May 2005

Nostalgic for the Sub Life He Used to Know
Dear Jane,

You are obviously extremely intelligent and incredibly sexy. Your advice column is impressive: interesting, wise, and at the same time, arousing.

I became aware of my sexually submissive nature in my early twenties when I was in a relationship with a woman who allowed me to worship her beautiful bottom for hours on end. Often she’d wear high heels, stockings, and suspenders and she would stand over me in a deliciously dominant, knowing and mildly amused way, while I lay beneath her in seventh heaven.

Once, in a restaurant in NY, she flirted with a very good-looking waiter even though I was sitting next to her, and she was very amused to see how much it turned me on. This dynamic in our sex life at the time was something we just accidentally discovered, but I was inhibited and unable to accept that I was so submissive. I felt ashamed and embarrassed and so I tried to shut off this part of my sexuality.

I am 36 now and married to a wonderful woman I love dearly. For a few years we enjoyed a happy and active sex life without any “SM” feel to it at all. It sounds really stupid, I know, but I was delighted and relieved because I was “normal” and could enjoy a conventional married life.

My wife and I still have sex, but unfortunately I feel increasingly addicted to my submissive fantasies. She noticed, of course, that my sex drive was waning. I’ve admitted that I have this submissive part of me, but, although she is mature and sensible, she panics about this “perversion” of mine because she doesn’t share my interest in SM at all. She worries about our future together.

I regret to say that I now go to professional dominas. Doing so provides some sexual release, but it’s not very satisfying and I don’t want to threaten my marriage in this way. Because my wife is so worried about my sexual desires, I feel even more embarrassed and I cannot find the courage to describe exactly which little fantasies I’d enjoy playing out with her.

There is perhaps one small ray of hope: I discovered recently that I enjoy wearing skimpy G-string underwear that exposes my rather large bottom. She finds this a bit weird, but she likes my bottom a lot and is able to laugh about my underwear.

I adore being submissive. I have so many fantasies in this area. I LOVE the way you talk to your “boys” who read your fantastic web site. I would be grateful, dearest Jane, if you could give me some advice about improving my sex life with my wonderful wife.

Horny & Hoping in Chicago

Dear H&H,

If you have to use any term at all, I prefer dominance and submission (D&S) to sadomasochism (SM) because it more precisely describes the sort of play you like and sounds less torture-chamber-ish. As you can see by the reappearance of your kink, after years of being “normal,” your need to surrender runs deep and is tenacious.

I have the feeling that you presented your desires to your wife in a gloomy, serious, guilt-ridden manner. You probably apologized for the weird “perversions” you possess. You fell all over yourself trying to explain them, ultimately holding your head in your hands and wailing, “I don’t know where this stuff came from . . . I, I (sob) just . . .I just need it.” When you talk this way, you don’t pique her interest—you burden her.

And you needn’t have. D&S play is done all the time without anyone realizing that that’s what it is they’re doing. The simple and common act of fellatio can be about D&S if a woman teasingly pulls away from his about-to-burst member before he climaxes. It’s D&S if she mentions over breakfast that she bought a new, sheer baby-doll nightie she’s looking forward to wearing for him that night. And it’s D&S if, after having triggered luscious images of her in the sheer nightie while he’s at work all day, she asks him to run her a bath and soap her up before she slips it on. These things happen all the time between partners who’ve never even heard the term D&S.

Stop being so deadly serious with your wife, darling. Project a new playful and romantic attitude about sex. Wear your skimpy g-string for her amusement and suggest she wear her garter belt and stockings. Then get on the bed and stroke her body in a loving but nonsexual way. Tell her you love her, adore her curvy body, and that you find it really sexy when she dresses this way. Ask her what she’d like you to do for her . . . a back massage, a foot rub, telling her a sexy little story about the first time you masturbated . . . anything that is not directly sexual and has a fun component to it. When she agrees to one of your ideas—or if she comes up with one of her own—do it in a light-hearted way. Tell her you love it when she dishes out a little direction and control. Actually, the hard-on jutting out of your g-string should tell her all she needs to know.

You’re not asking her to put you in a leather hood, hang you up on an x-frame and whip you ’til you bleed. All you’re asking is that your sex be more playful. And you’re doing it in a simple and non-threatening way. If she doesn’t find this sweet and romantic—if she shuts you down—you might consider seeing a therapist together. Because your problems might reside outside your sex life and not because of it.

Secretly Succumbing to the Power of Pantyhose
Dear Jane,

I am 33 years old and I wear pantyhose every chance I get (sheer nude) and have been dong this since I was 16. I have had girlfriends in the past who would dress me up in pantyhose, skirts, and heels. I have been dating the same girl for two years now. We have sex all the time and I am able to get hard by thinking of pantyhose while we’re doing it.

