August 2006

Dear Ms. Jane,

I wrote you some time ago asking for your advice. You told me what I needed to hear and I abided by your suggestions with excellent results. I have a strong desire to be dominated; you recommended I find a dominant woman who truly enjoys lovingly but firmly taking control of me. You advised I not pick the first young thing I find, but rather find an understanding woman, possibly a more mature woman. It took awhile, but I did succeed. (I have to admit she’s somewhat ample.) But she encourages me and is very supportive.

Now here arises the problem. She has this desire—or better yet, demand—that I be dressed like a woman and then “used” by a man. She wants to dress me up (which I love), then suck cock and get fucked.

I don’t know if I can do this, Jane. I don’t want her to be angry with me, or worse, leave me. To be honest, this activity has come up in our play. She uses her dildo on me and she can see what a big turn-on it is for me. I just don’t know about an actual man, though. Would he be clean and safe? Would it be kept a secret? Should I do this to please my mistress, for she is the one in charge...Help! What should I do?

Your Servant

P.S. I am not gay.

My Darling Servant,

No, baby, don’t do it.  A good dominant respects a sub’s limits and having a real man in the fantasy is clearly beyond your limit, at least right now and perhaps ever. I don’t doubt that she’s coming from a place of caring. But just because you like dildo penetration doesn’t mean you want a real live dick inside you; neither does your fantasy appear to include all the rest of the guy attached to it.

Maybe your dom believes that you have an unacknowledged fantasy to be “used” by a real man because of the scenario you play with her; perhaps she’s doing wants-dildo-in-bottom = wants-real-man-in-bottom math. My sense is that your turn-on has nothing to do with your desire to be with a man, but rather the erotic humiliation of being ordered to dress like a slut, get down on your knees to “suck it,” then, once it’s slick and wet with your saliva, getting pummeled out of your mind. (I find it interesting that acting out behavior that women have had to endure for centuries—submitting to men for men’s use—can be the pinnacle of turn-on for some guys.) You may also love it because it feels really good to have something pumping hard against the erogenous zone that is your prostate and stuffing your anal canal full.

You need to let your mistress know that this activity transgresses your limits. When you tell her this, it’s okay if she’s playfully mad, but if she’s actually mad, don’t see her anymore!  The games you play are for YOU, not for her. Everything she does with you must be consensual, even if in fantasy it’s shrouded in the notion that you’re being “forced.” Will she leave you? Of course not. You see, darling, at its core this relationship is a fair, equitable business exchange: You get your sexual needs met and she gets money.

Even as you are being controlled, you need to be very well taken care of, treasured even. After all, you’re giving this woman your very most vulnerable self. You also need to feel excited to go see her for your next visit, not panicked that she’s going to be actually displeased with you (unless it’s playfully displeased, which, as I’ve indicated is far different and just part of the fun).

A good dominant intuits when it’s time to challenge a sub’s limits. She knows him well enough to understand that when he says no he means yes. But that takes knowing a sub very, very well indeed and having a relationship of absolute trust. Even then, challenging limits should be done in baby steps.

This is the first dominatrix you’ve hired. As with other large purchases, buying a car and so on, it’s advisable to shop around. I know how difficult it is to extricate oneself from a relationship; I have trouble doing so even at the gym when I want to leave one personal trainer for another. However, if you are turned off by her size and feel she doesn’t respect your limits, look around. Don’t get too hung up on age; sensitivity is the trademark of the best doms. The sensitivity to know when her client is ecstatic even as he protests—and when he’s actually just plain miserable.

Thanks for placing trust in me, sweetheart. I really care what happens.  Let me know, okay?

He’s So Happy He’s Not Supersized
Dear Jane,

Please help me! I’m not sure if I’m strange or not, but I masturbate (compulsively at that) thinking about women ridiculing me for the small size of my cock. My favorite jerk-off material is of women teasing men by stroking their pinkies, making the JO sign, etc. I’m also hopelessly addicted to jerking off to pictures of women stroking/sucking/measuring very large cocks.  I can’t help but think I’m a bit abnormal. Am I?

I found a “tool” on humiliatrix.com that helps us size-challenged guys see where we fit in. I’ve attached a picture of me using it. Hope you don’t mind. I’m 37, six feet tall, and 210 pounds.

I’ve actually had many lovers (more than 50). None of them ever said anything about my inadequacy. I did have one little hottie 15 years ago who called me her “jerk-off boy” after giving her a little masturbation show. For a conservative nurse she was pretty wild . . . .

Unfortunately, I haven’t seen other sites where beautiful women measure cocks with rulers. Humiliatrix.com is the only one...and it keeps me stroking.

I really do value your insight. You are a very bright, very beautiful lady. I realize I’m pretty odd; anyway, I suspect there aren’t hundreds of thousands of guys out here with these little-cock fantasies.

Jane, I fantasize that you are my sexy sexy sex therapist, hired to help me cure my masturbatory addiction. Yet, you wickedly tease me into even more frequent sessions of stroking my little cock between my thumb and forefinger for my little squirts. What is your opinion of a guy like me who got shorted in life but enjoys it?

Affectionately—and Pathetically—Yours

Dear Mr. Peanut,

Oh, my, yes, I see what you mean. . . .The photo of your miniature crotch rocket next to the humiliatrix site’s ruler is just millimeters past the “peepster” mark but doesn’t quite live up to “shrimp” status. So, little guy, you like those photos of women stroking their pinkies in mockery of small penises? No, you’re not “abnormal” darling. It’s cool . . . as long as you’re not hurting anyone else. And really . . . can a man with a dinky dick be a threat to anyone?

