June 2006

Larry by Day, He’s Lestat at Night
Dear Jane,

I have an unusual and misunderstood fetish: a neck fetish, specifically a fetish for the veins that run through a woman’s neck. I don’t have a fetish for actual blood (the sight of blood outside the body makes me sick), but inside the body, blood represents life and knowing it’s coursing through her veins is exciting to me. I am 46 years old and a loving and compassionate person, with no history or intentions of ever hurting anyone. I’ve had this fascination with women’s necks since puberty. I only admitted it (even to myself) in October of 2004. You’ve addressed so many different fetishes; have you seen one like mine?

Inside my mind, I have created the perfect sexual fantasy of being a vampire. There are people, not many, who have fetishes for women’s Adams apples, long necks, necks with rings, and, my favorite, necks showing some veins. Every female neck is different, each with its own unique pattern of veins. For example, there’s the beautiful jugular, with shapes ranging from I to V to Y to even W. Then there are the anterior veins up front, and the smaller network of veins that might cross the trachea—all beautiful.

The challenge is to notice all the different patterns in a woman’s neck without being spotted. Most guys have it for breasts; breasts do very little for me. But if a female tosses her head back or does anything that causes her neck veins to show, I get turned on. If she knows this, she can tease the heck out of me. If she lets her head fall back and upside down over the edge of a bed, which adds pressure and brings out more veins, not to mention a healthy blood rush to her face, I go crazy. Nothing else can touch it.

When you combine this neck vein fetish with the vampire within (which could be a fetish itself), it really hits the switch for me. If I ever go to the dark side of myself and become a creature of the night, I would be a vampire of the most romantic type.

My vampire alter ego leads me to a bloodlust where even the red face from a woman’s blush turns me on, as do her heart beat, warmth, and energy. Of course, I don’t need female blood to live—and I could never hurt so much as a bug. In my fantasy world, my women are willing victims. My vampire is not a monster or a killer, but a lover (have you seen the movie “Emmanuelle vs. Dracula”?). My vampire bites during lovemaking, his lover’s initial fear arouses her, then there’s moaning and holding and feeding as the vampire drinks from her...She takes her sexy vampire into her...she’s warm and soft and loves him. . .

Have you ever heard of anything like this, Jane? Where does something like this come from? I’m really a nice guy, maybe a bit shy and sensitive. I think maybe for too long my shyness repressed my sexual feelings and my strong sex drive needed to search for other outlets. I’ve always had these fantasies, but as I get older I’m not as shy about them. I finally told my wife all this and she—yawned. I’m happy with my desires; in fact, they really jump-start my sex drive.

I wonder why, in the days of the geisha, a peek at a woman’s neck drove men crazy, but not now. I am clearly from that time, and also a little from the old Transylvania times, too! What do you think, Jane?

Larry

Dear Lestat,

What do I think? I think I wouldn’t let you make love to me unless you wore a black satin cape and talked with a funny accent.

The origin of any fetish can’t be known in any definitive way, honey. Your explanation is as good as any—although I also wonder how many vampire movies you saw when you were a kid.

I’ve always found vampires sexy. What man expresses so much passion? That I may be left bloodless and dead in the wake of his lust is irrelevant—and, actually, that’s sexy, too, because it’s symbolic of being so ravaged—given so many mind-blowing orgasms—that she’s left, literally, drained.

You make an interesting point about geishas. That which is not commonly seen is often eroticized. Such as the neck of a geisha. In Western culture, necks are commonplace and hence not special to most men.

You’re actually one man I wouldn’t mind meeting in a dark alley, sweetheart. As long as you’re wearing that cape . . .

This Little Guy Has a Big Problem
Dear Jane,

I’m getting married this summer to a wonderful woman. My problem is that fully erect my penis is only four inches. Will this interfere with my wedding night? What will my new bride think when she sees my small penis? What are the long-term considerations of marriage to a man with a small dick?

Tiny

Little Man,

Are you a virgin, dear heart? Or have you never had sex with the woman you’re going to marry? Or have you had sex, but she doesn’t remember the intercourse part of it...oooh, sorry, doll, I couldn’t resist. But heed the point I’m making: your insecurity, not your lack of size, will be a target if you don’t relax already.

Your penis, darling, won’t win you any underwear ad contracts, but is in the statistical range of “normal.” (By the way, most men exaggerate their dimensions.) Also, if you’re overweight, your penis is victim of fat-overflow over the shaft and therefore appears smaller than it otherwise would.

The size of your penis unquestionably will interfere with your wedding night...if you’re so uptight about it that you think of nothing else that night but your dick. Why not focus on your bride instead?

What will the new bride think? Well, if you don’t have the smallest clue as to how to please a woman, then she’ll think plenty, none of it good, but none of it about your penis. On the other hand, if you use your tongue as though you’ve got the world’s best popsicle in your mouth and if you make love to your bride with the passion of Valentino, and if she loves you and you love her, then size won’t be an issue and a good time will be had by all.

Long-term? Only on TV shows do women end relationships solely because of penis size. For, in the grand scheme of life, honey, four inches is a problem of itty-bitty proportions.

Can a Lifelong Masturbator Find Happiness With a Woman?
Dear Jane,

I am a 39-year-old social phobic man, who is a virgin. I have been masturbating to pictures of sexy women since age 11. I feel I have missed out on something great sexually. Question: Is masturbation more intense as far as sheer sexual pleasure is concerned, in comparison with copulation?

Horny

Dear Heartrending,

Meaningful relationships don’t exist with the photographs you gaze upon while stroking yourself, despite Oscar Wilde’s conviction that to love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance. But in terms of sheer orgasmic sensation, masturbation can be more intense for some men than orgasm through intercourse. This happens to men who choke their penises so hard while stroking that they’re unable to get enough friction through intercourse to get off.

