April 2006

Secrets: Our Agony and Our Ecstasy
Hello Darlings,

There’s an expression in Twelve Step programs, “You’re as sick as your secrets.”

I think we’re as guilty as them. And the bigger the secrets, the bigger the guilt. Occasional masturbation at work: little guilt. Filching our wife’s pantyhose from the hamper: medium guilt. Sneaking off to the glory hole and sidling our hard dick up against another guy’s: big guilt.

Any size, guilt creates problems because, while it may change our behavior, it won’t change our sexual psyche. No matter what we do to squelch them, our secrets hoard our fantasies, nag our minds when we don’t want them to, and make us horny as all get-out. Anybody who’s been in their grip knows that the tsunami of our secrets can’t be held back...unheeded, they swell until finally we take matters into our own hands to get some relief and fantasize like the dickens until it’s over. Then—it happens immediately—the guilt starts back up.

Guilt helps us integrate into our conventional world. It helps us tow the line . . . we buy our wife lingerie when we desperately want carnal knowledge of it ourselves; we try not to stare too lasciviously at women’s feet with perfect arches we want wrapped around our sex; we make love with women when what we want is a stiff cock up our bums.

In a perfect Jane World, we’d allow expression of our (consensual) sexual desires. Even if we couldn’t let ourselves to go so far as to act on them, we’d at least permit our fantasies to flow and own and accept them as part of who we are.

Then again, who’s to say Jane World is the best place to hang out? For some, once exposed and permitted and celebrated, secrets lose their erotic power. It’s precisely because they’re secrets that they’re sexy. It’s the secrecy that provides the extra mind-blowing inch to our dicks.

“Happy Wanker,” below, wrote with a benign but eloquently posed question that veiled his secrets. Just like the fantasies that inspired the question, his self-revelations grew during our correspondence. Happy came to a place where he could admit and even act on his desires. And for that I’d say “bully for him” except that it’s ever so much easier, not to mention free of risk, to write to a stranger. E-mail is the new confessional.

Still, given that he’s never told anyone at all about his secret sex life, “Happy” does break down some walls. Some.

These things take time.

Dear Jane,

Hello my name is James and I love jacking off. I know it’s normal to do, but I do it all the time. I have even done it with other guys, while watching a porn movie. Is it odd that I feel comfortable enough to masturbate with other guys? This is even something that I enjoy.

Happy Wanker

Dear Happy Boy,

No, sweetheart, it is not odd that you like jerking off with other guys while watching porn. Let me ask you a few questions, though. Were you watching the porn...or were you watching the other guys? You say you enjoyed it ...was it the group wank that you liked, or was it watching the other guys as they pulled on their dicks that turned you on? What were the circumstances when it happened—was liquor involved, did it happen after a sports event, at a bachelor or frat party, or what? And masturbating...how often is “all the time?”

Why do I have the feeling you’re asking me if I think you’re gay? Which I don’t, based on this question. You can be straight and fantasize about all sorts of things . . .it doesn’t mean anything, really. We all exist on a continuum somewhere between 100% straight and 100% gay . . .In other words, most of us have a bit of “bi” in us. Doesn’t mean we want to act on it, but we might like to think about it. Then again, maybe you do want to act on it . . .

I’m sorry to get into the gay stuff if that’s not the question behind the question. The bottom-line answer to your stated question is that it’s not weird that you like to masturbate with other men. Since you seem to care what I think, I say it beats watching football.

Dear Jane,

Thank you for responding to my letter. I will try to answer all your questions. My excitement comes from watching both the girls in the movie and the guys jerking off, as well as having men watching me jerking off. I’m only 30 years old and can get a girl if I wanted. They are just sooo much trouble. So I just stay alone and jerk off.

There is something else you should know (that I’ve never told anyone). I was actually at an adult theater when watching the porn. That is where I jack off with other guys. I have even been in a private booth with another man, watching a movie and stroking our dicks. I have done this a few times and more than a couple of times have had large amounts of cum splash on me. I don’t care as long as I get my nut. What do you think about this? Should I continue this type of behavior or just stay home and jack off?

I usually jerk off 2-4 times daily. Sometimes I stroke it for an hour before I let myself cum. I get the impression from you that you want me to jerk off with other guys. Is this what you want me to do?

Darling,

It’s not that I want you to jerk off with other guys, sweetheart . . . but if it’s what you want to do, consider doing it. Sounds sexy to me, but to each his own. If you care what others think, take a poll. The majority would strongly advise you stay home and not even think about porn theaters.

I’m actually not clear what the turn-on is, exactly. Is it watching other guys do their deed? Or is it them watching you? There is some compelling reason you’d want to be there together—presumably it’s because you like watching each other. Or you like it when another guy’s cum splashes on you. Or something! What is it?

How often do you go to porn theaters? And what do you do for a living? Just curious...it appears you have a lot of time to masturbate. (Must be nice...)

Hello, Jane,

Wow, It’s really nice to have someone return my e-mail. I guess I’m kinda lonely and that explains my actions. Going to an adult bookstore is nice because I am accepted there. I have a very attractive cock. It’s 7 inches long and thick. I like to shave it bald. When I go to these theatres all the men want me.

