I’ll take care of you, sweetie,” she whispered. With that, she returned and slipped a towel under my butt, propped me up in bed, and furtively allowed me a sample of her pretty nipple. Then she gave me a slow, lubricated hand job.

I have since left the hospital and am fully recovered . . . But I find myself gasping for another experience like that. How do I re-create that scene, short of hiring a pro? I never knew it was in me, but now I want so much to be dominated sexually.

One of the lucky,
J.M.

Lucky indeed—on a number of fronts. You’ve heard the one about the queen of England visiting one of Canada’s top hospitals, haven’t you? During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. “Oh my goodness!” exclaimed the queen. “That’s disgraceful! What’s the meaning of this?”

The doctor leading the tour explained, “I’m sorry, your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t do that five times a day, they would explode and he most likely would die instantly.” “Oh, I am sorry,” said the queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. “Oh my heavens!” said the queen. “What’s happening in there!?” The doctor replied, “Same problem, better health plan.”

As all Americans are grateful to you, be grateful in turn for your hero status (not to mention your really good health plan) . . . .you’ve become a sex object for millions of women.

Even with your new status, it’s understandable that you might be uncomfortable in disclosing your newfound desire to explore a dominant/submissive dynamic in your sex. Realize that women have role-playing fantasies, too. Discover what sorts of role playing turns on the women in your life. I suspect one or two have fantasies, for instance, of being rescued by a fireman. This provides a perfect segue into your own disclosure about being tended by a nurse who knows just what she wants.

You also might want to check with that really good health plan you have to see if extended at-home nursing care is provided.

Dear Jane,

I am a 35-year-old virgin who, while not unattractive or lacking for casual female friends or social skills, is unable to attract females. Lack of sexual charisma is how I define it. And while erotica in general and your videos and audio CDs in particular can satisfy my sexual urges, I long for the warmth, touch, and feel of a woman.

I’m going to Las Vegas next month for a few days of fun. The lure of hiring escort services is very strong. Right now I feel this is the only way I’m going to have sex. Granted, sex with a prostitute is cold, soulless, and without passion that lovers have. But, in a way, I look at this as a chance to experience and explore the female body as well as to see if I have what it takes to make love to a woman.

I want your opinion on whether I should hire the services of an escort to lose my virginity. I respect your opinion, Jane, as both a woman and as someone who knows more about these matters than I do.

Stay well,
Ted

Dear Ted,

Because women don’t fall all over you, you think you don’t have sexual charisma? Come now. Don’t tell me you don’t have sexual charisma, Ted. Everyone has it. If Margaret Thatcher has it, you do: A poll taken in the early ’80s and repeated in 1999 revealed that a third of all British males think that the Iron Maiden is sexy and have had erotic dreams featuring the former prime minister in a central role (one wonders as the naughty nanny? . . . or the demanding dominatrix?). I rest my case; you do have sexual charisma.

What I’d bet a box of condoms on is that you don’t have sexual confidence. What is sexual confidence? It’s affirmative answers to the questions, “Will she accept me?” and “Will I be able to perform?” As a 35-year-old virgin, confidence understandably can be an issue. I wouldn’t be surprised, in fact, if at this point you’re fearful of both rejection and acceptance.

I’m not opposed to the idea of your hiring an escort in Las Vegas. Just as have millions of men from the beginning of time, you might be surprised at the amount of enjoyment you’d glean from “cold, soulless” sex . . . . Just be aware that your experience may address the “Will I be able to perform” issue but not the one of “Will I be accepted,” since a prostitute’s job is to make certain you get off—albeit in an artificial environment and without any true connection with a woman. Relating sexually to a woman in the real world requires work on your part and “yes” answers to both questions.

Unless your experience in Las Vegas unleashes the truly sexually confident animal within, consider contacting a sex surrogate. Masters and Johnson were the first, in 1970, to use surrogates in sex therapy to work behaviorally with single people. One sex surrogate I have met told me that most of her clients are mid-life virgins between 35 and 58 years of age.

Surrogates work in conjunction with therapists. They teach their clients that sexuality isn’t a linear progression from “hello” to intercourse. They help increase a client’s comfort and confidence, with focus on the partner you don’t yet have. With respect to sex, their tool is touch; you’ll learn to touch for pleasure and progress to genital touching before ever becoming explicitly sexual with a surrogate. Surrogates provide a far more realistic environment in which to learn how to be with a partner.

