December 2004

Can this be legal?
Dear Jane,

I can often come without touching myself, just by crossing my legs as a pretty girl goes by. You wouldn’t believe how pretty the girls are that make me cum in this way.

One of the best ways to do this is by going into a shoe shop. The girls bend over when trying on shoes, virtually sticking their asses in my face, and then I can cum without them even knowing. The other day there was this girl in a shoe store—her ass was so pretty it was bordering on a miracle—in fact it was a miracle. I managed, very lightly and secretly, to kiss it . . . maybe the girl just barely noticed. I guess this really is against the law, technically, but her ass was so, so pretty . . . it needed to be kissed and worshipped.

Also, traveling up escalators is fantastic. I can be right behind a girl in skin-tight pants and it is like having her almost sitting on my face. Then I move my legs slightly and the pressure makes me cum, and the girl never knows anything about it. I love to have these girls do this to me and then watch them waltz nonchalantly and triumphantly away.

I love doing this, but I am a bit worried. Am I doing anything dangerous or abnormal? I’m worried that what I’ve been doing may not be legal. I’ve heard that masturbating in a public place is illegal, but masturbating involves using your hand, I suppose, or doing it openly, and I’m not doing that. I’m just pressing my thighs together and rubbing myself in this way. It feels so outrageous, to be spunking with my face right in the ass of a beautiful girl while she doesn’t know it . . . then she walks away swaying that same beautiful ass I have just cum in, so to speak.

Passion for Ass

My Darling Ass,

I agree: nothing’s quite as lovely as the upside-down heart shape of a woman’s bottom. It’s one of the exquisite attributes that makes a woman womanly. And a pretty one can inspire a man to great heights. As you imply, they should be worshipped and adored, absolutely.

But what you’re doing is reckless, selfish, and a violation of others’ space. You’re a public voyeur as well as a public masturbator and, as the latter, you’re right to worry since this is illegal. Also, little dog, as you hover over their behinds doing your dirty deed, you’re using these women in a nonconsensual way for your sexual gratification. Or do you let yourself off the moral hook because you’re not touching them and not touching yourself . . . .

You’re splitting hairs when you say masturbating involves using one’s hand. I’m not sure a judge examining your semen-soaked underwear, fresh from your ride up the escalator at the mall, would see it that way. And don’t be so sure the women whose space you’re in aren’t aware of your presence and closeness and what you’re doing. As women, we are ultra-sensitive to men’s proximity, particularly lone men in women’s shoe stores fixated on pretty behinds whose eyes begin to glaze over as they tightly squeeze their crossed legs, squirm a bit, breathe increasingly deeply, then sigh and relax when it’s all over.

Which brings up another point . . . If you can really cum by simply crossing your legs and without any outward signs, please refer yourself to the Kinsey Institute’s research lab, for you are an anomaly among men.

Bottom line: back off, puppy. Find a girlfriend who loves having her behind sniffed, followed, and paid tribute to. Maybe she’ll even let you touch her. You’ll both be happy . . . as will the women at the mall.

Curing the Burn of Desire
Hi Jane,

Many years ago I had an intoxicatingly dominant sexual partner. Actually, it was twenty years ago and she was my wife. She offered me something I didn’t understand at the time. She was good about making me feel warm and protected. But at the same time she made me aware she was in charge in the bedroom. She would tease me a lot, then require gratification. It was incredibly exciting.

She often began the teasing buildup by phone, calling me at work and dangling a little tidbit she knew would get me going. She was masterful at keeping the game escalating until we got into bed and I was half crazy with desire. She kept me on edge for hours.

Endorphins are a wonderful thing. The release she gave—the release she permitted—was massive. Addictive as all get-out.

We divorced because I was young and stupid. I thought I wanted a quote-unquote normal life. I went on to marry a very straight-laced woman. I love her. We have children together. But no matter how much I try I can’t get the past out of my desires. I grew to like what my first wife did with me too much. Would go back in a heartbeat. Moth to the flame of intensity.

I looked you up. You’re an expert in seduction. So tell me, Jane, please: How does one cure oneself of one’s desires?

Cure Me!

Dear Living in the Past,

Living is most felt at the pitch of sensation brought about by the ecstasy of sexual craving we call desire. Sadly, we cannot “will” desire; it’s as uncommon as sunshine in Seattle. That’s why it’s to be treasured.

