January 2004

Isn’t That Abnormal?
Dear Jane,

I was just reading your July ’03 Leg Show column and noticed you answered yet another question about abnormality in sex. In this case, it concerned a confused lad who pees while wearing pantyhose. Your reply in part refutes the notion of abnormality in consensual sex among adults.

I know it’s difficult to arrive at a range of what is considered average or normal in sex. But certainly there is a deviance in sexual behavior that can be labeled abnormal. Why not say that it is? Is it because the word abnormal today brings with it the stigma of pathology . . . like abnormal psychology?

Abnormal can be beautiful, exceptional, unusual, and yes, x-traordinary! But to maintain that there is no “abnormal” sex is inaccurate.

By the way, the picture of you in July’s advice column is a favorite of mine.

Rob

Dear Rob,

What do you mean by “abnormal,” Rob? If you take the dictionary definition, “not usual or typical,” then, yes, the behavior is “abnormal” because statistically few men get off on peeing in pantyhose (or at least keep this info private when talking with sex researchers).

However, please be patient when considering another’s behavior; and beware of labels; the diversity of sexual expression is enormous. I know a man who looks forward to his wife’s period each month because that’s when he gets to eat orange slices out of her vagina. I know another whose wife’s S/M ministrations inspire him to linger in front of the mirror the day examining his whipping marks with the pride of a Boy Scout who just earned a new merit badge. These acts are not my cup of tea—on either the giving or receiving end—but who am I to judge? Their behavior is unusual—that is, fewer people eat oranges this way than other ways—and, if they weren’t exclusive partners in each case (they are), their behavior could be risky.

Is a man peeing while wearing pantyhose “abnormal” in the sense of “psychologically healthy?” Who’s to say, sweetie? I obviously can’t know more than a person’s letter tells me. But, given the information we have from this particular man’s letter—I vote “no.”

To qualify as having a “sexual disorder,” a behavior must cause personal or interpersonal difficulty, according to the book Treating Sexual Disorders (Randolph S. Charlton, editor). How does this person’s sexual behavior fit into the context of a person’s life? Is the behavior intrusive or destructive? Is the person more attached to the behavior they engage in than to the people with whom they engage in it? Some sexual disorders are, in fact, disorders in the ability to love. Using this definition, even missionary sex might be “abnormal,” if a person is obsessed with the behavior to the detriment of job or relationships.

Another thing: Our feelings about behavior are largely culturally determined. Sexual norms vary greatly from culture to culture and generation to generation. A stand-out example is masturbation. Prior to 1720, masturbation concerned medical writers not at all, and at least one saw it as a desirable practice. However, later in the 18th and 19th centuries, we were told that self-abuse led to impotence, dimness of sight, vertigo, epilepsy, loss of memory, hysteria, asthma, melancholia, mania, dementia, paralysis, and death. They claimed that losing one ounce of semen equaled the loss of eight ounces of blood. How “normal” was it for doctors to put leeches on penises to suck out congestion, or blister them with acid, or introduce infections? All in the name of correcting the “abnormality” of the world’s most common sexual behavior.

Obviously, you wrote your question because a man peeing while wearing pantyhose crosses your sexual boundary. You have a right to that boundary. But another man’s behavior is hardly “abnormal” because it doesn’t mesh with what you do—or don’t do—in the name of having a good time.

Rings of Endearment
Dear Jane,

I am mesmerized not only by your obvious beauty and sexual charms but by your cogent understanding of the male psyche. Indeed, Ms. Jane, you have gripped me by the balls.

To emphasize this fact, I am wearing a tight little black leather strap on my testicles as I write you this letter. It makes my sore slave-nuts stick out nice and swollen and reddish-purple, like a pair of plums ready for picking.

Would you please consider writing on penis rings and their use to improve a man’s size, hardness, appearance, and performance? I have experimented with various styles and sizes of cock rings ever since I was a teenager and have found them to be a delight. A properly fitted metal ring can be used by a Dominant Woman as a means of decoration or degradation, enhancement or humiliation, reward or punishment. The right cock ring can increase a slave-boy’s manhood—guaranteed—while one that is too tight can choke it half to death. It is entirely up to the Mistress.

I am currently using what I call the Joan Collins Ring, which is a shiny silver metal ring with an inside diameter of one inch that fits nicely near the base of my teased and tortured hard-on. I check my balls and see they have plumped up nicely in the tight strap and lock, and have turned a pretty shade of purple. Since I vowed not to release my aching nuts until I finish this letter to You, I should probably hurry and close.

Please answer me, Queen Jane. Will you allow me to be your slave? You will not be disappointed, for I will be whatever you wish, whether it be hard cock or limp, house boy or whore, stud or gelding. You decide.

Adoringly,
Blue Balls

Dear Blue,

Giving testament to man’s dedication to his mighty symbol of manhood, cock rings were at one time made from the eyelashes of slain goats. That was in the Orient in the 13th century, and men have been using cock rings ever since to sustain an erection, delay ejaculation, or even just look bigger under their loincloths. Some men find the tightness and pressure erotic. They should not be used to remedy sexual problems unless prescribed by a physician.

Today they’re made from metal, plastic, leather—although I’ve fashioned cock rings on the spur of the moment out of long satin ribbons, strips of soft leather or suede, and soft rope. Cock rings fit below the penis and testicles, although some men wear them at the base of their shafts. It helps to trim or shave the hair where the ring will be sitting so that when you get hard it won’t pull or get caught in the ring or snaps. They work because they allow for easy blood flow into the penis but not out again.

