October 2006

Do Women Really Have the Upper Hand? Oh, Baby, You Bet!
Hello Jane,

I have a dilemma about women (amazing how the words “dilemma” and “women” so often belong together): Can women can tell when a guy lusts after them, even if the guy never makes overt comments to them or asks them out on a date?

The reason I bring this up is that I work at a retail store with a number of female co-workers. I would never do anything stupid (like ask them out or make sexual comments) even though I find them desirable. I don’t stare at them from a distance or act like a stalker. However, I am quite sure that they pick up my “vibe” of desiring them. They don’t avoid me or anything, but when we chat during our work breaks, they tend to mention their boyfriend. Still, I think they enjoy knowing that a man other than their boyfriend finds them hot. But getting back to the point of my question: women know when they have a guy under their spell, correct?

If I’m right, Jane, do women ever fantasize about what it would be like with the guy/co-worker in a sexual fantasy? God knows how often I’ve fantasized about taking one them into a women’s fitting room and indulging in some seriously sweaty sex sessions.

Maybe Too Young to Know

Dear Never Too Young,

Women have amazing intuition and, yes, even before noticing the drooling tongue hanging out of his mouth, can generally tell when a man lusts after them. We human beings are hard-wired for this part of the mating dance. Men pursue, women choose. And as you’ve seen, pursuing needn’t be obvious to be noticed by women.

I have a question for you, darling. Is it lack of experience that inspired your comment that you don’t do anything “stupid” such as making sexual comments or asking women on dates? Young boy, please understand that there is a huge difference between remarking on a co-worker’s very fine ass and asking her to accompany you to the movies. The former is sexual harassment; the latter is just a guy letting a girl know he wants to spend time with her.

If you’re reticent to ask for dates, shy guy, there are other ways you can indicate interest. Smile at women, look them in the eye (not chest, or lower) when you talk with them, take a genuine interest in what they have to say, and be courteous. With all the jerks women encounter—those men who act like monkeys showing off to ensure absolutely, positively that a woman notices them—just being nice is a good place to start your pursuit of a woman. If she’s interested, she’ll give a cue back to you—she’ll linger when you two talk, fiddle with her hair, or blush, for instance.

And, yes, fantasy isn’t the province of men only, sweetheart. Women DO fantasize about sexual situations, including being “taken” in the dressing room by sweet young co-workers just like you.

He’s a Cock-Sucker-Wannabe
Dear Jane,

Since I first saw you in Leg Show I’ve worshipped you. Only you will completely understand my needs and desires.

I’m talking about sucking dick. This is just something I want to do: be on my knees as my co-conspirator looks down at me and commands, “Suck it, boy!” Just one time. I’ve talked about it, written about it, and let people know how much I want to do it. But I’ve yet given myself the pleasure of eating cock, despite the fact that I recently turned 52 and have wanted to do this for decades. One thing that holds me back is the reputation I’d get if I did this; a bad rep might be too much to bear.

Jane, where can I go to freely express my oral fantasies? And do it without getting myself or other guys in trouble? What would my reputation become? The excitement of a fat penis like my own in my mouth is overwhelming.

I don’t believe I’m gay; I just need some control (be put in my place)...Just once in my life!

Needs It

Dear Hungry Boy,

Darling, get your horny hiney to the local adult bookstore that has glory holes in its back area, rent a booth, drop to your knees, and wait for a big, delicious dick to emerge. As difficult as it may be to believe, you’re not the only man who identifies as straight but wants to eat or be eaten by other men.

Please practice safe sex, sweetheart. You may not find a condom sexy, but neither would you a case of herpes (or worse).

As for reputation, unless you’re the minister in the local church, you have little to worry about. The guys whose delights you’ll be enjoying at your tryst will be as anxious about discretion as you. If you live in a tiny town, visit a bookstore in a larger one (do this especially if you are the minister).

I see a nice hard penis in your mouth in your future, bad boy. And I see it happening before your 53rd birthday. But I don’t see it happening, despite what you tell yourself, “just once.”

He’s Had It With Erotic Humiliation
Dear Ms. Vargas,

I am no longer interested in being humiliated by a woman. I must have been stupid. You can keep it. I like myself too much.

Had It

Dear Had,

I’m not here to control what you think.  But I do wish to address your misconception about erotic humiliation.

Erotic humiliation is a sexual power dynamic of dominance and submission that reaches deep emotionally and psychologically to increase arousal between consenting lovers who get a charge from it. It usually involves embarrassing and teasing in ways that are specific to individuals—there is no “one size fits all” in erotic humiliation—and for this reason, it’s important to know and trust the lover with whom we share these deep and largely misunderstood desires.

It’s difficult to accept in oneself because, as you seem to be experiencing, on its surface the behaviors and language involved in erotic humiliation appear to be demeaning; you may feel shame for even wanting it. But, like so much of our arousal, its root is in our childhoods when we may have been sternly disciplined or perhaps caught in the act for some naughty deed and then ridiculed. How the erotic connection occurs when this happens is a mystery. One boy gets spanked as a child and learns his lesson; another gets spanked—and aroused—and looks for more mischief.

