April 2004

Are Fetishists Always Submissive?
Dear Jane,

I’m in my forties and it’s only been in the last couple of years that I’ve come to realize my desire to be dominated sexually—combined with my lifelong love of women wearing stockings and garters. I’m writing you in an effort to understand the dynamic that gives rise to the uniquely intense pleasure I receive from the attentions of a dominant woman teasing me with her stockinged legs.

When I was 11 or 12, I remember sneaking into my mother’s wardrobe, smelling her shoes and then putting on her stockings. That was a great turn-on for me at an age when I barely understood what sex was.

After I started dating I think I became so fixated on the raw experience of sex and the simple intoxications of sexual contact that I wasn’t all that concerned with what it was specifically I liked about it. Consequently I don’t recall any further experiences pertaining to stockings as a fetish; I just liked to look at women’s legs, especially if they were clad in nylon, more than, say, breasts, which not only didn’t turn me on, but actually turned me off if they were too big.

I assumed my love of stockinged legs and my desire to be dominated were two separate things that just happened to arouse me. Now I wonder. Clearly the editors of Leg Show know what their readers want, and it isn’t just legs.

My sexuality has evolved from putting on stockings as a 12-year-old, to having nearly three decades during which I had lots of great vanilla sex, to my current state: realizing I have a definite “fetishistic” love of stockings, legs, and I have to add, asses, and wanting to be sexually controlled. Why? Is it advancing age, and the need to find more powerful stimulants for my (somewhat) tardy libido? In any case, the issue repeatedly resurfaces for me, and the questions around it intensify, thanks in no small part to your skillfully structured fantasies for X-traordinary Talk and the stories and photos in Leg Show.

I’d love for a woman to tell me to lie very still while she masturbates me with her stockings—or make me masturbate while “forcing” me to look at her legs and/or ass. I want a woman to tell me she knows how helpless I become when looking at her stockinged legs and sheer-pantied ass and that she knows I can’t help but do as she says when I can smell her pussy through her panties (whew, it’s getting hot in here, let me open a window).

I see from looking at Leg Show and listening to your fantasies that love of an object such as I’ve described goes hand in hand with being dominated. Is it your observation that men who prefer legs tend to be submissive? Indeed, are all fetishists also submissive?

Leg Man

Darling,

I love it that you precious boys who harbor fetishes want to know what it’s all about. “Vanilla” men too often just “do” sex without any thought as to why they respond the way they do or why they are the way they are. I think because fetishists exist outside our culture’s sexual conventions, they often turn inward and ask themselves questions like yours, Leg Man. Intriguing questions. Thank you.

Dominance and submission are intrinsic in any fetish because a fetish has the power to rule. But being ruled by a love of stockings or anything else doesn’t necessarily mean submitting to it. A fetish can be treated tenderly or roughed up a bit. It inspires awe—or rebellion.

One man with a fetish might wish to be teased, as you do, with a lace garter belt and long black stockings. This sort of man wants to be overwhelmed by and be controlled by his love of those things and the body parts they showcase.

Another fetishist’s turn-on, however, is in asserting dominance over the fetish object’s power. He might have a shoe fetish, for example, but want to play with it by strapping hobblingly high heels onto his partner and then dominating her (i.e., dominating his fetish).

And there is a third sort of man, too, who uses his fetish as a sensual accompaniment in his lovemaking. He wants his partner to wear stockings to bed, but has no desire to submit to or assert dominance.

My hunch is that more fetishists are submissive than dominant, but I have not seen any research supporting this supposition. Both Leg Show and my business provide erotica for the fetishist who wants (and—knowing the naughty boys who visit my site—needs) to be told what his place is through the fetishist’s stock in trade: fantasy—for all fetishists (including breast-lovers), no matter where on the D&S scale they reside.

Do we need greater sexual stimulation as we age? Usually, yes. But to focus only on this is too narrow a view of aging and sexuality. As we age, we have more experience and greater sophistication about sexuality in general—hence we have increased appreciation for our minds and imagination; our turn-ons are richer and deeper. We are more comfortable with power issues; we’re less hung up on traditional roles. Also, my research bears out the notion that childhood excitements revisit us when we get older. What was just an inkling of a thrill when we were children can be intoxicating later.

No matter what form it takes, the fetish object is, for that person, his ultimate aphrodisiac. Whether the fetish is something smelled, tasted, seen, or handled, it whets an appetite—as you, sitting by your opened window, know—while providing endless creativity in solo or coupled sex.

More Tricks Than Treats on Halloween
Dear Jane,

You are a gorgeous woman who gives excellent advice. Please tell me what to do...I’m living a nightmare.

I’m a 30-year-old man and have been married one year. Everything is great except my wife is not the dominant type. Plus, her mom has cancer. This means she’s distracted from me and is gone a lot visiting her mom out of town.

