January 2003

Hi Ho Silver
Dear Jane,

Wow, Jane . . . I watched a video last weekend where couples were enjoying themselves with a Sybian machine. I am assuming you know what a Sybian is. They are vibrators set up on a saddle with a control panel to regulate speed and intensity.

They look great, because, while a woman can sit on top of the Sybian, her lover can participate by controlling the orgasm of the woman. The clips I saw were hot.

After watching one woman after another in the thralls of ecstasy, I wondered why every woman doesn’t own one. What can you tell me about this device: is it the gods’ gift to women or what?

Blue Balls

Dear Blue Balls,

Be afraid, BB—and get used to those balls of blue—for your ultimate fear of being altogether replaceable is realized in the Naugahyde seat of the Sybian saddle. Look at the Sybian, bad boy, and see the ride of female rapture.

The machine, around since ’87, is a 22-pound dome-shaped device that a woman straddles. It supports interchangeable, high-quality rubber phalluses of varying size to suit a woman’s desires at the time. Besides the varying size thing, it has other characteristics going for it that you don’t. It thrusts and vibrates—independently. It also comes with a promise of “a lifetime of pleasure without problems” . . . can you offer the same? Also unlike you, its machinery is guaranteed for life. . . even with the thousand pounds of weight it claims to be able to support (I’ll have another donut, thank you).

This Orgasmatron is just what Woody Allen had in mind back when he envisioned the future in Sleeper. Only back in ’73 you could get a whole Volkswagen for the $1300 it costs to buy a Sybian today.

Downside? Mmmm . . . let me think. To be honest, it’s a male-fantasy object more than a female’s. A male-dominant fantasy. Notice who’s at the controls in those videos and how you responded to watching the man “controlling the orgasm of the woman.” I’d bet you the cost of the Sybian’s G-spot phallus that more men than women buy these ride-’em-cowboy units.

As for me . . . Oh, yes . . . I remember one wintry evening my lover and I took the behemoth sex toy (it was his) to a romantic bed-and-breakfast we rented one New Year’s Eve in Santa Fe. To escape notice, my sweetheart lugged the thing three floors up a fire escape and entered our room through a window.

Eager to ring in the new year atop our vibrator-on-steroids, we poured two flutes of champagne and assumed position—me crouched over the phallus of my choice, him at the controls. We switched on our leviathan toy and awaited magic . . . and immediately realized why the manufacturer suggests it be used on a foam pad or over carpet: the entire hardwood floor of our romantic getaway vibrated. The soles of my stilettos shook, the bed jiggled, even the curtains shimmied. We joked that, courtesy our Sybian, all of Santa Fe was having an orgasm . . .

After a stern call from the front desk, we turned off the Orgasmatron. We gave a midnight toast to one another over the thing, which had tickled our funny bone more than any other.

In the end, I decided that, as with all sex toys, this one will mechanically get us off, but is best used as an adjunct to playing with our lovers . . . Ever since that night in Santa Fe I’ve been happier with another of Woody Allen’s creations—my very own “futuristic poet with a Ph.D. in oral sex,” with all his inherent flaws and iffy equipment—than I ever was with any sex toy, even the magnificent Sybian.

A Ticklish Subject
Dear Jane,

My name is Ben and my fetish is tickling. I am really ticklish and I love to be tickled. My question is how do I get a woman to tickle me, and how can I tell if she is the tickling type—that is, the type who likes to tickle people? Please help me. Thank you!

Your big fan,
Ticklish Ben

Dear Ben,

Tickling is a playful fetish that combines the innocence of youth with the sensation of touch. Most of us were tickled by someone who loved us when we were babies; it’s one of the first forms of non-verbal communication we learn in life.

In sex, tickling creates a dominant-submissive dynamic with a mirthful taint. The tickle-ee has to let go completely; he has no control. He can’t fight or get away; he simply has to surrender. Which all sounds like the making of great sex to me . . . .

How do you get anybody to like what you like, Ben? You can’t . . . you just need to open up and ask—or be gently frisky in bed and gauge your lover’s reaction. Sex is a playful act, so talking about and exercising your love of tickling shouldn’t be too much of a stretch. Victor Borge said that laughter was the shortest distance between two people. So, go out on a limb, Ben . . . Isn’t that where the fruit is?

Scent of a Woman
Dear Jane,

I have been a Leg Show reader for many years. I am a 45-year-old, good-looking white male. I perform Stud Service to women in my hometown and the surrounding area. I have an unusual fetish: smell worship. I love to smell the crotch of pretty, beautiful, or gorgeous women’s panties. I also like to smell the crotch of panty girdles as well as body shapers and teddies after they’ve been worn. The women I do this with are, like myself, very very very super clean and disease-free and they all have a very very very moist sweet-sexy smelling scent in their panties.

I am very much in love with the scent of a female crotch. It gets me very, very, very hot hot hot and aroused and it also arouses the women when they see me smelling their panties.

I have been a panty-sniffer for about 15 years and when I see a pretty, beautiful, or gorgeous woman in supermarkets or department stores, I become very aroused and I immediately want to smell her. I think sometimes the woman is aware of what I want to do because I always get a real sexy grin and smile.

Jane, I’m a gentle, loving man. I’m oversexed, hot hot hot. But I do have the problem about the panties. Do you think it’s wrong? I would like to continue doing it. Jane, do you see any problem with this?

I would tell you more about myself, Jane, but you are a happily married woman. You would be amazed, I guarantee. I can tell you I am very very very good-looking, very very very masculine, and very very very well-endowed. I’ll leave the rest up to you. Let me know what your answer will be; I’ll be waiting.

Dean

Dear Dean,

Hi, Dean. Super-clean Dean. Well-hung Dean. Hot hot Dean. Stud Service Dean. Did you sign using a pseudonym? . . . Maybe we should call you Secretariat. Or, Mr. Ed.

Panty-sniffing is your joy and you obviously do it with gusto. You are not alone in loving it . . . dogs, apes, monkeys, horses (are you sure you didn’t sign with a pseudonym?) and many other animals sniff each other’s genitals. Of course, other species don’t have the advantage of being able to score worn panties . . . lucky you. Although I wouldn’t be too sure those women in the stores who give you “sexy grins and smiles” would be willing to drop their drawers for you on the spot, so please be discreet.

Smell in sex is a fascinating topic: Studies show that a man’s testosterone level increases when he’s exposed to the ovulatory odors of a woman (no wonder you’re hot hot hot!). Some gay men seek out worn men’s undies; and I’ve seen lesbians exchanging worn panties on AOL. But I have never heard of heterosexual women seeking out the smell of men’s underwear. Actually, research shows that a heterosexual woman’s receptivity towards a man’s smell in general depends on the phase of her menstrual cycles. In other words, women are more receptive to a man’s smell when she’s ready to ovulate—her fertile period. Not that you asked, Dean my dear, but a panty education never hurt any panty-sniffer, did it?

Is it normal to sniff women’s panties? Who the hell knows what “normal” even means. Do lots and lots of men do it? Of course. And what does it hurt? It sounds exquisite, actually, to savor the essence of a woman’s sexuality on a garment that she wore. I’ve said it here before: panties may not be the best thing on earth, but they’re right up next to it. Please, dear, sniff to thy heart’s content! You apparently even have willing partners, which will keep you out of trouble in the Laundromat.

By the way, Dean, thanks for your kind kind kind offer. I don’t need to meet you, however, to be amazed.

Jane is the owner of X-traordinary Talk! and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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