August 2005

He’s Got More Than a Dirty Mind
Dear Jane,

I have what is considered by the general population a very disgusting fetish. It’s a fecal fetish. I have the desire to have a woman have a bowel movement on me, preferably on my face. I’ve had this fascination ever since early puberty, at least 20 years of my life (I’m 31). I enjoy the smell, the texture, the warmth, and I am completely fascinated by the whole process of watching up close as it comes out.

As you can imagine, this isn’t an easy desire to bring up with a woman. In some relationships with girlfriends they could not perform the act upon my face so they would leave their poo in the toilet to let me look at. The woman I am seeing currently is freaked out by it and wants nothing to do with it and so I don’t discuss it at all with her.

I find some satisfaction through the Internet and with pics and videos. The best site, in my opinion, is scatdomination.com. The actors in these videos are a little extreme, though, in that they’ll eat poo and smear it around. That can’t be safe . . .

As far as eating it goes, I would really have to love and know the woman. I have never played with my own feces. I do not need to think about these desires in order to get aroused but a female’s bum is my favorite sexual part of the body. I love to give oral pleasure, both anal and vaginal.

I own one or two videos and masturbate as I watch the woman’s poo come out. I am particular about what kind of poo I like. I do not like diarrhea; it’s too messy. I like them long and smooth—something a person like me would call art.

Is this a mental disorder? Am I doomed? Can this be corrected or will I eventually grow out of it?

Fecal Lover

Dear Dirty Boy,

Ahem, darling, please excuse my taking a deep breath as I collect my thoughts (although please understand when I say I won’t be taking it anywhere near your sex life).

Your desire for being defecated upon is not a mental disorder, sweet angel, but it suffers mightily as a social affliction. First, it is regarded as an extremely taboo sexual practice. Second, it is high on the “oooh-that’s-gross” scale. Let me explain the latter: A pair of shoes is not inherently unappealing to women (quite the contrary), and so when a woman meets a man who has a “thing” for her shoes it’s not much of a stretch for her to wrap her mind around the concept. But that is not the case with human waste, which almost universally provokes an “ick” response even when it’s not associated with one’s sex life.

Nothing in the world is wrong with feces-play, darling (just be sure, though, that it’s not what’s for dinner; the bacteria in it is dangerous for humans to ingest). It’s just damned difficult, as you’ve found, to find a consenting partner to enact your desires with. Even if (or when) you do find a partner, your lover may have trouble fulfilling you; many of us have an inhibition about “going” anywhere that’s not absolutely private.

The technical term for poo play is “coprophilia,” defined as sexual arousal derived from the smell or taste of feces or the sight and sound of a person defecating. Other terms for this pleasure are “brown showers” and “scat.” Some coprophiliacs engage in coprophagia, the eating of feces. Yours is not, but sometimes coprophilia is connected with infantilism.

Coprophilia might result from having developed a fixation at the anal stage of development. The theory here is that beginning in the second year of life the child derives sexual pleasure from expulsion, retention, or observation of the feces. If psychosexual development gets fixated at this stage, the individual will experience special gratification from activities associated with the anal region such as elimination, anal masturbation and anal intercourse.

It’s funny how a taboo that’s utterly condemned by one society or in a given age might be commonplace in another society or in another time. The famed sexologist John Money notes that some female animals keep their infants’ bottoms clean by licking them. He writes in his book “Love and Love Sickness” that at one time in Bali, small dogs licked the human babies clean. When a Balinese mother carried her baby on her thigh in a cloth hammock slung from her shoulders, she was accompanied by her pet dog. The dog’s duty was to provide diaper service by licking clean the baby whenever the baby soiled. He also writes that Eskimo mothers once had a custom of licking their babies clean.

