July 2005

He’d Rather be Jerking Off in Jail
Dear Jane,

The biggest turn-on I’ve ever had happened in jail. I spent a year there and while I was there a buddy of mine told me he saw my wife coming out and going into our house with another man. Can you imagine the thoughts running through my mind as I lay on my bed in jail? I called my wife and asked her about it. She said my buddy was lying.

One day I called home and a guy answered the phone. He told me his name was Greg. I asked him whether he was fucking my wife. At first he denied it but when I told him I didn’t mind—that it turned me on—he admitted to me that he was.

I asked him to please write me a letter telling me in detail all about them in bed together so I could have something to jerk off to in jail. (We aren’t allowed photos of nude women in jail.)

He did something better. He let me stay on the phone and listen as my wife sucked him off. I mean, Jane, I could actually hear the slurping noises her mouth was making as she sucked on his cock. After awhile I heard him holler, “Oh, fuck, baby, I’m coming.”

Going to jail isn’t a turn-on for people in general, I know. It does turn me on, though. I enjoy watching shows on television about guys going to prison. I think about it being me. It turns me on to the point I jack my cock off sometimes four times a day. I spend a lot of time thinking about this. It has consumed me like a fire out of control. I have been told by some people I’ve written to about it that I should seriously seek some professional help.

I wanted to tell YOU about it because I know how open-minded you are. Please mail me a brief reply telling me it’s perfectly normal.

Jailbird

Dear JB,

Of all the reasons a guy might end up in jail, yours is as unique as—well, as a guy who gets off by fantasizing about being in jail. I’ll reply, realizing you may not see these words for years, perhaps five to ten.

I’m not sure what you want me to decree “normal.” Do you want me to tell you that it’s normal to be turned on by the knowledge that your wife is with other men? It is; it’s a cuckold fantasy, only with a jail twist. Or do you want me to say that it’s normal to jerk off while fantasizing about being in jail? Yep, normal again—a submissive fantasy if there ever was one.

Jerking off four times a day while thinking about these things is also normal . . . unless your special fun is interfering with your showing up for the rest of your life—you know, non-jail activities. But you’re waving a red flag that this is not the case when you write that you’re preoccupied with your fantasies to the extent that they’re “like a fire out of control.” Are you so preoccupied with them that you’d break-and-enter to feed them? That might go, at the very minimum, in the “highly unusual” category, little jailbird.

Before you find yourself in an orange jumpsuit, try enacting your fantasies with a woman. She can arrest you and put you “in jail”—www.extremerestraints.com sells a collapsible full-size jail cell; www.pxdirect.com sells regulation uniforms, cell furnishings, and restraints not only to jails but to anyone who wants jail stuff. Once she’s thrown you in the slammer and locked the door, your lover can have some fun. And so can you. Your wife is an obvious choice to enact this with you; it sounds like she has part of this fantasy down pat already.

Please, sweetheart, try my suggestion before you hold up a 7-Eleven. Because fantasies like yours can land you smack dab back in an itty-bitty room with no view and bad food for a damn long time. A high price to pay—don’t you think?—for getting off.

Will Trade Laundry Duty for Groin Abuse
Dear Jane,

I am totally obsessed with women, more so if they are into pantyhose and/or stockings. When I’m in their presence, I will do anything for them. I had a mistress once who loved to kick me in the balls, mostly out in public. I have grown to love this. It gets me excited now if someone inflicts pain in my groin.

I tell all women that if they keep me as a slave I will do anything for them. I can cook, clean house, do renovations, build sheds and fences, do laundry, and sew. I am very good at giving hours of foot massages or minutes of G-spot massages. There isn’t any part of a woman’s body I will not lick/suck. Although right now I have a craving to kiss/lick ass.

My fetish is serving a woman 100 percent and doing anything she asks of me. Just two months ago a pair of mistresses took me home for a week of cooking and cleaning and occasional cock-and-ball torture and flogging. One night while tied up over an ottoman, one decided to fuck me with a big strap-on. When she saw that I was enjoying this, she got a bigger one. When that wasn’t big enough, she stuck one hand up my ass, then two. That is when I let go of myself and had the biggest orgasm of my life. My whole body shook and trembled for about three minutes. Cum flowed from my cock in a constant stream (not the usual squirts) and I moaned in ecstasy. When it was over I was weak and unable to move. I was really fucked for the first time and it was great. I will do anything for a woman who treats me like this.

My friends want me to stop telling women they can do anything they want to me; they are afraid I will get seriously hurt. They also want me to learn to say “No” and “Please don’t do that.” But my friends don’t give me sex so I have to find someone...I just love having my balls squished, squeezed, slapped, and pounded.

I am a truck driver and travel the country. I’ve responded to many ads and sent money for empty promises of getting together. All they want is easy money. My female friends tell me to stop sending money in the mail, but that I can hand it to them in person once I meet them. What do you think about this tactic? I would love to find a woman or group of women who could use me sexually and/or for their pleasure. Do you know anyone who needs a slutty assistant? Do you?

Kick Me, Please

Dear Kick Me,

Darling, it’s laudable that you feel as comfortable as you do in your sexual skin. But having lived with your particular desires for many years now, you may not comprehend how very peculiar it sounds to women you’ve just met to hear that they can abuse your testicles any way they want. While it’s true, it’s just not an effective pick-up line.

