August 2004

She’s Got a Big Problem
Dear Jane,

I’m 27, five feet, six inches tall, and I weigh 218 pounds, although I’ve weighed quite a lot more. I’m a woman. And, unfortunately, still a virgin. Over the years, people have told me, “You have such a pretty face” . . . I know that’s a back-handed compliment that’s followed by an unspoken, “You really should lose weight.”

In addition to being fairly attractive in the face, I’m well-groomed and a good conversationalist. I’ve tried every diet in existence in order to be more attractive to men, but in the end, I end up heavy, or “zaftig” as it’s known in the singles ads. I’ll never look like the women in Leg Show, that’s for sure. I hate all the beauty magazines out there; they never include “real” women like me.

I’ve dated, but my weight becomes an issue in every relationship. I’m reconciling myself to the fact that, having been fat most of my life, I will probably be fat the rest of it. I know that I am physically unappealing, weight-wise, but this fact in no way decreases my desire to be desired.

Jane, you deal with fetishes of all shapes and sizes. Tell me there are men out there who like big women and that I won’t be lonely the rest of my life. Is there any hope for a “Reubenesque” like me to find true love with a man who won’t want to make me over? To be honest, what I pine for is a man who loves me because I’m fat and not in spite of it. I’ve never told anyone this, but I want a guy who really digs a woman of size. I even have fantasies of being tied down and licked from head to toe like a big yummy ice cream cone.

You probably think it’s strange to have a woman writing to you for advice from a men’s magazine, but to be blunt I found a bunch of your magazines while I was using my cousin’s bathroom. Your responses to other letter-writers, each with a pretty way-out-there problem, were great; I feel safe writing this letter, even if you never answer. Sign me

Tons of Fun

Dear Tons,

I hope, dear heart, that what I’m hearing is emerging self-acceptance and not self-loathing resignation—because, precious girl, when we focus endlessly on one aspect of ourselves, we inevitably make it a shared agony in a relationship. Unfortunately, I know this from personal experience. I was about thirty pounds overweight in college and always either starving or hitting the cookie jar. When we broke up, my boyfriend at the time confided in me that he never even noticed I was heavy at the beginning of our three years together—but that I made such a big deal out of it that he came to hate my size, my dieting, and my overall obsession with it all.

Those were the days before Big Beautiful Women discovered they had a following, men who adore fat women. Men eager to lick you like an ice cream cone. Even men who will feed you ice cream.

“Fat admiration” (FA) is abundant as a sexual desire or fetish. The site www.deviantdesires.com says that a preference for fat women is “only natural,” that when we were babies suckling at our mom’s soft breasts she must have seemed like a “mountain of luscious fat.”

These men want to worship at your temple of flesh: a big woman reminds them of Astarte, the ancient goddess of love and fertility. Sound good? It gets better: some men want to feed women; they love to see their woman chow down. Imagine not eating that donut in secret and feeling guilty about it but having a worshipful man by your side who actually gets a thrill from you eating your favorite treats.

Actually, the “feeder”—the man whose biggest sexual turn-on is weighing and measuring their lovers and watching them eat—is hugely controversial in the FA community because, its critics say, it connotes injury to the “feedee.” My feeling is that, as with any sexual activity, if our lover crosses a boundary of ours, it’s up to us to speak up. Anything can be carried too far—“too far” being, of course, highly individual.

Indulge me one moment, Tons, while I carry on here in making an important point: Oh, I weary of the judgments—and pecking order—that exist in sexuality. One niche will struggle with its secret desires, finally come out and embrace their fetish only to turn on others who have different but related sexual tastes. For instance, the spankers look down upon the infantilists; the S&Mers snub their nose at the lightweight D&Sers; couples who role-play judge cross-dressers; those into bondage look down on people with rape fantasies; lesbians are suspicious of bi-sexual women. And on and on. If a relationship is consensual, others really ought to keep their opinions to themselves. It’s damn difficult to find love in this world; to find a partner who both loves us AND has the same sexual tastes that we do is a miracle and should be celebrated, not judged. Besides, feeding fantasies can be deeply erotic for both parties; you indicate this when you say you want to be adored for being overweight and licked from one end to the other. It’s a fantasy that equates your largeness with abundant female sexuality and fecundity.

Go to www.dimensionsmagazine.com, sweetheart girl. It’s a free site offering a wealth of discussion around fat-related issues ranging from fashion to “fat music.” If you need it, visit the area called “fat sex,” a discussion of issues in the bedroom of large people with sex drives to match.

Feel your size, babe, and know your power. You don’t have a problem; you have a super-sized opportunity. When you walk out of your house tomorrow morning, walk with attitude, confidence, and energy. Realize that there are men who not only want to love you but to adore you and they will flock to you. When he brings a box of Krispy Kremes on his first date with you, eat them! And thank the donut gods that you never have to look at a Vogue magazine again.

He’s Got Dick-Sucking Lips
Dear Jane,

I have been dating my girlfriend for two years and we have a really good relationship. She is the first and only person I’ve had sex with (I’m 23) and our sex life has grown over the past year. We’ve done our bit of fantasy role-playing but recently she hit me with a bit of a shocker.

Late one night after an amorous hour or so we laid in bed talking and she tells me that I have DSLs (Dick-Sucking Lips). She further said that she wants to watch me give head to a guy and that she has masturbated to this fantasy.

