November 2006

Dear Jane,

I’ve been having a problem with my cock now for quite some time and so far am not really getting anywhere with it. It’s not something I can easily talk to other people about.

I’ll start from the beginning so that you can build a picture about what I mean. I’m 23 now and have been masturbating for quite some time. Because of how long I’ve been masturbating I found that my turn-ons didn’t seem to really turn me on as they used to. For example, sexy pictures of women has lost its appeal; now I’ve discovered tease and denial and love the idea that a women takes control of my naughty habit and tells me what I can and cannot do and when and how. Love to be controlled and given permission and guidance by a women and the knowing of being watched by her or being in a woman’s presence (only cyber so far). I’m no longer a chronic masturbator because of the tease and denial I’m doing with an on-line Mistress.

The trouble is that I am almost always at least partially erect and when I’m erect I produce a lot of precum. I avoid wearing light-colored trousers so that damp patches can’t be seen from the outside. Sometimes—at “peak times”—I have to wipe it off because I can feel the dampness in my panties and feel a drip down my leg. I am erect a lot of the time...I think this has a bearing on my enormous production of precum.

To stop the precum, I’ve tried putting my cock facing down into my pants so that I can’t get an erection. But that can be trouble. Two days ago I was about 80 percent erect with my cock facing downwards; I forgot about it but when I got up out of a chair, my cock bent the wrong way and it hurt so bad. My mum was there and asked what was wrong. I said I got a cramp in my foot.

On two occasions I woke up, went to the bathroom and when I tried to take my underwear off but my precum had glued my penis to my undies. I pulled it off my underwear and the pain was sharp, the tip went red like peeling cellotape from a soft spot. I know these seem like silly things but they are, to me, a big problem. Like even now as I write you, I can feel the sliminess of the precum in my undies rubbing against my cock. When I pull my undies away from my stomach, I literally see the precum everywhere, strings all over the place. I thought I should maybe take a picture to show you but then thought it maybe a little too much for you to see. If you’d like, though, I’d gladly take one and show you the extent of the difficulty.

Precumer

Darling Boy,

Okay, okay, you’ve convinced me of the dire need of medical science to stop AIDS research and get working on a cure for prolific precum. If you’d given me one more example of the hardships you face I would have burst into tears.

Sorry, doll. I don’t mean to mock; I understand your leakage is, for you, a big problem. You’re not the only one who has it, by the way; see message boards on the Internet to read other tales of woe, such as one man’s condom-slippage problem that requires him to replace condoms up to five times each time he has sex. Precum is secreted from a small gland called Cowper’s. You might want to see a urologist to make sure you’re not leaking urine from your bladder when you’re aroused.

Likely, though, you’re just a copious producer of precum, the amount of which any man produces dependent upon heredity, health, level of sexual arousal, and how long it’s been since last ejaculation.

Precum has two purposes. First, it neutralizes any acids from urine that may remain in the urethra, paving the way for sperm to pass safety at ejaculation and, second, it lubricates the end of the penis to prepare it for sexual penetration. Uncircumcised men have the advantage of foreskin, which collects and holds the fluid efficiently until it is retracted at penetration.

There’s no way to “fix” your leaky faucet, Precumer. Tucking your penis downward is painful and embarrassing, but not effective. Dark slacks are a good idea...and a little “light days” menstrual pad may help during those times you’re really gushing. Ejaculating regularly may help, but it won’t cure your problem. And, anyway, now that you’ve given yourself over to a cyber-mistress you have to chalk up the geyser in your pants as part and parcel of being under her thumb.

He’s Not Getting the Sex He Wants and Isn’t Going to Tolerate It Anymore
Hi, Jane,

I am 44, my wife is 47, and we are somewhat different when it comes to sexuality. I am a complete submissive, cross-dressing wannabe sissy who would like nothing more than to get a large strap-on gently and lovingly rammed up my ass, while my wife, who is going through menopause, tells me anytime I want sex, just climb on and get it over with. This is very generous of her as I know guys who can’t get sex with their wives regardless!

We’ve been married for five years and, having repressed my desires for so long now, I guess they’ve reached “critical mass” and need to be dealt with. While she accepts my kinks, she doesn’t seem to want to indulge me in them. She asks me if acting them out would make me happy and of course I reply yes! She “forced” her strap-on into my mouth once and that really got me going. Unfortunately, it hasn’t happened again, even though I told her how much I liked it and wanted to try it again. But then there never seems to be any follow through. I really need for her to take charge and get things moving.

I am VERY frustrated and don’t really want to go outside our marriage but am feeling compelled to do so. It’s not even the orgasm, it is the role playing I so deeply desire. She even has a very hard time talking dirty which would be very helpful to me...if she’d just try. I love to wear lingerie and gowns and pantyhose to bed, however I now feel ashamed about my kinks and won’t do it.

I dress up when she is gone with our daughter and I masturbate myself. I feel pathetic about my situation and feel ashamed about having to ask or talk about it anymore with my wife. She knows how I feel and what I want, but just doesn’t seem to really want to follow through. I left all of my other girlfriends over the years because they weren’t interested in my style of sex.

She claims little interest in being intimate with me as we are having relationship difficulties that we are seeing a marriage counselor about. I don’t want to go outside my marriage. I want my wife to be the sex partner I desire. The problem is that we have a five-year-old daughter and I don’t want to break up our marriage over the sexual issues, but they are very important to me. Please Jane, I love them both very much but I don’t know what to do.