Likewise with women you meet through ads. I know that you’re hopeful when you find a woman who’s interested in getting together. But get to know them a bit outside of your sexual interests before you make plans to meet. As you’ve found, most are unfortunately more interested in your money than in you.

Definitely don’t speed your truck across the country to meet anyone without first getting to know each other. E-mail back and forth and talk on the phone to gauge a woman’s character and true interest before you risk disappointment. Most women looking for a permanent mate will not want to use your testicles as punching bags, sweetheart. These women will have to grow to really care about you in order to give you what you want.

When you do finally meet, whether for love or money, you’ll find that having gotten acquainted with one another will provide a semblance of trust in the relationship. That in itself can help you give yourself over to the mind-blowing two-fisted slut sex that makes your world spin.

I agree with your friends that being indiscriminate can get you hurt, and not in the way you want. Losing money is one thing. But what if you meet a Delilah who wants to snip something more than hair in order to render her Samson powerless?

I myself don’t happen to be in the market for a slutty assistant, precious darling, although I admit to being tempted by your offer of G-spot massages that last for minutes on end. I wonder what sort of luck you’d have with temp agencies...you might be the only slutty assistant in their roster who’ll work for testicular torture.

A Panty Purveyor is Born
Dear Jane,

I am a married woman, 34. I read your advice column; you’re wise and witty and charming. As the Mistress of Panties, could you please advise me?

I love lingerie, especially panties, and have long considered the notion of selling my worn panties. When I was younger I didn’t have the gumption, but now it seems like the right time.

Ever since having my babies (preschoolers now) it seems like my sex drive has quadrupled (and I was a pretty horny girl before!). At some times of the month I’m so horny I almost can’t stop masturbating. I’d really like to put that sexual energy to good use to bring a little more pleasure and spice into my world as well as make a little extra money—you know, kill two birds with one stone or, perhaps, hide two birds in one bush...? My husband knows about this idea and is totally supportive. He’s something of a panty fetishist himself and he likes the idea of other men admiring and pleasuring themselves with my panties.

I have to say that selling my worn garments is part of the turn-on for me. There’s something very erotic about being valued enough for a man to pay merely for my special smell...and of offering a never-quite-fulfilled promise of having me. I guess the root of all my fantasies is the incredibly erotic charge of being desired, desired to the point of distraction, so that a man just can’t restrain himself.

I have some ideas about other “services” I could provide that I haven’t seen offered. For example, a man could send me his favorite type of panties to wear and, after wearing them and masturbating in them, I could return them to him. Or I could offer a little “refresher” service and re-wear a pair of panties to restore their lovely fragrance. I am also quite excited by the thought of posing for photos and writing nasty letters to my panty-lovers.

When I read the letters you answer, I see that some men are into one of my secret desires: the sexiness of menstrual blood. I love the smell of mine as well as the taste. It’s like a delicious very rare steak, which is something I always crave during my period. I use those little cup things instead of tampons, which is really cool because I get to see-smell-touch-taste the blood itself. Could this intimate substance be part of my offerings?

My problem is that I’m not as fit as I once was. I used to have the figure of a Playboy bunny, but I’ve gained some weight (I’m about 245) and while I’m still attractive (apparently, given the reactions I still get from men), mine is probably not the body that would appeal to the average man. My husband tells me that the preference in panties-as-sex-toys is “smaller is better.” He says that a g-string is hotter than bikinis and a size 5 g-string is hotter than a size 10. I counter my husband’s argument by telling him there are plenty of men who prefer a lady of substance. Jane, how many panty-lovers are also chubby-chasers? Do I have any chance in the panty-selling business or should I give up this dream?

Eris

Dear Panty Girl,

Reformat your letter—add a few bullet points, delete questions of doubt—and your letter could double as a business plan, you naughty entrepreneurial panty purveyor you. What could be a better business endeavor than wearing the silky, sexy panties you love anyway, then packing them off to grateful panty boys who will worship your scent as they pay sticky, warm tribute to you? For customer satisfaction, this beats opening a flower shop, hands down.

What separates you from so many panty sellers, Eris, is that you care passionately. Your success in the panty biz has little to do with your fitness level or body shape. What matters in your proposed endeavor is what matters in all businesses: your enthusiasm, quality, and customer responsiveness. Yes, “chubby-chasers” will adore you; to reach them, trade links with sites that cater to men who love heavy women. But don’t limit your marketing to only these men.

Also, don’t assume that g-strings are the panties of choice; panty fetishists have remarkably diverse tastes in panties in terms of style, fabric, cut, and size—even specifics such as width of crotch and whether the panty has a seam up the back are important to some. In this wonderful world of panties, there’s truly a panty for every pantyboy.

As for menstrual blood...The Taoists and ancient Egyptians both supposedly added menstrual blood to their red wine to increase their spiritual power. But that was long before Hep B and C and HIV were scaring the bejesus out of people. While these pathogens can only be transmitted if your blood gets into your customers’ blood, consider it possible.

And it’s too bad, because of course some men really love that musky blood of ours. A place you might ask to promote menstruation-related written fantasies is the Museum of Menstruation www.mum.org; it’s a quirky site that tells pretty much everything one would want to know about something a lot of people don’t want to even think about.

Do you have a chance to make it as a panty provider? Oh, Eris, does the thought of a man sniffing your panties make the ones you’re wearing moisten? You bet! From a seasoned panty mistress to a budding new one, go forth. In panties, of course.

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com or writing to her at Leg Show. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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