Here and now, not only would the mother be put away for doing this, but the dog would be as well. Scat arouses intense social anxiety and is therefore condemned in our culture. Too bad for the moralists, because one man’s condemned activity is another’s turn-on (probably in part because it’s condemned). I found this true for myself when researching your question. As I perused the scat sites on the web, I felt uncomfortable—but also aroused—even though the notion of scat play doesn’t appeal to me. My arousal was likely a response to seeing forbidden sexual images I “shouldn’t” see—that society feels no one should see. Or think about. Most definitely we shouldn’t get off on them. Funny how those “shouldn’ts” can make us damn horny.

Anyone who’s seen an Austin Powers movie—or known (or was) a little boy—knows bathroom humor. I used it myself when talking about coprophilia with a colleague; I realized later that I used humor to relieve my stress of discomfort in talking about poo at all, let alone as a turn-on. An example of humor I’d run across was a site that asks viewers to guess whether the items photographed are “snack or scat.” It’s gross . . . but it’s also sort of funny.

When we’re not cracking jokes, we’re busy packing off a person with tastes for sex that make us squirm to a shrink for psychological help. If you do seek therapy, dirty boy, please look for a psychologist who specializes in paraphilias. In “talk therapy” you may be able to dig around into your inner-infant’s psyche and glean insight into the events that caused your desires (not that this insight will do much in helping you get rid of them).

Sometimes treatment is not talk-oriented but behavioral. The goal of behavioral therapy is to disrupt behavior patterns. For example, each urge you have to be erotically shit upon might be met with an electric shock to decrease your desire for that.

The goal of both types of therapy is to help a person find “acceptable” means of sexual behavior. Excuse me, but I find the idea of anyone defining “acceptable” sexual outlets for other people who aren’t hurting anyone with their sex lives a bunch of crap (I did say excuse me).

Therapy focused on self-acceptance of a consensually enacted sexual preference is more helpful, I believe, than therapy that is determined to change a sexual preference that “people” regard as horrible or sick. You are not weird or sick, sweetheart, and you “should” not be different than you are or have different fantasies than you have.

Having said that, precious doll, I do encourage you to explore areas of your sexuality where you might find additional pleasures as well as be more likely to find a partner. My hunch is that a man who likes to be a woman’s toilet might find dominance and submission satisfying . . . you, clearly, being the sub.

The bottom line is that fetishes cannot be cured or outgrown; they can only be managed. What you fantasize about or look at while jerking off is not socially acceptable, but then these days less and less is. You’re just a naughty boy who lives further along the continuum of “unacceptable fantasies” that all fetishists reside along.

I’ve come to believe that the sex life of a fetishist is more luscious than that of vanilla people—it has more variety, more props, and provides more options to lube our imagination. It’s brainy sex. It can feel like an affliction, but in research I’ve conducted no one has told me he’d give his up even if he could. The site smnews.com eloquently writes that “the imagination of a fetishist seems to revel in the unique aspects [and] in the distinctive sounds and scents and sights of particular parts of the body.” It uses as examples the sniffing of a lover’s jock strap, sucking the crotch of well-worn panties, and licking our beloved’s dirty feet. Each of these behaviors plays with natural human excretions . . . carried to the outer edge of the spectrum is your fascination with your lover’s waste. It’s not common but it’s damn primal.

He Wants a Smoky Blow Job
Dear Jane,

I’ve had a smoking fetish since I was a kid. My wife and I have been married for 12 years. I love her very much and she is a great lover. She is a nonsmoker. I have discussed my fetish with her many times, but she says she cannot bring herself to smoke for me, even if it is just a couple of drags.

My excitement comes from having my lover blow smoke on my penis. I love for her to dangle the cigarette between her lips while she talks to me, so I can watch the cigarette bounce and bob between her lips. I love for her to talk to me about smoking and the effect it has on me.

My favorite type of sex is missionary, but I also love doggy-style and anal. One of my favorite things is to enter her from behind and watch her smoke in a mirror and for her to say things like, “I’m getting fucked from behind while I’m smoking a cigarette.”

A fantasy of mine is to go with my lover out to a movie. She whispers that she is going to smoke for me later that night. When we get home, she kneels in front of me and starts masturbating me. Then she lights a cigarette and starts blowing smoke on my penis. Then she lies on the bed and dangles the cigarette from her lips while we have sex. She says things to me like, “Does my smoking turn you on?” and “I love smoking for you.” Then I cum on her face while she leaves the cigarette in her mouth and I watch her finish her cigarette with cum all over her face.

