March 2005

He Can’t Make Heads or Tails of Her Anatomy
Dear Jane,

Why is a guy’s sex organ located at the same place where his orgasm happens but the same is not true for women? Women’s clits are miles away from their vaginas. Women I’ve been with haven’t had vaginal orgasms. It’s pretty much all about the clit.

Wouldn’t it have made sense for evolution—propagation of the species and all that—for women to have intense desire for men to insert their dicks, the immediate payoff being the orgasm they’d get from his pumping? It makes no sense. So why is it that women’s clits so far from their vaginas?

T.D. in Chicago

Dear Darwin,

To separate the men from the boys, doll. The frustration I hear in your question, sweet pea, suggests you don’t get laid much. But the fact that you want to learn is also a clue that someday you may evolve to become a decent lover. One a woman might choose above all the others she could have.

And that’s the point. In evolution’s wisdom, women’s clits are both hidden and exquisitely sensitive. This probably means that the clitoris is important not as a function of men’s mate choice, but as a mechanism of female choice. As such, her orgasms won’t occur every time a man sticks it in her, however inept, lazy, inattentive, brief, and selfish a lover he may be.

Women’s orgasms are not as automatic as men’s; they are more likely when a woman has a lover who cares about her, is attentive, and willing to learn her body and delay his own sexual pleasure so that she can experience hers. The choosy clit is far more likely to produce orgasm when a woman is attracted to a man’s body, mind, and personality, and when, through satisfying attentions he gives her sexually, he proves himself worthy.

The clit is not only an orgasm that provides pleasure; it helps a woman assess how effectively a man shows affection, and whether she might allow him to have sex with her again. And that, darling boy, is why you might find it worth it to journey “miles” to her clitoris.

What to do About Penny the Prick Tease
Dear Jane,

I need your help and how. In fact, you are partly to blame for my dilemma.

I am 19 years old and very inexperienced but I am attracted to a woman who happens to be the mum of a friend of mine. She’s also my mum’s friend, so she’s over sometimes. Her name is Penny and you are the spitting image of each other (that’s why this is partly your fault although I apologize for saying this and hope you’re not offended).

Penny came round the other day dressed in red high heels, a red jumper, a very short black skirt with nylon stockings and suspenders. She is the biggest “prick tease” going. She always drops her lipstick in front of me so she can pick it up—and when she does, her skirt stretches tight across her arse and she makes sure her stocking tops show. I know she does it on purpose.

My older brother was moving and gave me a few of his old mags and just my luck one of them was a copy of Leg Show, November 2002. I was stopped in my tracks when I got to page 52. There you were in red high heels, red jumper, black skirt, and stockings and suspenders. Just like Penny had on the other day. So that picture’s been keeping me going while I write you asking what to do about Penny.

Andrew in London

Dear Andrew,

You boys and your MILFs. I wish we women acknowledged and devoted entire web sites to the “Fathers I’d Like to Fuck” (FILFs, if you will).

Penny is paying you a compliment, you sweet juicy darling. She’s giving you much more than a peek at her stocking tops—she’s giving the gift of tease. She’s inviting you to participate in her own fantasy. I don’t advise approaching her for more. It’s unlikely that she’ll ever give it; that’s more likely to happen in the letters in Penthouse than with your mom’s friend.

Reading intent is one of the biggest challenges in relationships between men and women—especially when tease is involved. Men too often jump to conclusions; please don’t be the clod who assumes she’s asking for more. Instead, wait for a clear invitation. What’s that? Anything short of her dropping a hotel room key in your hands is not one. When you’re older, lad, you’ll realize that the tease—the longing—can be incredibly memorable and (perversely) satisfying in a way nailing her won’t ever be.

I’ve got to say I admire the range and richness of fantasies you boys have—and the huge variety of women who spark these fantasies. Use Penny the prick tease just as you have been: as masturbatory fodder. Enjoy the show, baby doll, and jerk off as often as possible to the fantasies Penny conjures. The fantasies she inspires are gifts that keep on giving, ones you’ll treasure (and jerk off to) the rest of your life.

Why Can’t He Be the Foot Slave He Wants To Be?
Dear Jane,

My fantasy involves my girlfriend coming home from a long day at work, kicking off her shoes, putting her stockinged feet on my lap, and demanding a foot massage. As I tend to her feet, she can watch TV, or read the newspaper . . . whatever she’d like.

