November 2003

The Dom Who Wants to Submit
Dear Jane,

Until recently I’ve lived a full but typical sex life. During the past year I’ve begun to come to terms with what I really want in a male/female dynamic. I’ve found myself drawn to expressing my sexually dominant side. I’d dabbled with it in previous relationships, but I don’t think I was quite ready; I know my partners weren’t.

I’m currently experimenting in the bedroom; I love binding a lover’s wrists with my best silk tie, overpowering her . . . It’s exciting to see how my strength affects my lover. I’ve been too good for too long. For me, soft-domination includes spanking, light hair-pulling, moving my lover into position with my strong hands, and, most of all, ordering my pleasure and announcing hers. You know, mind dominance.

I’ve recently met an amazing woman, one who seems to be on my wavelength when it comes to sexual dominance and submission. At 50, it’s the first time I’ve encountered a woman with whom I can express my growing desire to experiment with sex on an intellectual/power-exchange level, as well as on a physical level.

The other night, after a little D/S play, this woman asked if I thought I could take the submissive role. It hadn’t actually occurred to me before. But I’d like to . . for the sake of balancing out my newly emerging dominant side, if nothing else. I’d like to know what it’s like to be on the receiving “end” of a spanking . . . .

I am attracted to women like this new friend, women who know what they want, women who lay their cards on the table, demanding of me what they want. Being demanding: the key to being dom.

Expanding my sexual limits in one direction isn’t complete without expanding in another. So I’m open to switch hitting, although I’m not sure how to do this. I know that trust is key. The words trust and truth are only one letter apart; honesty is paramount to establishing trust. I know that when I sexually trust, I am sexually fearless.

It’s growth from the center that I’m seeking, rather than from the base. Jane, please point me in the direction to get started on expanding into the sexually submissive realm. Any books, tapes, ideas? Having followed your columns, I feel you are the person to give me the best advice.

Two New Sides

Dear New Sides,

All sex is a power exchange. D&S is embedded in our culture. We live by the conceit that men are sexually aggressive (dominant) and women are passive, reluctant (submissive). In a D&S relationship, the stakes in this dynamic are raised. Or turned on their head when it’s the man who’s submissive. In fact, in my experience, a sub is usually opposite of how he is in regular life; so often very strong men want to balance; they’ve had enough of being on top.

Like you, I have a fascination with both sides of the D&S coin. And, like you, I practiced the dominant side of my nature before taking the plunge into the submissive. I was surprised at how scary doing this was for me. But the payoff was large. Being the bottom has not only made me a more effective dominant; it’s shown me what it means to truly abandon myself to another, to my fantasies, to my body’s most exquisite sensations.

I used to think of a man on bended knee before me as a bow of the knight before the lady. I see it still as a gesture of courtly love, but, having been there myself in recent years, I also see it as a marriage of love’s tenderness and the pain of being truly seen by my lover.

Honestly acknowledging—then accepting—who we are as sexual beings is the challenge of sexuality. If we do this—it’s not easy—liberation will be our reward. You ask how to be a sub. I think the “how” is easy to answer once we understand what it is.

D&S is about communion as much as it is about sex. Being in complementary emotional states (as distinct from opposing emotional states), the dynamic is about desire or feeling in relation to another person. Lovers come together in perfect symbiosis because they need each other in order to find and tap into their sexual selves.

I urge you, Two Sides, to examine what’s underneath your statement that making demands is the key to domination. Some say that both the dominant and the submissive want to direct the show—the former by force, the latter by persuasion. But this is false; we’re not testing the will of another person. It’s a mistake to confuse the appearance of force (or demands) with what is actually a consensual game.

D&S is almost ritualistic: The sub commits a transgression. The dominant teases, issues threats. Suspense builds. Eventually, the dom metes out appropriate punishment—despite false protestations by the sub. What’s actually going on in this ritual? Surrender, a shedding of the chains of daily life. By submitting to the dom’s will, the submissive is freed from guilt, relieved of responsibility for his or her actions, and allowed to let go of inhibitions. The sub’s mind is free to go where the dom leads it. In the submissive role we are allowed to abandon ourselves to the luxury of our fantasies. Being helpless and subject to the “will” of another is sexually thrilling to those of us of kinky persuasion. If we give ourselves over to the ritual and truly allow our minds to be in the gentle hands of our master or mistress, our submissive experience can provide exquisite satisfaction, unique from that offered by the dominant role.

As you wisely note, this takes both truth and trust. We’re giving the gift of our secrets to someone we trust. A really good dom knows that the acceptance of these deep desires constitutes a contract of sorts: The sub bares his soul; the dom protects him as she takes him on a shared journey through his fantasies. Only if there’s trust and truth can there be an engagement of minds fueling the fires of kinky passion.

The sub is powerless, but safe in that powerlessness. He’s shed both clothes and inhibitions. He’s a slave to his desires, and to his mistress. S/M has been examined by the greats of psychoanalysis—Freud, Ellis, Krafft-Ebing—but, to me, it’s far more interesting to examine from the side of art, not science.

Sexual submission can be a sexual lifestyle or it can be occasional, lighthearted play. It can be part of a highly varied sex life, offering imaginative possibilities, a foray into artistic and spiritual engagement with another. It always requires consent, truth, and trust.

How do you start exploring your submissive nature, my dear? First, choose a partner you trust. Second, communicate with her copiously. Third, be honest in expressing your desires and scenarios you want to enact. Beyond this is your dom’s work: She must cherish the gift she’s been given. She must project an attitude of control (attitude is more important than the words she speaks). And she must respect your limits.

What does submission look like? Its forms are limited only to your imagination. What’s your pleasure, bad boy? Mental bondage—your dom tells you to assume positions of subjugation, “forces” you to repeat words that she knows you secretly long to utter, tells you that you are “owned,” that you exist only to provide her with pleasure, erotically humiliates you. Physical bondage“she uses velvet ribbons, high heels that lock, girdles that bind offending organs. Deprivation—a blindfold, ball gag. Imposing punishments—she spanks, pinches, leads you with a leash, demands servitude. Tease-and-denial with a fetish object or part of her body—she cross-dresses you, or teases with panties, stockings, stilettos, her feet, breasts, and ass. Because you’ve effectively communicated what it is you want, your dominant partner is able to provide the pleasure you yearn for.

The Art of Sensual Female Dominance, by Claudia Varrin, is a really good how-to. Forget that the subtitle states that it’s a book for women; it’s a book for all super-sensualists like you. For a well-written personal account, read Endless Knot, a Spiritual Odyssey Through Sado-Masochism, by Mathew Styranka. Foot-lovers especially will like this book. My company sells an audio tape, CD, or download called “How to Sexually Dominate Your Man.” It’s a frank discussion between another dominant woman and me about what it means to be dominant (and, hence, sub) and how to assume the role. It’s available through my web site.

I respect your search, Two Sides. In my experience, it’s pretty easy to be sexually dominant. The real courage lies in the submissive role. As you indicate—and to use your own terms—once we have sexual trust we have exactly what will make you a very fine submissive indeed: sexual fearlessness.

Jane is the owner of X-traordinary Talk! and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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