I myself love to dish out erotic humiliation; I love the power as well as crawling inside the very rich place that is my lover’s head. I also know the thrill of being on the receiving end. Many years ago, at my first corporate job, I was dressed down by one of the partners in the firm I worked with. As he stared steely-eyed across his big desk at me, furious with me, I squirmed in my seat, completely baffled by my erotic response to his verbal lashing. I was the “naughty little girl” and he the powerful father figure.

The forms erotic humiliation take vary hugely. Some men are intensely aroused when they are teased about having a small penis. While another man would be furious and hurt—and not sexually aroused in the slightest if a woman intimated that the size of his penis was small—the man who wants this kind of attention is aroused by teasing accusations of being “less” than other men or inadequate as a lover. Sometimes, men who find this sort of teasing exciting actually have penises of average size...it’s not about the actual size of his penis, but rather the psychological effect of the teasing.

In my business, I’ve found that nearly all fetishists want to be erotically humiliated, either verbally or physically (and usually both). For instance, some men who want to be cross-dressed are using being “forced” to dress in women’s clothing as a conduit to being teased about what a “slutty girl” he is or “what a big pussy stick” he has, etc. He perhaps wants to be “forced” to lift up his skirt to show his lover how his panties fit; she might caress his crotch and remark what a big pussy he has or make him pull down the front of his panties to show off. In fact, for the men who crave this sort of sex play, the erotic charge from the cross-dressing comes from the teasing, not the clothing per se.

Sometimes, the charge comes from a range of activities that makes a lover feel “less than”—and, hence, aroused—such as being peed upon; “forced” to hump his lady’s leg for sexual release, denied ejaculation through tease and denial, put into a dog collar...etc etc.

Women (including all of us at X-traordinary Talk!) who engage in these erotic activities with their willing lovers do not erotically humiliate men because they don’t like men or because these adventurous men don’t like themselves. We do it because to do so provides both parties with a connection of minds and passions the likes of which is not found in any other area of sexuality. A trust and a bond are both necessary in order to engage in this type of closeness...and, likewise, engaging in such intimate sharing, increases trust and bonding between two people.

I wish you all good luck, sweet darling.  Write me anytime, if you wish to discuss this further. Also—you weren’t and aren’t stupid, sweetheart. Sexuality is complicated and confusing, particularly when it’s our own we’re puzzling over.

Is It Wrong to Bend Over for Another Woman?
Dear Jane,

I’m 33 years old, good-looking, and in shape. My wife and I have been married five years. I’m generally happy in my marriage, but the sex department is only so-so. I started playing around with wearing panties 5 to 8 years ago. I also enjoy wearing bras, stockings—anything girly. My wife knows I like to wear women’s panties, but she does not like it and so I don’t wear them around her or let her know when I’m wearing them. She does not want to do anything kinky.

I tried tampons up my bum and liked it...This has led to a great curiosity about experiencing a woman wearing a strap-on. Basically, I want to be dressed as a girl and teased and played with until I lose control. It really changes me when I put on a pair of panties. It’s so cute wearing pink or white panties with bows and ruffles.

I found a local pro dom on the Internet; she’s older than I am. She will dress me up and use a dildo on me. This has me very excited but I have one problem. If I decide to go see this woman, would this be considered cheating? There would not be any sexual contact except for the dildo. It has been on my mind for weeks now. Please help.

Confused Panty Wearer,

Darling Panty Boy,

Only you can decide whether paying a woman for a sexual service (and don’t kid yourself...it’s sex) is “cheating.” Ask yourself whether a moral boundary you hold dear being transgressed. Will you feel so guilty about having seen the professional dominant that it won’t have been worth the experience? Or will you finally feel relief, satisfaction, and live a happier life because you took control of your private needs?

I know without a doubt that sexual fantasies are usually so compelling that they do not go away...ever (see the letter above from the man who’s been wanting to have a man’s cock in his mouth “for decades”). In my opinion, fantasies either need to be enacted or another compelling activity needs to be substituted for them. The latter’s a tall order, though...I mean, how captivating can fly fishing or parachuting out of airplanes possibly be, compared with one’s sexual fantasies?

To me, morality doesn’t play an enormous role in this decision.  To me, paying someone for a sexual service is cheating, but it’s cheating I myself find acceptable. You are not giving of yourself emotionally to another woman (although you may be giving yourself emotionally to the fantasy) and you are enacting a scenario you are certain your wife won’t entertain (well, are you certain she won’t?). I myself would hope that if my partner knew (knew absolutely) he could not be intimate way with me in a particular way that he would go to another woman—in a paid capacity—to fulfill the desire.  But that’s me.  And I’m more open-minded than your wife may be. As I said, only you can make the determination of whether the act transgresses your moral boundaries.  I can’t give permission; only your psyche can do that.

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com or writing to her at Leg Show. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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