Hi doll,

You believe that you and your wife have a sex problem; I’m pretty sure your wife thinks you two have a relationship problem. She likely doesn’t care to be intimate with you not so much because you wish to role play but because of broader issues in your marriage (only one of which may be her inability to understand or appreciate your need and desire to role play). Men often make the mistake of believing that “if only she’d have sex with me the relationship would be fine.” Women are wired differently. We have good sex with our partner IF the relationship is good already. In other words, for most women, sex is a reflection of the relationship overall.

Having said this, I hear your pain loud and clear and I feel for you. You’re frustrated beyond all reason, hungry, and poised to take matters in your own hands one way or another. From the tone of your letter, it’s not a matter of “if” but when ... and how ... where ... and with whom. While you’re busy planning and plotting and getting your wardrobe together, please also consider at what cost and risk. Before you do anything, sweetheart, ask, first, Does your wife truly know the intensity of your feelings ... does she realize that you’re thinking of leaving the marriage over your need for sexual gratification? You’re approaching the level of crisis and she needs to know the ferocity of your feelings.

Second: Consider and weigh all costs here ... You have every right to be precisely the sexual person you are. There is NO shame in wanting what you want! There is no “normal” in sexuality...each of us has a bit of something outside of the conventional. However, you have seen in your life how damned difficult it is to find a partner to participate in your kink. If you leave your wife and daughter over this, there likely won’t be a dominatrix waiting outside for you (unless she’s on the meter).

Lest you misunderstand me, I am NOT advocating that you “stuff” your sexual desires. That can’t happen, even if you wanted it to. What I am suggesting is that you continue therapy with your wife and HEAR her issues with your relationship. Work with her. Respect the place she is in her life and trust that she has valuable input that will enrich your relationship at its core. The fact that she’s engaged in therapy with you indicates she wants to work toward a satisfying union with you.

During this process, be thankful that you feel safe enough in the marriage to share what you want with her. Now, help her understand your sexual desires—but don’t insist on acting them out right now—not while you two are in crisis mode and she doesn’t care to be close to you sexually.

With the help of therapy, build the relationship. Once she feels better about it—and, of course, you—she’ll be more open to you sexually. You may never get exactly the sexual dynamic you want with your wife, darling, but in her you have a good chance of finding a true, loving partner overall who loves you and your child and wants to make you both happy. If you reach this place, darling, the good, kinky sex you’ll have—and the good, kinky sex she’ll want to give—will reflect the good relationship you have.

He Feels Guilty About His Tryst With Her Thong
Dear Jane,

I live in an apartment building that has two apartments downstairs and two upstairs. A girl whom I’ve never met face to face lives next door to me upstairs. Last night, I walked into the building at 1 a.m. and saw a thong lying on the bottom stair. The laundry room is downstairs; my neighbor next door must have dropped it accidentally.

I guess my perv instinct took over (with very little hesitation I might add) and I scooped up the panties and took them into my apartment. I inspected them and tried them on and took some pictures. I masturbated while rubbing them on my penis but was careful not to cum on them.

After I had my way with them I quietly took them out at 3 a.m. and put them back on the stairs. I am ashamed but more than that I feel like a creepy, pervy loser. Why can’t I be normal?  I feel like I’m so far from ever getting laid. I’m afraid that as my sexual drought and insecurities build up I will make sex a huge deal and develop a fear of intimacy. I am not a bad looking dude and I’m in good shape but I always wait until a girl shows interest in me in an obvious manner before I think I can ask her out. What do you think? I know what I did was wrong, not to mention icky. Is there hope for me?

Perv

Dear Horny Boy,

What you did was neither wrong nor icky—nor perverted. You did what most healthy, heterosexual men would do, sweetheart, particularly a creative one who sees the possibilities that lie in a wayward thong. You seized an opportunity and made the most of it. And you were clever enough not to get caught. Good for you.  If you had a female roommate who happened to leave the door open one day when she showered, wouldn’t you glance into the bathroom as you walked by? Of course you would...you wouldn’t be able not to.

We’re all curious, doll, especially about the opposite sex. And we all get horny. Put those two together and we get, if we’re lucky like you, two full hours of panty trysting.

All you did, horny darling, was experience a woman’s femaleness via her lingerie.  I’m surprised, actually, that you didn’t keep the thong. I think the rule of Finders Keepers applies here and goodness only knows you would enjoy the panty far more than its owner ever will.

As far as waiting for women to make the first move...well, again, nothing’s wrong with you. You’re just a shy guy! I suffered terribly from shyness when I was a young woman and found that, for me, the only way to get over it is to take risks and put yourself out there and, when rejected (cuz it happens to all of us), chalking it up to, well, nothing at all...it just “wasn’t meant to be.” When it happens, know that it’s not about you, because the woman who turned you down doesn’t even know you. Like craps, love is a game of chance; you throw the dice enough times you WILL get lucky.  I myself think shy guys are the most appealing...but you’ve gotta put yourself out there a tiny bit, doll, in order to be noticed in the first place. Why don’t you start by borrowing a cup of sugar from, say, the woman next door whose panties you know carnally already?

Please remember the Night of the Thong with fondness, not with guilt and bad feelings. Most important of all, send me some of those photos you took!

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com or writing to her at Leg Show. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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