July 2006

That Bitch! She Loved Him Then Dumped Him
Dear Jane,

For a woman who espouses the virtues of tease, can you tell me when a tease is more than just an innocent expression of interest and more like a malicious attempt to break balls?

I’m 48; I have a personal profile posted online. Five weeks ago, I received an e-mail from a woman who joined the online service, she told me later, for the sole reason of meeting me. She said I was one of only a few profiles she saw that was worth pursuing.

And pursue me she did. For our first meeting, she asked me to attend a ballet performance in which she was performing at a nearby college. She said she was confident that I would like the show and that I would like her.

The performance was excellent. She was stunning as a dancer. After the show, she greeted me in black leotards with a warm hug and thank-you for attending the show. We discussed plans to get together. The ensuing week involved long conversations on the phone. We talked about her painful divorce six months ago from a guy she said was hyper-critical, my attitudes toward sex, even discussions about ladies’ underwear. She wanted to know if I was a “tit man,” volunteering that her bra size was 36D.

We agreed to meet at a restaurant near her home. Once again, she looked lovely when she arrived. Our conversation flowed beautifully during dinner as we talked about family, careers, and, yes, sex. Just after dinner, she extended her stockinged foot under the table and began to stroke my thigh. I reached under to greet her foot and noticed how strong her feet and calves were. She told me with a devilish grin that strength was necessary...for ballet.

She then stood up and waltzed off to the ladies room asking me if I “kissed on the first date.” When she returned, she stood by my chair and fell into my arms. We kissed passionately inside a secluded area of the restaurant and then later in her SUV. I was trying my best to be a gentleman when she directed my hands to caress her breasts. “I could do this all night,” she told me.

After awhile she said she had to go home, that she was leaving town the next day for Chicago to visit relatives. She said she’d be home in one week. When I got home that night, she had already sent me an e-mail saying the spark she felt with me was “like those Christmas lights that sear bright, then dim and brighten again.” She said the feeling she had with me was “torturous, but beautiful, to experience.”

Naturally, I was anxious for the week to go by so we could get together again.

I’m still waiting. It’s been four weeks. Several attempts at contacting her during the three weeks she supposedly has been back have been fruitless. The e-mails I’ve sent her have bounced back. When I call, her message machine is full.

She sucked me in and lopped my head off, didn’t she, Jane? I know all is fair in love and war, but really, this was just brutal. What happened? I really need your commentary (solace?) on this one.

Tortured by a Tease

Dear Dodged a Bullet,

Did you ever see a cable movie from the early ’80s called White Dog? Kristy McNichol plays a woman who, as she drives through the LA hills at night, hits a dog with her car. She takes the injured darling to a vet, then home to be her pet. Turns out the dog that she thinks so sweet is actually a beast that is trained to kill. It goes for the jugular of pretty much everyone in the movie from that point on—kind of the way your pit bull of a girlfriend went for your nuts.

Tease is powerful. Like any power, it can be used for good or evil. Please know, darling, that most women who tease are soft and feminine; their goal is to mutually affirm, not to leave you bloodied. I’m sorry you got a baddie.

Why did she love and leave? Perhaps while she was in Chicago she reunited with an old flame and felt she needed to end your sweet, budding love because it conflicted her too terribly to love two men. I doubt she joined a nunnery, but you never know. Perhaps she hurled herself off the Sears Tower. My hunch, though—call me cynical—is that she had to go through some sick ritual to validate her appeal and hurt men in order to “heal” from her recent divorce. (She characterizes her ex as hypercritical; I wonder what he has to say about her.)

Thinking up reasonable explanations to wholly unreasonable behavior, of course, can make you crazy. When I go through pain like yours—I’ve been bludgeoned in love as well (who hasn’t?)—in addition to cursing and crying I try to heed the wise counsel of the four agreements, from the book of the same name. The first two alone might help mend your fractured heart. The first is, “Don’t make assumptions.” Sweet angel, we don’t know what happened. She could be tending her dying grandmother for all we know. (I don’t think she is tending her dying grandmother...but I’ll try to accept the principle behind the agreement.) The second agreement is, “Don’t take it personally.” You just happened to be in her path, my ravaged darling. Could have been someone else. Unfortunately for you, it wasn’t.

If your ballerina resurfaces, listen to what she has to say (then check it out to make sure she’s telling you the truth). Only you can decide whether she’s worth the trouble at that point. After all, no matter what her excuse, she could have phoned a man she had “torturous but beautiful” feelings toward. On the other hand, if she cavalierly waltzes back into your life, remember that malicious animals, of any species, can never truly change their nature. In that case, darling, have faith that with time you’ll be able to open your heart to a new woman. And when you do, love your new lady as though you’ve never been hurt.

Suspicious Minds Want to Know
Jane,

May I ask you what YOUR turn-on is? And what porn do you like, if any? Every time I read your column, I wonder if you’re for real. I mean, not as a woman—I can see plainly enough that you are every inch a woman! I mean as someone speaking to and even encouraging people who are offbeat or kinky or perverted—whatever you want to call it. Are you really so open-minded, or do you pretend to be for the sake of your column in Leg Show? I don’t know women like you (or like you represent yourself being). If you are for real, then wouldn’t there be other women as well who are like you? Of course, in answering my question, you could be phony, I guess. I would appreciate an honest answer, though.