I have to tell you that when a guy shoots on me its not usually an accident. This is planned, as I am on my knees or sitting in a chair, with my shirt pulled up and my pants pulled down. I have had some pretty impressive loads shot onto me, even on my face. I like it like this.

All this behavior started five years ago as I was sitting in a theater watching a porno and jerking off. A man sat next to me. In the past I had always discouraged this from taking place...but on that particular evening I thought “what the hell” and I let him touch me. I came within a few seconds of him stroking my dick. I felt kinda guilty about doing this, but I went back for more.

I have been in private booths jacking off where there are holes cut into the wall called “glory holes.” I want to try using a glory hole but am just not sure. What do you think? Should I do it?

Have you ever watched a guy suck another guy? I would like it if you were to tell me what I should do next. Kinda like you were ordering me to do it, because after all, you are the doctor.

Darling,

Glad to hear, sweetheart, that I can help out both your guilt and your sex life.

Listen. If you want to experiment with your sexuality, do it! Do glory holes, let five guys grapple with your gorgeous seven inches through the hole, get down on your knees if they tell you to, and do everything else you’re dying to try. Just, please, do it consensually and safely (that means no cum in your eyes, mouth, or ass).

Excuse me; I don’t mean to be flip. Let me put it this way: If you’re committed to living your current fantasies and can respect yourself in the morning, then give your pretty cock a fresh shave and venture out . . . you have nothing to lose but that big load in your scrotum.

You want me to give you permission and absolution both. I’d love to, but I’m no priest. I advocate acknowledging your fantasies and living them out both, but not at any emotional and psychological cost. In other words, consider not just the route to feeling good, but feeling good about yourself. Don’t live life just following around your dick.

Hi Jane,

I’ve decided I’m going to do it. Tonight I am going to an adult bookstore and sticking my hard dick into a glory hole. I’m excited already. How did you know I was dying to try this, and that I just needed some encouragement from a woman? I didn’t jack off at all yesterday so my dick will be really hard and my balls will be full of cum.

Anyway, I sit here with my pants pulled down reading your letter.

One time I let two guys cum on me at once. A black guy and a white guy both shot onto my chest. I was completely naked. It was hot. I have even let a guy cum on my dick before. Now you tell me, Jane. I’m going to let YOU decide where I should take my next load.

Something I would like to try is rubbing my seven-inch dick up against another big dick. Would you like to see this and do you want me to do it?

Darling,

I see. Pants are down, you say. Looks like we’ve passed the whole needing-advice thing and we’ve moved on to sex by e-mail. Opening up secrets can do that to a guy.

As the quintessential emblem of male power and desire, I find almost anything done with that mighty engine between men’s legs exciting. Especially when submission is involved, such as one cumming on the other, as you’ve described. But that’s me. I wish you could rub your cock against another guy’s for yourself and not “for” anyone else.

Since you identify as heterosexual, I can understand why you like the idea of a hard dick through a glory hole. Through the anonymous opening in the wall you feel you’re getting just cock, not the whole guy. A good way to avoid the awkwardness of having to deal with your self-concept.

How’d it go at the glory hole last night, angel?

Hello Jane,

I went to the adult bookstore last night and had a good time. I experienced my first glory hole because I wanted to do what you told me to do. It was nice. He sucked me and I sucked him. He came first and he got it in my mouth. Then it was my turn and I shot a huge load into that glory hole. Then I just left. It was really cool. The hole was about five inches in diameter, so we could fit two dicks next to each other at the same time if we wanted to but I didn’t try because I didn’t know whether you wanted me to try that.

I have a confession to make. I have never had anal sex with another man but I have come close. One time I was at a theater and this guy wanted to have sex with me. I told him no, but if he wanted to he could cum on me. I asked him to stick the head of his dick against my asshole because I wanted to know what it was like. We both were very hard. It’s funny the things you will do when you are turned on. I never imagined I would ever do anything like this, but when you’re so damn horny sometimes things just happen. Well, he began to touch my asshole with the head of his dick and it felt good. He was behind me and I was on all fours. I told him not to put it in but just tease me. He began to push a little against my asshole. My hole opened up and he began to move his dick as if he was trying to get inside me. Of course I couldn’t see it but I could feel the head of his dick and it was going inside of me. At first I didn’t do anything. I just kept rocking back onto his dick. Then I came to my senses and just stood up and jacked off. He jacked off too.

You hit the nail on the head when you said that I’m just into cocks and not the whole gay thing. I’m sure I will have another experience at the glory hole.

Well, Jane, you’re gonna get what you want. I like cum shot on me, as you know, and the idea of having cum shot onto my ass is very sexy. I probably won’t do it through the glory hole. I will try to get together with someone and come back to my apartment. Do you want him to shoot onto my asshole or onto my ass cheek?

Darling,

Where should he shoot it? Hmmm. . .Since you’re so eager to do everything I tell you, please deposit a large sum of money into my bank account. . .then I’ll tell you precisely where.

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com or writing to her at Leg Show. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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