A co-worker of mine who smokes and is very attractive says she would be very happy to indulge me in my fetish. My desire to watch a sexy lady smoke while we are having sex is becoming more difficult to resist every day. What should I do? I have always been faithful to my beautiful wife and I want to continue to be faithful. I only wish she were more understanding of my needs; I do my best to take care of hers. Every time I see my co-worker smoke it drives me crazy. So here I am: She says she would love to do the things I need while my wife won’t even try.

Also I would like to know if you are a smoker. You are extremely beautiful and would look great smoking a cigarette.

Wants a Smoker

Dear Playing With Fire,

I know the magnetic draw of a sexual desire. I understand the temptation of a woman who tells you that she wants to give you exactly what you want and feel you must have. I know it hurts not to rush to the arms of your smoky seductress.

The appeal of women holding a cigarette is the appeal of female power. I came of age when it was still acceptable to smoke—but only the tough girls lit up, not shy girls like me. Today when I see a beautiful woman smoking, I can’t help but regard her as powerful—and that’s sexy. Then there’s the phallic symbolism of the cigarette itself. I can see how you’d find a symbol of a hard cock dangling from beautiful red lips sexy. It’s heady oral eroticism.

You’re not the only one who knows this power. After a lackluster start in Hollywood, Bette Davis started smoking to create sex appeal. It worked. She made movie magic in Now Voyager when she and her co-star decide that it would be wrong to consummate their love for one another. Instead, in a scene as fecund as if they were in bed together, he lights up two cigarettes at once, amorously hands one to her, and together they smoke.

But back to reality. Darling, despite the imagined pleasures, I advise strongly against giving in to the woman at work unless you don’t mind seeing your marriage go up in smoke. Being with your co-worker is a short-term fix—with a long-term consequence if your beloved wife leaves you. Besides that, even if your wife never finds out, how does fooling around help you out at home? You still have the same problem—a wife you love but who is unresponsive to your desires—with the added concern of trying to keep your smoky trysts a secret. All the while feeling guilty.

Even if the sex with Virginia Slim is fantastic, she’s destructive if she’s attempting to pull a married man away from his wife. This woman smells like more than an ashtray, sweetheart; she smells like trouble.

I am curious about how you’ve approached your wife and what her concerns are with indulging you. Is she against smoking for health reasons? Or does she think your level of kink is just too perverted for her to tolerate?

If it’s the former, perhaps she’d be willing, during sex, just to affect the attitude you want while simply holding a lit cigarette and saying the things you want to hear. Once she loosens up, she might be willing to dangle the lit cigarette between her lips. Over time she might continue making incremental steps toward giving you all that you want. She could probably pass an entire evening of sex taking no more than half a dozen drags (without inhaling).

If the problem is the latter—that she finds what you want disturbingly perverted—you might want to look the big picture of your marriage. WHY does she find what you want unacceptable? What does she think it says about you and about your marriage that you want her to smoke during sex?

Maybe your wife doesn’t know that, in sex, there are flavors other than vanilla. Maybe she doesn’t know, even, that sex can be playful. You might bring her into your little kink gently by showing her some fun. For example, take her to one of those fantastic hot tub places that has beautifully appointed private rooms . . . these are made for couples looking for a little spice.

If your wife knew that your desires were pulling you away from her and toward another woman, I think she’d reconsider her resistance. However, if you spoke frankly with her about this, not only she, but you, too, would have to contemplate whether your fantasies must be fulfilled at any cost.

You asked whether I smoke. I’ve actually never taken a single puff. At least not in my waking state. When I dream, though, I’m an expressive and passionate smoker. With your inspiration, perhaps tonight as I sleep my lover will get blown just how he likes . . . In turn, sweet baby, I hope all your smoky dreams come true.

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com or writing to her at Leg Show. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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