Wondering Fan

Dear Fan,

I’m not going to try to sell you on my authenticity, sweetheart. So much phoniness exists in this world that I’m not surprised you wonder. “Heavens no,” the actress says about her lips that are the size of her feet, “I would never use collagen.” You’re probably wise to be suspicious.

Funny, what turns us on. Even within one person, the variation can be great. I, for instance, find gay male sexuality a huge turn-on. I can’t do too much about it in my personal life, of course, but when I see visuals of this (or receive a letter from a man describing his experience with another man), I am aroused. I also often find she-males sexy. It’s sexy to me when a woman lifts up her skirt and—surprise! I don’t see a lot of (or any) gay or she-male sex live, so these comprise the pornography I like. I’ve never had a partner, however, who cared to watch either.

Among the many things I love to DO, my most favorite thing is erotic humiliation of a man who loves it, craves it, and admits to me that he needs it. Erotic humiliation does for my sex what a glass of great cabernet does for a meal: makes it way better. I like, too, how well it dovetails with a man’s particular fetish, if he has one. Teasing a lover about his fetish is often itself erotically humiliating. I don’t care about intercourse, much, as an activity by itself (although I’m not complaining about the many wonderful times I’ve had it). It’s just that, for me, the trip of the mind is what I like best. It’s intense, satisfying, and I relish taking the lead role.

Something as personal as erotic humiliation inspires both parties to talk about their fantasies, which itself is arousing, because it whets the appetite for what may happen, in some manner, at some point in time. I also like that it can’t happen in a vacuum. To conjure up an experience that’s delicious enough to think about the next day (or next year), both parties need to be honest. Erotic humiliation taps into our psychology and our need; it comes from a deep and creative place. That’s why smart people are very often kinky...

My issue with intercourse is that it’s almost always boringly straightforward. I love it with my own partner, but only after a good deal of erotic humiliation, maybe days of it. “Just intercourse” can happen without words, without sharing anything but a male part and a female part, and it can happen between any two people—no brain, no cerebral connection required. Too often it takes place between two bodies instead of two minds. How often does a woman lie there like a splayed salmon on a brunch table wondering whether her thighs look fat while her lover is thinking that he could just as well have stuck his penis into a silicon pussy? Doing the latter would at least save him the bother of whispering romantic post-coital nothings such as “I’ll go get you a washcloth.”

I’ve never been promiscuous, never cared to have a one-night stand. Getting naked with men I don’t really know is about as appealing as a case of genital herpes. For me, hooking up isn’t about relieving horniness. I’m not knocking orgasm, just saying that mine are more intense when fantasies are lived out with a partner who is on the same wavelength. It’s not everybody’s cup of tea, what I like, but damn if I haven’t had great sex in my life.

I think it’s easier for women to walk on the wild side than it is for men, although having said that I know how rare a bird she is who knows or understands the dynamic of most sexual kink (which explains why you’re having a tough time finding a partner). Also, in our male-centric sexual world, it’s not easy for a man who desires it to admit he wants to be erotically humiliated by a woman. People come to the term—the few who’ve even heard it—with the mistaken preconception that erotic humiliation is about a (weak) man’s desire to be debased. That’s dead wrong. But that’s not your question, sweet Fan. You want to know what turns me on (one of my favorite subjects, by the way). Turning a worthy lover inside out using the power of my mind (an arched eyebrow helps, too). That’s my ultimate turn-on. Yum. Believe it or not.

Does His Shaved Scrotum Take Away from his Masculinity?
Dear Jane,

I’m a Capricorn, born in 1965, and a consultant in the insurance industry. I have a few questions: Is there anything wrong with a guy who likes to shop for sheer pantyhose, crotches panties, push-up bas, stilettos, skimpy garterbelts, seamed stockings, and high heels for himself? What about using a butt plug? I recently got a slim, fairly small butt plug and lubed up my ass one night and slipped that little baby home and had the orgasm of my life. It was so intense I shot off for like two minutes. The great thing is that while wearing hose the plug is held in my ass so my hands are free. I’ll never forget it. One other question, Jane. Last week I shaved my scrotum for the first time. What a feeling to be hair-free! Do you find that sexy on a guy or does it take from his masculinity?

All Man

My Darling,

No, nothing’s wrong with shopping for women’s underwear, even if you intend to dress your dog in it. Shop ’til you drop, babe. Then, since it’s not for your dog, go home and suit up. Slip your “little baby” “home,” then put on your sheer pantyhose, push-up bra, crotchless panties, and high heels. Just take care that the woman you present yourself to knows you well and is aware your predilection. For if you don’t, the woman laying her eyes upon you will have judged your masculinity long before she discovers your hairless balls.

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com or writing to her at Leg Show. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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