To measure for size, tie a string around your cock and balls while erect. Do not wear one that’s too tight (and there’s obviously no benefit to wearing one too loose). When putting it on, you must be soft; slip your balls through, one at a time, then your more bendable penis. Reverse the process when taking it off. If you value your dick don’t wear cock rings that are too tight (never mind what your mistress says) or for too long (20 minutes or less), unless you’re not shy about visiting emergency rooms.

Novices should start with adjustable single-strap cock rings that unsnap until they get used to them. Solid stretch latex rings are of a solid band of extremely stretchy latex; they’re easy to put on and remove. Two, three, or four can be worn at a time if more pressure is desired.

Metal rings have the advantage of being able to thread a rope through them for bondage or leash purposes. But wear these only if you’re quite experienced with cock rings; they’re not easy to remove (although lubricant can help).

The style-conscious will be pleased with the plentiful variety. If in a punk-rock mood, try a leather one with little studs. Leather cock rings fasten with a little buckle or snaps, great for novices because they can come off easily.

For the organized man who wants everything in its own compartment, try a ring that fits around the balls, another around the penis; other models have straps that bind and separate the balls. Bondage-lovers will want one that snakes up his entire erection, pointless unless you don’t care to jerk off or have intercourse.

Want to please your woman? Try a silicone cock ring with little bumps and nodules—some even vibrate. One even has a mirror attached, perfect for viewing the blow job I hope you’re getting while wearing one of these studly devices.

You’re right, darling Blue, that a cock ring can act as decoration or degradation, enhancement or humiliation, reward or punishment. It can also be symbolic of what a more traditional ring is: commitment. Or, if you have a different sort of dynamic with your lover, this sexy little entrapment can be about ownership.

I do adore juicy plums, Blue, and will take into consideration your outstanding offer. Never before have I been offered an erect house-boy-whore-stud-slave who calls me Queen. All of that works for me, particularly if you do windows, too.

Curing Compulsive Masturbation
Mistress Jane

I have recently come under the spell of a softly dominant older woman. One of her many requirements of me is that I abstain from pleasuring myself. When my mistress determines that I am worthy of a release, she permits me to masturbate to orgasm while she supervises. My masturbatory activity is confined to lying on the carpet and humping the floor at her feet. I am not allowed to touch my manhood, look at pornographic materials, or use lubricant while self-pleasuring.

One of her stipulations is that I am required to stem the flow of my semen by applying pressure to the underside of my groin just prior to ejaculation.

My mistress initially instructed by applying the necessary pressure to the sensitive area between my testicles and anus with gloved fingers. Now she supervises my application of pressure to this pleasure spot and assures my compliance by examining my penis and the carpeted floor after my orgasm to make sure that no ejaculation has occurred. My orgasms are intense but not satisfying.

My mistress believes that this exercise will cure my masturbatory compulsion. Have you ever heard of this practice? Is it dangerous? Will it restore my 20/20 vision?

Jack

Dear Jack,

Could there be a position more submissive than naked, on your belly, on the floor, at your mistress’s feet—searching for relief, and ultimately being denied the very thing you’re squirming for: to cum.

Will performing in this manner “cure” your masturbation compulsion? More likely it will increase it, as the sexiness of this encounter replays in your mind over and over again.

You ask if I’ve heard of this method of training. Yes, of course. Your mistress is marrying humiliation and frustration, exactly what you’re there at her feet to receive, right? There’s some risk in both humping the floor and in withholding your ejaculation—which, in your quest for pleasure you may not care to hear about but which I’ll tell you anyway.

Pressing your perineum, that place you’re describing just behind your scrotum, can stop an ejaculation dead in its tracks. I’ve heard some claim this a route to spiritual enlightenment, if not an effective training method for a recalcitrant like you. You’re getting what you want, sweetie. But consider your semen. How happy would a puppy that lives to chase balls be if you threw the ball but restrained the little guy from running after it? Well, your semen is that sweet puppy, except it’s traveling at 28 miles an hour. The practice of stopping the flow of semen through the urethra is called retrograde ejaculation—and it ends up in your bladder.

Some men, because of a disease like diabetes, various drugs, or prostate surgery gone awry sometimes suffer retrograde ejaculation without wanting to. It happens when the tiny muscle that shuts the bladder during ejaculation does not do its job and semen backs up into the bladder instead of flowing down the urethra and out the tip of the penis. You’re forcing this to happen.

Let’s move on to humping the carpet. Research indicates that around five percent of men masturbate face-down, thrusting their penises against a pillow, the mattress, their hands, or the floor.

In 1998 a doctor condemned this method of masturbation in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy because it can put excessive pressure on the base of the penis. (The good doctors have even given it a nicely pejorative name: Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome.)

This method of solo sex can apparently lead to a problem when having sex with a partner because the sensation provided by intercourse is nowhere near as intense as floor- or pillow-humping. Hence, men who masturbate this way can suffer from erectile dysfunction when screwing. So they say. I am less and less trustful of research in sexuality. Also, I have interviewed a number of men who masturbate in this manner—and dated a man who jerked off into a pillow (I loved watching!); none of these men had trouble with his sexuality.

If your mistress were genuinely concerned about training you to control your frantic and frequent jerk-off sessions, there are other ways. Training a man to control his ejaculation can effectively, lovingly be done with an investment of time in muscular control. Ever notice how, when you’re about to shoot, you steadily increase tension? Your abdomen, lower back, thighs—they all tense up as you approach the big event. It’s difficult to learn, but you can master the practice of holding onto the erotic sensation while relaxing those muscles. Think “relaxation,” not “suppression.” But, of course, relaxation is probably the last thing your mistress wants you to consider, bad boy.

Jane is the owner of X-traordinary Talk! and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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