Because of the controversy surrounding this form of sex therapy, there are only 50 or so surrogates in the U.S. Please don’t allow that to stand in your way. On the Internet, go to a search engine and type in International Professional Surrogate Association. This group offers two-week intensives in Southern California in which you’ll spend 2-3 hours a day with a surrogate and another hour each day with a therapist. It could be the best two weeks and five grand you’ve ever spent, Ted.

In the meantime, pick up a book called The New Male Sexuality, by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. (Bantam Books, $14.95), which is terrific in general and has a section on surrogacy in it. And remember, sweetie: chaste makes waste.

Dear Jane,

I found out about you from a magazine I picked up while on leave in San Diego. I am currently on active duty in the Navy stationed onboard a ship. I’ve been out to sea for about a year and I have seven months remaining. I am 31 years old. I have a dilemma I’d like your help with, if I could . . . .

My wife and I have been separated for three years with the understanding that we’ll get divorced when I’m finished with my duty.

First of all, I need to mention that I have a pantyhose/stocking/foot fetish. It started when I was ten. I would smell my mother’s and grandmother’s stockinged feet; I didn’t think anything was wrong with what I was doing. They both thought it was cute and even admitted that my nose on the bottom of their feet was ticklish. When I got older, around the age I was getting sexually curious, I realized I was attracted to older women’s stockinged feet and women wearing pantyhose. I kept this hidden but my brothers found out and mentally tortured me about it.

My wife tolerated my fetish. She’d play along and would let me rip a hole in her pantyhose crotch when we had sex. We got a little kinkier later on, but she was just role playing. She was the dominant one in our relationship and I was submissive. However, in bed, by nature, she was submissive and so was I, so we both knew it wasn’t going to work out between us. Our divorce is amicable, which is good since we share a child.

The issue is my mother-in-law, who’s single and looking. I have gotten these feelings for her mother since I’ve been onboard ship. Granted, when I first met her mother Susan, I thought she was a real bitch. She humiliated me a couple of times, even. But now I realize that I need a sexually dominant woman and I believe that Susan would be perfect for me. I actually have more in common with her than with my soon-to-be-ex-wife.

This may sound silly, but I would love to be Susan’s pantyhose slave. My ultimate dream would be to clean her whole house while she’s at work. Pick her up from work, drive her home. Make her dinner and, while she’s eating and reading the newspaper, remove her shoes and give her stockinged feet a massage and, if she thought I did a good enough job, maybe she would let me sniff and suck on her stockinged toes.

Now, I know what I’m proposing is morally wrong. I was raised in a Roman Catholic home . . .but part of me is telling me my thoughts are o.k. I would be as happy as a pig in shit if I could just tell her how I feel without her getting upset and letting me give her a stockinged foot massage.

Should I talk with my mother-in-law about my desires?

Jack

Dear Jack,

You’ve been on that ship a long time, sweetie. By the time another seven months go by, even your father-in-law may start looking good to you. But, please, don’t do anything precipitous; take things one step at a time.

Before you spill your beautifully lascivious thoughts of pantyhose slavedom to your mother-in-law, you need to get home and finalize your divorce. You’ll need Susan’s support in this effort; be friendly to her but not overly so. You also need to reconnect with your child. And you need to get a job. I apologize for sounding bossy, but, pray tell, you admit to needing a strong hand.

Also, before you bare your soul to Susan, please consider the complexity of the situation. Susan’s single, so technically she’s available. But how might your child feel about daddy having an intimate relationship with grandma? Also, ex-wives often have trouble when their former husbands take up with a new woman. Egad, dear boy, how might yours react when it’s her own mom whose toes you’re sucking? Remember, you do share a child.

You need to start dating again, Jack. Perhaps part of the reason you’re fixated on your mother-in-law is because you don’t know a lot of other women and she so clearly fills your need for dominant-woman fantasies. I don’t mean to disparage your mom-in-law. She may be perfect for you. And there would be nothing wrong with you two getting together. Forget about what the Catholics think. They have enough on their plate right now to be casting aspersions on you and your sex life. Any act of consensual sex is really, truly all right in the eyes of any god, sweet boy. Just please consider how all these people in your life are intertwined.

Now, before your next frantic masturbation session, pantyhose slave, get above board, breathe in some fresh sea air, and clear your head.

Jane is the owner of X-traordinary Talk! and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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