I wear pantyhose every single day, even if only for an hour. I have worn them under my leather pants at work before. But that’s no fun. I want them to show. I enjoy rubbing myself through the nylon and even have tied my legs up. I love the way that looks and feels.

I already have hair so long it’s past my waist (I’m a touring pop musician). I do wear skirts and heels, too. I like the strappy, open-toed kind. It turns me on to dress up, makes me very, very hard. I don’t know why. Any ideas on how to break it to a new girlfriend that her boyfriend likes to wear pantyhose?? I’m wearing pantyhose right now and getting hot writing to you. Am I strange with this fetish? Do others have it?

Sheer-to-the-Waist in Florida

Dear Pantyhosed,

Let me get this straight, doll. You’ve had girlfriends in the past who’d play dress-up with you AND you’ve been dating current girlfriend for two years. And still you’re getting off by fantasizing about pantyhose rather than actually playing with pantyhose. Why? Why’d you tell the others but not this woman? Is it because you want to make a lifetime commitment but feel she wouldn’t be able to handle the truth? Consider though: Do you want to live the rest of your life resorting to fantasizing about pantyhose in order to get hard enough to have sex with your wife?

Look, babe, you have it easier than other men because you’re a musician. That alone gives you license to walk on the wild side. Women even expect it. A musician’s reputation for being sexually open might even be one reason she finds you sexy.

You are like all men who have a secret sex agenda they want to share but can’t. How I feel for you, every one of you! It’s always been difficult simply because of the shame and guilt triggered when we realize we’re different from other people. In today’s increasingly conservative social climate it’s getting especially hot outside. Excuse the pun, but until you make peace with your sexy desire to wear pantyhose it will be really, really hard: hard inside your pantyhose when you’re alone with your pantyhose and firm fist—and hard outside of them in your life with your girlfriend. What a blessing it would be to integrate inside and outside.

Straighten Up and Fly Proud
Dear Jane,

I’m a big fan of yours and have a question I’m too embarrassed to ask anyone about. The question is particularly embarrassing as it reveals just how little sexual experience I’ve had for a man of 36.

My problem is that when my penis is erect, instead of sticking straight out it sticks straight up to the sky. In fact, when it’s fully erect there is only about an inch or two between the head of my penis and my flat stomach when I’m standing up.

Is what I have related to a disorder called Peyronie’s? My penis is not curved, bent, or deformed in any other way. Still, it’s horribly embarrassing. I also wonder how this problem might affect my future sex life.

I’ve only had sex a few times with a prostitute and we always did it in the missionary position. I wonder if my problem would be a big turn-off to women or make sex in other positions difficult or impossible. I can pull my erection down until it is almost sticking straight out with no discomfort, but its natural inclination is to pop up again. Do many men have this same problem? Is there something I can do to make me more like other guys that would be covered by my HMO?

Please Help!

Dear Sky Gazer,

I love a man who offers a convenient spot to hang my coat when I walk in.

Do you have a problem? Yes, a big one: insecurity. Which is too bad, for you bear the mighty sword of a much younger man. When men are in their teens and twenties, their erections can be as erect as a flagpole (and as hard as a chunk of parmesan). As they age, the flag tends to fly at half-mast and be as hard as—well, to further the simile—brie.

You believe that “normal” is an erection that stands straight out from the body (i.e., at 90 degrees). Well, if the stats on www.the-penis.com are accurate, only 17 percent of men angle salute at 85 to 95 degrees. Around 30 percent are erect at a 30- to 60-degree angle from their bodies; another 30 percent jut out at 60 to 85 degrees (geez, you guys measure everything down there, don’t you?). You, my dear, are in the rarified company of the eight percent who stand firm at between zero and 30 degrees.

You certainly don’t have Peyronie’s disease. The excessive curve of the penis that marks Peyronie’s is thought to be caused by an injury to the internal cavity of the penis. The scar tissue that remains after healing is hard and inflexible and sits inside the shaft of the penis like a knot, causing it to bend when erect. It affects about one percent of men, including, apparently, a former friend of Paula Jones.

Kiss the sky, erect little boy, and strut like a peacock among women (actually, it’s not the women who care; it’s other men who will be impressed). Your fine erection might interfere with some sexual positions, such as rear entry—because the more upright the erection, the less flexible the base of the penis. But this is hardly a problem; there are more positions than there are panties in my lingerie cabinet. If you want to know problems, visit www.the-penis.com/problems. In researching your question, I came across some real penis problems you never, ever want to think about, let alone have. Ones that HMOs probably do cover.

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com or writing to her at Leg Show. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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