Granted, I guess I do have something of an oral fixation as I often suck and/or lick her fingers, neck, ears, toes, feet, breasts, and, of course, pussy. In fact, sometimes I would rather eat her out than get head from her. But this new twist kind of stunned me.

She knows I’ve cross-dressed in the past and we’ve even incorporated some of that into our sex life. She said I could give head to a guy while cross-dressed, if it would be more comfortable for me. I haven’t really answered her on this, but I have to admit that I’ve thought about it. I love oral sex and my favorite parts of porn is always watching a girl suck a guy’s cock. Now, however, I’m imagining that I am the girl with a cock in her mouth.

A part of me has gotten its curiosity up and wants to agree to her fantasy but another part very much shies away from it. I guess I’m afraid that if I do it, it may be come a regular routine in our sex life and lead to less sex with her. The thought has also occurred to me that I might like it. Maybe too much. Don’t misunderstand me. We’ve had trysts with a girl and other times with a guy. I’m not paranoid of being naked around or close to another naked guy, but nude guys really don’t do anything for me.

Which is why I’m confused about being curious to suck cock all of a sudden. Maybe I’m just afraid that somehow it will lead to us growing apart and breaking up. Then again maybe I’m being way too melodramatic about this.

What do you recommend I should do? Indulge her fantasy and my new curiosity, or tell her no?

Also, I was wondering if many women have this particular fantasy (do you yourself?) of seeing two men together. It’s quite common for men to enjoy seeing two women together. But, although I’ve known a few women who wanted to use a dildo on their man, I never knew they would want to see two guys in a 69 or something like that.

Thank you for your attention to this and thank you for your sexually intelligent and open-minded advice column. I anticipate your response with eager enthusiasm.

Curiously Confused

Dear CC,

Be honest, bad boy: you’re more curious than confused. You know you’re just champing at the dick—I mean bit—to hear someone say it’s okay. And it is. Go forth, young man, and accept the seed of another man.

Sucking another man’s cock while your girlfriend watches would clearly be a thrill for you both and could enhance your sex with your girlfriend, not decrease it as you fear.

Also, acting out this fantasy doesn’t “mean” anything. It doesn’t mean you’re gay (and so what if part of you is?). It only means that you like your sex varied. And that you’ve got just the right girlfriend for the kind of creative sex you crave.

You’re right, CC, that it is common for men to “enjoy seeing two women together.” It’s an almost ubiquitous fantasy among straight men. The same is not true for women: I suspect more women prefer seeing two women together than two men. But I wouldn’t be one of them. My favorite pornography is all male, all the time. I especially like porn in which a man has a date with a woman, then brings her back to his place only to discover that she’s a he. Which may be one reason I find your girlfriend’s idea such a good one.

The Advantages of Incest
Dear Jane,

Both my sister and I have been married and divorced twice. Neither of us wants to remarry or get ourselves into new relationships at this stage of our lives because in the past it always ended up in marriage.

We are both fucking horny and would like to have sex on a steady frequency. My sister is three years older than I am; we’re both in our late forties. Consider our options for a regular sexual release: Her using a vibrator or dildo (which she has been doing) and me jerking off to the models in Leg Show. Or we could go to sex clubs. Or hire prostitutes. Both of these options, though, can lead to disease, etc.

My sister says why not join forces? We can have sex together—avoiding her fertile days each month—and we can do it naturally since we know we are disease-free.

My sister is what I would call a “hot hottie”—nice body, large breasts, well taken care of. And she’s a bitch—both in appearance and verbally. She’s demanding without inhibitions. I am well hung, can hold an erection for a long time, and enjoy a woman who knows how to be “bad.” Twenty-five years ago my sister would be called a “pig.” Today she’s a modern broad: she gives a lot and has overt demands herself.

Please give us your insight. We can only see the upside to this. Pregnancy would not happen; seven days before her period and seven days after her period we will use protection. Or, she can go on the Pill.

The rest of the time we can go skin to skin, which I prefer and she likes the force of my ejaculation inside her. She has experienced sex any way you name it: vaginally, anally, orally, between her breasts. I love large breasts and sis has them and flaunts them.

A reply via your Leg Show column for the readership to read, and maybe create a new avenue for others.

Joan & Alex

Dear Alex,

I hope you were straining at the front of your trousers as you wrote your heart out to me about having sex with your hot-hottie sister. Gosh, by the end you were so rhapsodic that you were writing in present tense. Sad for you that you made it all up.

Sometimes I linger over a writer’s letter wondering whether it’s a real issue he’s working through or just a fantasy. But yours, sweet pea, reeks of falsehood.

It doesn’t add up that your sister, as “hot” as she is, can’t have pretty much any man she wants. At the dawn of this 21st century, women are quite clear on the concept of having sex without marriage.

If you are writing to get validation on the idea of a brother and sister engaging with one another as you suggest (with mutual consent, without procreation, and with use of birth control—which, by the way, needs to be used every single time as a woman can get pregnant any time of month, even during her period), then consider it done. I pronounce this union o.k. Be happy as you lie with your sister, naughty boy. Even if your sis looks a whole lot like your fist.

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and is the owner of X-traordinary Talk! She can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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