No one knows whether “hundreds of thousands” of men share your predilection. Since Kinsey’s research didn’t encompass small-dickness, we’ll never know. The fact that humiliatrix.com exists (and has for a long time) indicates that there are plenty of men who want to be teased as you do.

You possess a sense of inverted pride in being an itty, bitty guy who obsessively confirms his shortcomings. It’s the embarrassment and teasing, not your size per se, that gets you off. In this sense, you are in a large company of men who also love erotic humiliation.

So what’s the problem, Smallzilla? You dig your sorry excuse for a penis, baby; be man enough to own your turn-on. There could be an issue with masturbating “obsessively,” however. Or in feeding your “addiction” to sites that show off dicks that could be used in building demolition. If you’re late for work because you’re masturbating your little guy to hardness to see that—yep, the ruler says you still aren’t even a shrimp—put both sticks away and get to work! Penis humiliation doesn’t pay the rent, you know.

Actually, I like cute little things. I drive a Mini Cooper, whose billboard in San Francisco reads, “Little is better.” My Mini is sure tiny, but it’s a zippy little thing...and that’s what counts, right?

His Naughty Childhood Antics Kick-Start His Libido
Dear Jane,

As a young teen, I’d sneak peeks at my mother and older sister dress and undress. Watching them rolling their sheer stockings up their long, shapely legs or taking them off was truly a turn-on. I once even had the experience of peeking at my mother getting passionately fucked by her boyfriend.

When home alone, I’d sneak into my mom’s bedroom and get into her worn high heels. She had about 20 pairs of shoes, of various colors and styles and I sampled all of them. I loved to kiss, smell, and lick the insides of her high heels. Of course, these sessions always ended up in masturbation, sometimes into the shoe itself.

My fantasies always revolved around my getting caught by my mother, then being humiliated verbally, then forced to kiss and smell her warm, sweaty, nylon-clad feet and high heels.

My fantasies progressed to where she would require me to sexually pleasure her and even order me to suck her pussy after being fucked by her boyfriend and clean up the “sloppy seconds.” Jane, to this day I jerk off to this fantasy and have even thought about it while having sex with my wife.

Does this kinky taboo make me sick in the mind? What are your thoughts of this most unusual fantasy?

Mother’s Naughty Boy

Dear Naughty Boy,

You think your fantasy is “most unusual,” but to me it is simply part of men’s lives inside their heads. Just because we don’t talk about these things with other parents at our kids’ soccer practice doesn’t mean your fantasy is “sick in the mind” or isn’t shared by other men. Because we guard our fantasies and almost never share the core of what really turns us on, we tend to have a distorted view of how eroticism works. The secrecy naturally leads us to doubt the normalcy of our own fantasies because they don’t match what we’re “supposed” to be turned on to.

Having talked with fetishists for nearly 15 years, I believe our fantasies are born of fragments and pieces from childhood events and concerns. They’re a bit of theater that brings us sexually alive for the effect they have. Jack Morin, author of The Erotic Impulse, backs me up on this. “The erotic equation predicts that the hottest sexual experiences usually won’t be the sanitized affairs most of us were taught to idealize. On the contrary, starting very early in our lives, we weave into our experiences of arousal aspects of living that involve overcoming obstacles. As we each develop a unique, internal blueprint for excitement, we build into it the personal struggles, conflicts, and risks facing us at the time. Converting the messy uncertainties of life into the triumph of sexual excitement IS the erotic experience.

“Sexual arousal, whether it involves romance or pure lust, is highest when there is a tension between the attraction and barriers standing in the way. Attraction + obstacles = excitement. The obstacles necessary for high excitement may be external or internal, conscious or unconscious.”

To keep all of us in line and uphold “standards” in a community, societies put limits and restrictions on sexual behavior. You, for instance, “should” be perfectly content and plenty aroused by focusing on the beauty of and love you have for your wife. But, ironically, an unintended consequence of society’s restrictions on what we should think and what we should feel is that the it’s often the taboos, not the shoulds, that turn us on.

Is there a more momentous restriction than sex with one’s mother? As a kid, you must have been terrified of getting caught taking peeks at mom getting dressed or hiding in the shadows of her closet with your nose in her shoe furtively unzipping your pants to take a growing concern in hand. In Mr. Morin’s equation, you married attraction (of shoes) with obstacles (getting caught) to generate excitement. The lingering feelings of feeling dirty, naughty, guilty, or afraid of punishment—all current obstacles—have taken on tremendous erotic energy today when you make love with your wife.

Besides the arousal you glean from your fantasies, you might also appreciate that, as Mr. Morin writes, “directing our attention to the inner world of the erotic can also be an adventure in self-discovery.” Next time you’re in the throes of passion, my guilty darling, appreciate for a nanosecond that this incredible sexual experience you’re having is touching the very essence of who you are. As many of us believe, knowledge of self is one step on our path toward greater spirituality. Okay, I can hear you from here; now you’re worried that enlightenment will put the kibosh on those exquisite erotic feelings. Not to worry, sweetheart. Nothing will dampen the sexual juice your fantasies provide; you earned that long ago in your mother’s closet; it’s yours to keep and to savor.

A Note to All: I receive a lot of mail from you precious darlings. Please know that I read (and appreciate) everything you send me, even if I fail to respond to you promptly or include your letter in this column. I thank you for continuing to trust me with the part of yourselves that is most private. (There you go again, thinking dirty thoughts ... I’m talking about the private part of your brain, bad boy!)

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com or writing to her at Leg Show. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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