But let’s differentiate between your desire for tease and denial that you experienced as a younger man and the drudgery of your banal sex life today. I suspect that what happened is that your life with your current partner got dull and your mind started remembering back, as in, “I’m unhappy with what I have but I remember a time when what I had provided me with so much excitement. And so I desire that.” The problem with desire is that only very specific activities or people can satisfy it.

However, there’s hope because desire begins with excitement and excitement is all about options. It comes from reacting to stimulation brought on by fantasies, erotic art and films, body odors, viewing and caressing our partner, acting out roles we harbor, and so much more. If you had excitement in your life today, you’d forget about the past. But as long as you hold onto your desire for the impossible specificities of the past you’re also blocking yourself from new excitement, and hence from giving birth to new desires.

First, open up with your “straight-laced” wife. I’ll bet you a teasing phone call that she doesn’t believe you’re the sexual beast you fancy yourself. I have no doubt she’s every bit as bored as you. Why do men think their wives are satisfied when they themselves are not? I promise that your wife is just as miserable in bed as you are, sweetheart (that’s not supposed to be consolation). One partner is never having glorious sex while the other is having a horrid time. Couples are more in sync than that. And if you assume she simply doesn’t like sex because of her straight-laced-ness, please think again. Anecdotal research indicates that it’s the women in the Peter Pan collars and sensible shoes who are the tigers when unleashed.

To find happiness, get your head out of the past. Find out her fantasies—I mean the ones beyond what you give her credit for. This is where excitement begins. Generating some heat is almost as easy as rubbing two sticks together once you get your minds engaged. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to desire what you have instead of what you don’t?

Is It OK to Act Out Fantasies?
Dear Jane,

Part of my fantasies are “being made to do it.” I’ve never really been with anyone to make this happen. At least not the way I imagine it in my mind.

I don’t have any desire to do a TV thing. However, in my fantasy, I imagine that my wife or girlfriend would “make” me dress in panties, pantyhose, nightie, and maybe toenail polish either as a way to understand my feminine side or as a punishment for a misdeed. Or maybe as a way to get me to help more around the house. Once dressed this way, I would be “forced” to perform orally and then perhaps as a final humiliation, instead of being allowed to fuck her, I would be “forced” to masturbate in front of her.

I’ve been alone emotionally and physically for a very long time now. My question to you is: Do you think it would be OK if I acted out at least part of my fantasy when I’m alone? I know it won’t have the exact effect that I desire, but I mean, do you think it could be somewhat satisfying to me if I went out and bought a pair of panties, pantyhose, and maybe a nightie for myself, and then did some of my housecleaning while dressed in these things? (I do get a little hard when I think about doing this.)

Thanks for your thoughts on this, Jane.

Submissive in a Nightie

Dear Sub,

Darling, charity begins at home. Fantasy can be wonderful; you were your first lover and your mind knows exactly what your hot buttons are. Go buy the nightie, panties, and anything else that will take you to that magical state of submission. You might find that shopping for these things provides a bit of erotic humiliation in itself; you never know whether the saleswoman guesses they’re for you, after all.

When you get home, do your housekeeping with frequent glances in the mirrors around your place so that you can remind yourself of what a big sissy you are. When you’ve done a halfway acceptable job on the house—it probably won’t be good enough, but it’s the best a boy in a nightie and panties can be expected to do. Then stand next to your bed on a small hand towel. Pull up your nightie, pull down your panties, and pull on your big-clittie until you have your little accident. Be mindful to confine your gooey mess to your hand, darling . . . don’t want to mess up the place you just cleaned, do you?

Feel better? Good. Now for the downside of fantasy, and I bring this up only because the part of your letter that really stood out for me was your statement that you’ve been alone emotionally and physically for a very long time. While fantasy fills a void and can be very pleasant, remember that it doesn’t address the lack of emotional connection with another person. In fact, because fantasy is easier and less complicated than a relationship, some of us tend to use fantasy as an escape from intimacy.

I urge you to run an ad in your local singles’ magazine or e-zine, connect in Internet chat rooms, be social with your current network of friends, and otherwise be open to meeting women. In the meantime, sweetie . . . if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and is the owner of X-traordinary Talk! She can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane“s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com. ’Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane“s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are ’real,” although may be edited for length.

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