Also—again, in terms of sensation exclusive of any other aspect of sex—masturbation can be more powerful for a man who requires particular fantasies in order to get and stay erect and orgasm. I have a friend who was married to a man who had to be “forced” to wear her high heels and be locked out of the house, begging to be let in, in order to become aroused enough to perform. My friend refused to indulge her husband in this way (they are now divorced); he told me that he has more powerful sex with himself (and his pile of shoes on the bed), that at least he can get hard and cum.

A woman is occasionally quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation, though; don’t you want to live some of your life cuddling and laughing (and having sex) with a woman who treasures you? If so, please summon the courage to visit a therapist who can help you overcome your social phobia. Take your recovery a day at a time and be patient with yourself. It’s tough even for confident men to connect with women. But, like most things hard-won, a good woman is worth the trouble. I’d love to hear from you again, sweet angel, when you’ve found a girlfriend who exists in all three dimensions.

His Love of Her Shoes...Stinks
Dear Jane,

I’m a 19-year-old man with a huge lust for women’s shoes (very high heels). Any opportunity I get to put my penis inside a woman’s shoe and cum I will take. I just can’t help it!

My girlfriend wears the sexiest shoes and every chance I get I cum inside them. I really want to tell my girlfriend about my love for women’s shoes but I don’t know how to tell her! Is she going to be freaked out, or do you think she might be open-minded? Tell me, Jane, am I just a weirdo?

Obsessed Man

Dear Obtuse Man,

Darling, she knows. The commingling aromas of worn leather, sweaty feet, and day-old cum reeks like a politician’s promises. You’re lucky your girlfriend hasn’t apprehended you for infringement and packed you off to shoe jail (where you’ll be denied shoes for five to ten).

It’s not that there’s anything wrong with your desire to have sex with well-worn stilettos, darling. (Some sexologists claim that sticking your penis in the dark, warm cavity of a woman’s well-worn shoe is analogous to diving into the dark recesses of a woman’s sex.)

It’s odious, though, to violate someone’s shoes without permission. Not only that, but you’re also robbing your girlfriend of knowing something sexy about you that she could use to tease and torment you, making your shoe sex a new adventure for her and a potent, if pungent, turn-on for you both.

It’s time to give your girl a little sugar, honey. Replace every pair of shoes you’ve defiled with beautiful new shoes that you haven’t gotten your spermy little hands on. Present them to her with an apology and explanation. At this point, you’ll find out how open her mind is, doll.

Should He Or Shouldn’t He?
Dear Jane,

I was in a bar where the barmaid was a young college student. She was beautiful, self-assured, personable, and had a dynamite figure. At one point, she bent over to reach for a bottle on a bottom shelf and her skirt rode up, exposing her panties...and I immediately looked away.

I was uncomfortable leering at this pretty girl. I felt embarrassed for her and ashamed of myself for having looked at all. She wasn’t teasing me; her display wasn’t part of any game she was playing. It was an accident.

If I’d been in a strip club at the bar and an equally attractive woman did that, I probably would have tipped her generously. But the dynamic here was different.

When I related this occurrence to male friends, they look at me as though something was wrong with me...like, why didn’t I look?? I just wonder what you think, Jane.

Should I Have Looked?

Dear Shouldn’t,

What I think is that you’re a decent guy. Looking when a woman is teasing you is completely different from leering at her at her expense. In the former case, you’re being invited to share in a little mutually enjoyable erotic exchange; in the latter, you’re taking advantage of an unfortunate situation and, hence, violating her boundaries—and her.

This brings up two areas in which men are often clueless. The first is in the concept of tease. A woman is not teasing you if she’s not intending to tease you. Men often mistake a little skin for an open invitation. A woman in a mini-skirt walks by and a man, in his flawed and overly simplistic reasoning, assumes, “She’s asking for it.” Or, amusingly, he figures “She wants it.” And, most laughable, “She wants ME.” Wrong. The woman is wearing a short skirt. Period. It’s a hot day. Or she’s proud of her beautiful legs. Or or or.

So how do you know if a woman IS teasing you? You know because she signals you with a combination of clues. In the case of the barmaid: if she had caught and held your eyes as she bent down and revealed her panties, you know that she finds you attractive and wants to have a little erotic exchange that will titillate both of you. That’s a tease. You have two clues: Eye contact plus revelation of a bit of lingerie.

Got the difference? Okay. Here’s a little quiz. In the case of a woman wearing a mini-skirt, if, when she walks by you she drops something—say, a hankie—then waits a split second for you to pick it up for her, is teasing you? Is she waiting for you to volley back with a clever quip? You have two clues—her short skirt and her unspoken invitation to pick up her hankie. Is she inviting you to cross that invisible boundary that separates the sexes?

No! In this case, you need a third clue. First of all, you need to examine the way she behaves in her short skirt. Is she walking in a way that lets you know she feels fun loving and sexy? Or is she mortified and embarrassed by the skirt, which she didn’t realize had shrunk at the dry cleaners. Second, did she drop her hankie “on purpose?” That is, did she glance your way just before the drop? Or did she catch your eyes as you straightened up to give the article back to her? The clues are subtle but unmistakable. And, in this case, you need more than two clues to know the woman’s intention.

There’s so much confusion when it comes to sexual signals that we should all be required to take a course before heading out into the scary and confusing world of dating. No one can dispute that love is tricky because men and women belong to different sexes.

Your friends are pigs, darling. Your mom raised you right.

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com or writing to her at Leg Show. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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