But when I tell this to a woman, I’m turned down. “My feet are too sweaty,” “I’m ticklish,” and “Are you crazy?”

Is this such a horrible thing to want? It’s not like I’m asking to inhale their shoe or lick their feet. I don’t want a dominatrix. I don’t want to be naked and collared. I just want to give the massage.

I was thinking of taking an ad in the personals. Two problems with this, though: If I mention what I want in the ad, I might come off sounding like a weird foot-fetish guy. If I don’t mention this, I could end up with a great girl who hates anyone touching her feet.

I can’t just erase this fantasy in my head. Is this the same as a breast guy dating a flat-chested girl—or a girl who loves men with thick heads of hair but who’s dating a bald guy? Am I a terrible person for using this fantasy as a qualification for a woman? How do I find a woman who’s into foot rubs?

Your devoted S.H. in NH

Dearly Devoted,

Maybe it’s not a matter of finding a woman who’s into foot rubs so much as it is finding a woman who’s into YOU.

Listen: Most women adore having their feet massaged. I myself rank this pleasure even greater than shoe shopping. It’s not a matter of finding a woman who likes this activity over one who doesn’t, babe, as much as it is about finding a woman who likes you and, because she does, she’s open to doing what you like. I never knew I was into spanking men until I met a man I really, really cared for who really liked being spanked. Because I liked him, I was open to his exotic sexual tastes. Men mistakenly believe that a woman needs to be into the kink first. That’s helpful, but not vital. She might just need to be into him first.

Another thing: Your problem with the women you’ve dated could be one of context. Women coming home from work may have other things on her mind than being touched at all. Or she may view your desires as a proposition for sex.

Don’t discount finding a woman through the personals—and, yes, mention that, along with liking particular sports and particular foods, you give great foot rubs. This needn’t be a big deal, nervous boy. Then, once you find a woman you feel really cares about you, gradually get her used to the idea of having her feet pampered. For instance, after you’ve gotten close enough to make love, linger over her body with whole-body caresses. Work down her legs until you get to her feet. After a few mind-blowing orgasms, most women would welcome her lover to touch, suck, tickle, lick, fondle, caress, penetrate, or rub up against pretty much anything he wanted to.

Giving Himself a Blow-Job
Dear Jane,

I am a straight male and would like to try auto-fellatio. Is this considered somewhat normal? I use my hand; I figure, why not another means? Thank you. I’m a big fan.

Self-Sucker

Dear S. Sucker,

Just how big a fan are you? Or are you just flexible?

Seriously, if you can manage getting your cock into your mouth without ending up in a difficult-to-explain neck brace, why not do it? What could feel better than a warm, wet tongue sliding over the genitals just exactly as you like it? I never thought about it before, but, hell, if I could get down there, I’d try it, too. Hmmm, finally a reason to have penis envy. . .

No, of course it’s not considered “normal,” somewhat or otherwise. Very little is. But sweet sucker, why should that stop you? Most of the very best experiences we get in life are unacceptable; maybe it’s easier to ask for forgiveness (if we have to) than permission. The bigger issue is the sheer logistics of the posture; in the end you may just want to work harder to find someone else to do it.

However, as I visualize you in this position, your head giving you head, I find the image hugely erotic. Would you please send photos? I figure if you’re talented enough to get your cock in your mouth, you can probably hit the shutter button, too.

What To Do About His Bounty of Young Girls
Dear Jane,

I’m an 18-year-old lad who needs advice about women. I’m currently going out with this girl of 14. I really like her and she really likes me but there are a few problems. Firstly, I think she’s a bit young for me, and secondly, I’m not sure whether I actually like her or I’m just going out with her cuz I want a girlfriend. And thirdly, I’m not sure if I’m going out with her because I want to make another girl I like jealous.

Which brings me on to this other girl. She’s 15 and I’ve liked her for a while now, but she’s never shown any interest in me, until now. She told me yesterday she likes me, so now I need help! I’m not sure who I actually like. I think I like this 15-year-old girl, but I’ve only just started dating the other girl, so I’m not sure if I could end it straight away. Please help!

Chris from the UK

Dear Sweetheart Boy,

Dump both—straight away, as you say—and find a girl your own age to date. That will not solve your problems of youth and inexperience, but it will many others. And—whatever you do—don’t have sex with either of these underage girls or you’ll be writing me with a whole other problem.

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com or writing to her at Leg Show. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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