May 2006

Her Sub’s a Schmuck
Dear Jane,

I’ve been perusing your site in an effort to learn more about submissive men, ever since my long-distance boyfriend revealed to me that he’s into legs, six-inch heels, garters, seamed stockings, piercings, water play, and being dominated. Whew...believe it or not, it’s taken 18 months for him to reveal all this to me!

I’ve never encountered anyone into this stuff before but I consider myself open-minded and want to explore with him.

Since we live an ocean apart, we only recently had a chance to incorporate some of these fetishes into our sex life. Along with the necessary accoutrements, I’ve also gotten pierced… overall, I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and research and am intrigued by this side of sex.

So I gave the mistress role a try, and...it was mediocre. I myself was turned on, but it was a first try, so my performance from his point of view wasn’t spectacular. I am a novice, after all. It felt a bit stiff and forced, but I thought it was a good beginning. I believe that good sex builds on itself.

The problem is that my boyfriend harps on the fact that it was only so-so. He’s harshly criticized my attempts and now is even threatening to leave me because I wasn’t the dom of his dreams this first time around.

Frankly, I am shocked. I would have thought he’d be appreciative of my being so open and that I’m providing a safe outlet for him to share his fantasies so that we can grow together in this realm. But I guess not.

Is there such a thing as a dominant sub? I think he wants to control me into dominating him. But it doesn’t work like that, does it?

Are submissive men usually verbally abusive to their dom outside the bedroom, or is this all part of the game? Help! Your thoughts would be much appreciated. Tell me, does this sound like a man who’s really submissive?

ConfUSED

Dear Used,

When you negotiate a tricky activity such as going camping, erecting a Christmas tree, or exploring new realms of sex, you quickly learn what kind of man you have on your hands. You find out how gung-ho he is, how much he pitches in, and whether his disposition is sweet or sour. You find that when it comes to sex, some submissive men are wonderful. And some are creeps.

If you had sent him a box of homemade cookies, surely he’d say thanks, even if they weren’t precisely the ones he dreamed of getting. And you, sweet girl, gave this guy a treat far sweeter than baked goods: you opened your heart and mind to him and gave of yourself in a realm you had little experience and low comfort level. His being such an ungrateful oaf about the encounter may indicate he cannot accept his sexual desires, even when they’re wrapped in stockings and garters. Or perhaps he’s so immature that he prefers his perfect fantasy life to having a real, sometimes flawed, one.

You ask whether there’s such a thing as a dominant sub. Yes, it’s called “topping from the bottom.” However, in his disrespect, ingratitude and cruelty your guy is abusing from the bottom. Is his verbal abuse “part of the game?” Of course not. Basic human kindness is part of a good relationship irrespective of the sub-dom—or any—dynamic. Does he sound like he’s “really submissive?” Yes, he does. He also sounds like a jerk.

Leave this guy across the ocean and look closer to home for the sub of your dreams. Your ideal mate is out there, special lady, and waiting to treat you like the queen you are.

Foreskin Fun With Mom
Dear Jane,

I have foreskin and masturbate differently than men without it. I am embarrassed that I have foreskin as I think it makes my penis look unattractive. At the same time, I get excited by the humiliation, especially when it’s done at the hands of older women.

I am 29 years old and live in Canada. I was adopted when I was three years old; my skin is brown and my mother’s is white. Last year my mom and dad divorced, so it was just my mom and me living together (she works as a cashier). Our family had never been open about sex and have never seen each other naked.

When I was a child, if I was caught playing with myself, they would “spank” my penis. They also tugged at my foreskin saying that this bit of skin was the reason I was so naughty.

So all my life, I’ve been embarrassed by my uncut cock. Women in my life have flicked my foreskin back and forth because it was so easy to grab. I don’t understand why something that embarrasses and humiliates me also turns me on.

One day last year, for the first time, I broached the subject of sex with my mom. I asked her if she ever masturbated. She said no. I asked her if she was angry that I asked. She said no. I asked her why I wasn’t circumcised. She said I came that way when I was adopted. She confessed that she was embarrassed about my penis; she said that as a child I enjoyed exposing it to her friends.

I told my mom I wanted her opinion on what she thought of my penis with the foreskin now that I was an adult. She said I should see a doctor if I had concerns about my penis. I said I would be more comfortable with her. Trembling, I asked if I could show her . . . and I pulled my penis out. She seemed okay about seeing it. I pulled the foreskin back to demonstrate what I might look like if it were circumcised. I told her about a site on the Internet www.circlist.com/preferences/feelcut.html that gives a way to temporarily allow me to feel and look circumcised without actually getting cut. She agreed to help me with the taping required.