On Halloween, I was alone and ended up at my friend Wendy’s as her slave (she used to dominate me when I was single). I knew that seeing her was wrong but could not contain my excitement at being submissive.

Wendy’s boyfriend Joe came along to a party we attended. A friend of Wendy’s had a camera and took pictures. I was photographed being Wendy’s slave, on all fours with leash and collar, being used as a footrest, licking Wendy’s shoes in public, and other things.

Two nights later, Wendy phoned me and said she had the pictures developed. Then she offered me two options to get the photos and negatives back. One, I could pay her $1500 cash. Or, two, I could consent to sucking her boyfriend’s cock ’til he cums down my throat, then licking her asshole, then allowing her boyfriend and her to piss on me. Over the phone she laughed and said to me, “Who needs a toilet and who needs toilet paper when we have you?”

Wendy is giving me three months to decide between option one or option two. I am having many sleepless nights. If I decide neither, she says she’ll mail the photos to my wife—who’s hurt enough with her mom having cancer. So I think I ought to go with my punishment as I can wash my mouth out afterwards and use mouthwash to kill the bacteria. My plan is to have three or four drinks before going to this nasty bitch’s place.

Please, Jane, I beg for your advice.

Anonymous

Dear Screwed,

Assuming you’re not getting off on the situation at hand, then I’m sorry to tell you, but someone’s got to: suck it up. Tell your wife that some potentially upsetting photos may be coming in the mail. Even though she’s distracted with her mother’s illness, she deserves to know 1) your sexual proclivities and 2) your idea of a happening Halloween.

Use this crisis as an opportunity for your wife to learn about you and bring you two closer. Also learn the lesson about exposing yourself to strangers. It is riskier emotionally but potentially far more rewarding to reveal yourself to a person who cares about you: your wife.

If you cave to Wendy’s demands, they’ll never, ever end and probably will escalate. Come clean, baby, and you’ll feel clean. Your wife can handle the news—about the photos and about you.

Will Drinking Her Pee Make Him a Her?
Dear Jane,

I recently read a story about a man who had been feminized by drinking his Mistress’s urine on a regular basis.

This made me wonder if it is actually possible, since obviously everyone’s golden waste contains the metabolites of his or her own respective hormones.

How much non-metabolized hormones remains in urine? I suppose this method of feminization has appeal because it means that the guy on the receiving end is not just being feminized, he’s being feminized with the hormones produced by his Mistress’s own body as opposed to pharmaceuticals or herbs.

Another thing . . .If I’m not drinking it, I love to shower in it. I just love my Mistress’s pee, however she wants to give it to me.

Urine is sterile, right?

Water Boy

Dear Guzzler,

You’re right, thirsty boy, about the hormones. Your favorite beverage contains her hormones, but they are not biologically active. Hence, her golden nectar won’t give you the girlish figure you covet. Even a woman’s blood contains only five percent active female hormones, not enough to sprout nary a bud upon your chest.

Our saliva also contains female hormones—but, as in our urine, it’s worthless for your purposes. If all the men who French kissed women were receiving active estrogen, then it would become increasingly difficult to tell the men from the women and what would be the fun in that?

Being peed upon is hot and wet and nasty and, for those who love it, an ultimate expression of submission. For your Mistress, peeing on you can be a territorial assertion of dominance or possession, i.e., “Because I pee on you, I own you.”

Urine is clean—actually cleaner than saliva. As you may know from watching “Survivor” last season or from military survival training, pee sterilizes open wounds when disinfectant isn’t handy.

Research concerning the safety of ingesting or showering in pee gives inconsistent findings. Beth Brown, MD, maintains that Hepatitis B, genital herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and cytomegalovirus (CMV) can be present in urine and can infect the pee-ee if urine containing it reaches the blood through the skin or, in some cases, if drunk. Even some medications or recreational drugs taken by your partner may end up in anyone drinking her nectar. The American Liver Foundation’s Hepatitis and Liver Disease Helpline claims that peeing on or in someone’s mouth cannot transmit Hep A, B, or C. There is no evidence of HIV being transmitted through urine.

On a web site called www.improvingsex.com, I found a watersports game that looks like your cup of—uh, tea—someone who loves to drink AND bathe in the stuff. Perhaps your Mistress will allow you to play it with her. Called The Fountain of Venus, your Mistress, with bladder very full, lies on her back, her legs spread. Kneeling between her thighs, you lick her genitals, paying close attention to the sensitive area just below her clit. She holds back her urine as long as she can, until she finally releases. As she spews like Vesuvius, you keep licking, drinking some of her nectar as it gushes. Your Mistress keeps peeing until she’s empty, coming whenever she desires in a flood of orgasms. If you’re as good a water boy as I think you are, she will shower you with the same afterward.

Jane is the owner of X-traordinary Talk! and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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