June 2003

Hungry for Some Lovin’
Dear Jane,

My wife has never been very interested in sex, which I knew even before we were married. Some of it stems from her being abused by her father as a child. We’ve seen several psychologists about it but there will always be an underlying problem.

Secondly, I have some problems with ED. Its’ not total impotency, but I don’t always get hard enough for penetration although the good feeling is still very much there and I can still cum even if I’m not fully erect. Viagra works but it’s not very spontaneous and I never know how my wife’s mood may change an hour after I take it anyway.

And then, sometimes after taking Viagra, I’m so glad to have a full hard-on and it’s been so long since I’ve cum, that I have a problem with premature ejaculation.

I’m not sure my wife fully understands how good touch feels for me (hers or my own).

I’ve tried to explain my manly desires to her many, many times, even in the form of letters to her when I found it difficult to talk about. As far as masturbation, if I have to ask to do it in front of her, it kind of defeats the excitement for me, although I have asked plenty of times. She usually answers, “Do whatever you want, I don’t care.” That doesn’t make it very exciting. The fantasy for me is being told to “Pull your pants down and jack off,” while all the while I have a very beautiful wife and pussy that should be available for me and I’m made to masturbate instead. It’s the wonderful, embarrassing and humiliating shame for me that makes it so erotic and hot. (Does that make sense to you? It doesn’t to my wife.)

We have occasionally acted out some of our/my fantasies in addition to very limited intercourse. One thing she really loves, if I’m able to get her in the mood, is to have her ass licked. It serves us well in that I get the feeling of being somewhat worthless and only worthy of kissing her ass. She usually masturbates while I do this for her which makes it all the more exciting for me, wishing I could be doing her instead of one of her big toys.

Sometimes she will talk erotically to me and tell me to “Stick your tongue deep in my asshole; that’s where you belong. You like that, don’t you, kissing your wife’s ass. You’re such a wimp. Play with yourself.” Obviously, I’m totally turned on and satisfied, but this has happened on only four or five occasions in 11 years. I would do it every night (or even once a week) if I could.

Last Christmas, she even bought me a beautiful lavender nightie and panties to wear to act out some of my fantasies and desires, yet she has never asked me (or allowed me) to wear it! It still hangs in the closet.

Jane, I would be very easily satisfied, but I hardly ever get the chance. I’m not interested in cheating on my wife. I just want some help to fulfill some regular sexual urges and desires. Thanks, Jane. I hope to hear from you.

Need It

Dear Needy Boy,

Let me get this straight: If only your wife would verbally erotically humiliate you, preferably daily, as you masturbate in front of her, you’d be “easily satisfied.”

I’m not saying I don’t hear your hunger. You’re in a difficult situation of being damned if you do and damned if you don’t. If you hold off as long as you say your wife expects you to, you have trouble performing. To fix this, you take Viagra. But with Viagra, you’re so excited that you detonate before you intend to.

You feel as though you carry quite a burden. Unfortunately, you’re focusing on the sex more than on the relationship. A good sex life comes from having a good relationship, one in which you focus on your partner’s needs as much as your own. When a couple’s sex life is good, they report it accounts for around ten percent of the relationship. When it’s bad, it accounts for 90 percent. I have the feeling that your situation has been a long time in the making, sweetie, and that it’s not about the hours you log in between the sheets as much as it is the rest of your life together. Roadblocks on a sexual level can be a symptom of deeper issues in a relationship.

At the risk of sounding like Ann Landers, I encourage you two to get into therapy together, preferably with a therapist who uses Harville Hendrix’s Imago model. Hendrix wrote the book “Getting the Love You Want.” (Find an Imago therapist in your area by going to a search engine and typing in “Imago.”) Imago therapy focuses on the relationship in its entirety and can really help a couple hear, understand, and have compassion for one another. You’ll learn ways to talk with your wife so that she really understands how much you crave touch and why you need erotic humiliation in your sex. You’ll also learn a lot more about her needs. Any sexual issues will be resolved only if both parties are committed to addressing them.

After a series of sessions in Imago therapy, if you still feel the need, find a good sex therapist, particularly if the ED, premature ejaculation, and her childhood issues continue to interfere.

While you’re proceeding, take care of yourself privately. Regular masturbation is a good way to help assuage both ED and premature ejaculation, exercise your rich fantasy life, as well as satisfy your hunger during the times your wife isn’t available to you. Jerk off regularly but train yourself to come when you want to and not when it “just happens.” To do this, bring yourself to the edge of cumming, then stop until you come to your senses again, then go at it again. Stop and start a number of times before you allow yourself to cum. An orgasm is one part lust, two parts friction. Control the friction and you’ll control the ejaculation.

Good luck, sweetie. With time, patience, and understanding of your mutual needs, your lavender nightie might eventually come out of the closet, along with your—and your wife’s—pent-up hungers.

Just How Big Was Her Ass?
Hi Jane,

Recently I had sex with a new girlfriend for the first time. She wanted to do it kind of doggy style but when I attempted to try the position, my cock was unable to penetrate her. I tried a few times and then she laughed and said, “I don’t think this is going to work; your little guy just can’t reach. Let’s try another position.”

Well, I got so embarrassed and insecure that I lost my erection. Which must have left her with a great lasting impression...me standing there naked with my little cock of about an inch flopping around.

What should I do? I’m afraid to show my cock to her again. I’m not sure what to say to her or even if I should talk to her again. If we do talk again, do you think I should approach the topic about what happened?

Embarrassed

Dear Embarrassed,

Don’t feel alone, sweetie. Most of us have been self-consciously naked and uncomfortably trying to be winsome in bed doing things we don’t know for sure but hope will please, wishing all the while the room were darker or we’d taken more time with the getting-to-know him or her part of the relationship before finding ourselves in a place where our deepest anxieties are seeping out the edges of our normally composed self.

You weren’t just having sex with this woman; you were out to win her approval. And that’s the problem: sex is not an athletic event or proving ground for your magnificent dick. It’s only in part even about getting each other off. Ultimately, sex is about connecting and communicating deeply with someone we really care about. But to do that we need to feel safe in the relationship. When we don’t, our insecurities rage when any part of our repertoire misses.

Your insecurity about your equipment led you to believe the “problem” was yours. But it could have been that her ass was too big. Or she could have been tucking her pelvis down, too far even for John Holmes to reach. She could be feeling as unsure about herself as you are about yourself. Coming up with “reasons” for these things doesn’t happen in relationships in which we feel safe and know we’re valued despite (or maybe even because of) our—pardon my choice of word here—shortcomings.

What should you do if you misstep ever again (and you will; we all do)? Divert attention and provide ecstasy with the ever-satisfying muff-dive. I’ve never met (or heard of) a woman who doesn’t respond enthusiastically to oral sex. Lick her, tease her little clit—it will distract both of you from The Embarrassing Moment. Also, making her happy in this way will make your dough rise again.

Then, get on your back and put her on top. This is the easiest way for a woman to cum. She can squirm and move in just the right way to give herself lots of pleasure. It will be pretty great for you, too, doll. If you feel you need to get back up on the horse—uh, that is, perform doggy-style—try it with her lying on her side, in spooning position.

If you think you two have got a special connection—you do refer to her as your girlfriend, after all—by all means see her again. Soon. Dawdle over tea as a way to get to know each other instead of jumping into bed. You are more than your dick, sweetie. And good sex starts with your clothes still on.

Jane is the owner of X-traordinary Talk! and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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