The instructions on the site called for me to be at least partially erect, but I was nervous about getting hard in front of my mother. Seeing my dilemma, she slapped my penis back and forth and tauntingly said, “My little boy is embarrassed to show mommy his little willy.” She said she has always thought penises were funny looking but hasn’t played with mine since I was a boy. She said she knew I liked this because it was getting me hard. I asked if she was enjoying it, too. She said she was entertained, but not excited as I might think.

She asked if I would be willing to do something for her but that I didn’t have to if I didn’t want. She wanted me to jump up and down for her. I said I would if she would kiss it. I jumped up and down and wiggled side to side. My penis flopped around; she was obviously amused. Although she didn’t kiss it, she did admit that she played around with it when I was very young because it used to make me so happy . . .She asked me if I thought this was wrong. She clarified that the difference between what she did and a child molester is that the child in this case initiated it and the mother only teased her boy to the stage the child was ready for. She explained that she did it in a loving, nurturing way. She reminded me that dad gave me the belt when he caught me spying on her undressing. She said she knew that I was only curious how a female body looked and wanted to allow me to see hers, so she could explain the different parts. I said that I still didn’t know exactly how women pee!

My mom helped me with the circumcision experiment and said I looked more manly this way. Feeling naughty and exposed, I decided to tell my mom all my secrets: how I masturbated and that I walk around nude sometimes. She even videotaped me masturbating so I could see what I look like while I stroke myself.

I hope you agree, Jane, that having an open relationship is a good thing. Is there anything disturbing or unhealthy about being this way with my mom, or by my being aroused by her? I want her to be sexually happy because I love her so much. I don’t want to fuck my mom, but I do want to make her feel good by giving her a full-body massage and playing with her to orgasm. I have inquired about taking a Tantra massage course with my mother as my partner, but was told by instructors it was inappropriate.

I adore my mother because no one has ever seen me in the humiliating positions I am sometimes in when masturbating, except her. Because she doesn’t disapprove, I don’t feel deviant or bad about it. I don’t know if she gets aroused like me. She sometimes says I should stop being so naughty. Recently, I asked if I was making her uncomfortable; she said it wasn’t as thrilling for her as I probably think it is, but did admit it was fun to see me embarrassed when she toys with my penis. Eventually, I will get a girlfriend. However, there is probably no need to confess this relationship with my mom to future girlfriends.

Jane, can you shed some light on why I would want to be humiliated as opposed to admired? Why do I get excited about exhibiting something I am so embarrassed about?

Uncut

Dear Uncut,

You answered your own questions in your letter, sweetheart. You are sexually aroused by exposing your uncircumcised penis because you’ve been raised to be. If a mother is afraid of the water, often times her child will be, too, and therefore be unable to learn to swim. Your mother was both disgusted and aroused by her adopted son’s exotic, uncut member as well as embarrassed by it when he exposed it to her friends . . .and—bingo—so is her baby boy disgusted and aroused by the same things.

You’re also turned on by virtue of the fact that a woman (any woman) is playing your favorite games with you. She’s erotically humiliating you by taunting you about the very things that turn you on. It sounds as though your past girlfriends gave you a taste of this as well when they flicked the foreskin that mortifies you so. Your mom tops those girlfriends, though, because she’s also invited you to share your secrets with her, making herself your closest sexual confidant.

Last, you’re aroused because you’re playing in the realm of the forbidden. Incest is taboo; taboos can be potent aphrodisiacs.

Your mother may be lonely since her divorce but it’s likely she’ll want a man her own age at some point. Who knows what her agenda was when you were a little tyke, but just to clarify things, she did molest her son. Yes, you enjoyed the sensations of being played with, but sex play between an adult and a youngster is never, ever consensual and is therefore wrong. Also, she tied you to her in ways that prevent your growth into adulthood.

You like the safety of fantasizing about and occasionally being teased by mom instead of taking a risk with a woman your own age. I am not passing judgment on your relationship with your mother but I do think you ought to come to the relationship as a grown up man and not a 29-year-old with a 15-year old’s temperament. It’s not your fault, but you suffer from a severe case of arrested development. Make steps toward growing up: Move out of mom’s house, support yourself financially, date women you might have a future with, and, overall, get a life that involves keeping your pants zipped up around mom. Once you are self-sufficient, if you still feel that an intimate relationship with your mother is vital for your personal happiness and self-actualization, at least you’ll have the perspective of a grown-up to make such a decision.

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com or writing to her at Leg Show. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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