January 2007

Will His Dream Date Go Up in Smoke?
Dear Jane,

I have been writing back and forth with a “cybermistress” who is now indicating she’d like to do a real life session with me. She said she wants a sensual as well as a sexual encounter. If we do get together, it will be my first time with a lady like that. Not sure what to expect.

When I think about it, I know this would be the ultimate for me but also a little concerning given what she has written. For example: She adores smoking; she has a fetish for it. I have never smoked in my life. She says that she will suck my cock as she smokes a cigarette.

I’m not sure about how this may affect my performance. Can cigarette smoke be harmful to a cock? What if decides to take a puff and then blow it down my cock or something?

Nonsmoker

Precious boy,

Your cock’s in danger only if your mistress tries to light and smoke IT. Otherwise, unless the Surgeon General has come out with a new warning that I haven’t heard about, it’s lungs, not penises, that suffer ill effects from smoking.

As phallic as the Washington Monument, cigarettes symbolized sex appeal for decades in the movies. They’re still considered sexy by some: A friend of mine wrote me from Bangkok telling me of women in strip clubs who “smoke” cigarettes with their vaginas (definitely worth a tip, in my book).

Your mistress might tease you about blowing smoke down your shaft, but not to worry; this isn’t possible. Also, unless you let it, your performance won’t be affected; in fact, it might be enhanced by witnessing her enjoyment—or even by the warm smoke itself, who knows? I think it sounds exotic and fun.

Since you’ve never been with a mistress (or, for that matter, this woman), sweetheart, please consider other, arguably more pressing concerns: that all acts are consensual (including smoking) and whether it’s a get-together for which she’ll expect payment. Also, if you can, meet beforehand at a coffee shop to get a sense of one another before getting naked together. I hope all works out; you two have a smokin’ good time now.

To Fuck or Not to Fuck: That is the Question
Dear Jane,

I found your thoughts on conventional sex interesting. I found myself drawn back to your reply to the question, “What turns you on?” From what you are saying, you can be totally satisfied without sexual intercourse, if the mental connection is deep enough.

I myself must be connected to the woman for true intimacy to occur. That is why only once in my life have I ever hired the services of a prostitute.

I totally agree that if sex is reduced to one male part into one female part, it seems not much more than mutual masturbation. That does cure the physical demands for a while, but the hunger is not really satisfied and one is left with an empty feeling. Been there, done that, and felt I’d have been more satisfied doing it myself.

Hi, sweetheart,

Clearly, I misled you (and others who wrote me also incredulous that I “don’t care about” intercourse). For a young woman who came of age in the ’70s, intercourse was to dating what Alice B. Toklas brownies were to dessert. Ah, those were the days, the only time in modern history when sex was truly free (or so we naively thought)—free from judgment, disease, pregnancy, and condoms. Ah, but I digress...

You know how you’ll do something just because you can? Or because it’s what everyone else is doing? Well, that’s how sex (i.e., intercourse) was in my liberal college town in the ’70s; it was de rigueur to the times.

Early in my sexual life, though, I realized that I wanted more than the ol’ in-out. Without a bit of tease, dress-up, roping my lover to the bedposts, or anything else that engaged us above the neck, I didn’t care to do much below the waist.

The point I tried to make in the letter you refer to is that, for me, the most meaningful, fun, and ultimately satisfying connection occurs between people whose minds are of kindred spirit. Without it, for me, intercourse is as dull as a math text. With it, as John and Paul wrote in those freewheeling days, I ain’t got nothing but love, babe, eight days a week.

His Accidental Honesty Was Richly Rewarded
Dear Jane,

I had a recent experience that I just had to share. I was traveling on business and out shopping for the evening and happened upon a tiny lingerie shop. It was almost closing time and not crowded. The young lady working in the shop asked me if I needed any help picking out a gift or something for my wife, girlfriend or..... I interrupted her and said, “No, it’s for myself.” I really wasn’t planning on saying that...it just slipped out.

I was mortified by having said that, but as I was standing in front of the bras, she asked if I knew my size. I said no and she offered to give me a fitting. I followed her into the back and I took off my shirt and she helped me get fitted...my bust, my natural waist and my cup size. She grabbed two bras with matching panties and asked me if I wanted to try them on. I went behind the curtain—I was obviously very excited and a lot embarrassed by my excitement. It was actually okay as the panties she brought for me were Brazilian and hugged my hips and covered my excitement a bit.

She then brought in a pink baby-doll and handed it to me through the curtain and I tried that on as well. I walked out to see myself in the mirror and she had a very devilish grin on her face....which I loved.

I kept the bra and panties on underneath my clothing as I checked out. She showed me some matching garters and stockings which I could hardly refuse. I was out about $100 before I knew it.

As I was checking out, she said that when men came in she wondered if any of them were buying things for themselves; she said that based on the sizes they purchased she was often suspicious. I told her that I was under the control of a very beautiful Mistress who helps me with my feminine development. She was a bit taken aback...but intrigued; she even giggled a bit.

It was an unbelievable experience; I really didn’t intend to answer her honestly that the lingerie was for me. I may not have bought anything if I hadn’t told her, though. It was actually a fantasy I’ve had for a long time that has just been realized.

It was so amazing, Jane. I just had to share with someone and this is obviously not something that I can talk about with many people.

Lingerie Lover

Dear Sweet Guy,

If you and I hadn’t been regularly e-mailing one another for the past several years, I might not have believed that the fantasy cum true you described was true. But, via numerous e-mails, I know your sincerity and trust the veracity of your tale.

You say it was “accidental” that you told the salesgirl you were shopping for yourself, but I suspect that without your growing self-acceptance you never, ever would have admitted the truth to her. And so I congratulate you on being proactive in making your fantasy become real, sexy darling.

By telling your truth, you got riches in return that you never could have by skulking around the edges of the lingerie shop, furtively reaching out to touch especially provocative garments, never daring to make eye contact with the salesgirl.

Yep, I’ve seen you guys who do this in the lingerie stores I frequent. If every one of you stood proud and went into a little shop and simply asked to be fitted for bra and panties, there’d be a lot more happiness among you sweet guys—and bigger commission checks for the salesgirls. Yes, it’s a gamble that you’re taking; you could be thrown out of the place. But who cares? You’re in a city far from home where nobody knows you—and small shops need the business more than they need to be passing judgment.

Remember that lingerie is just fabric. Cloth. Just like your Jockeys, but way more comfy and sexy. It’s an artificial cultural construct that makes filmy fabric okay for women and coarse cotton the only acceptable fabric for men.

(I’m off my soapbox now, darlings. While your fantasy is going into a lingerie shop and shopping for what you want, mine is a world that allows this.)

Okay, Lingerie Lover, you’re not Christopher Columbus, but you are exploring new territory and, in your own way, making the world a better place. Thanks for writing.

Can This Marriage Be Saved? A Hormonal Tale
Dear Jane,

I am struggling with my own flaming sex desire vs. my wife’s waning desire. She told me if I want it, ask. When I have tried to talk to her about the “interplay” (i.e., something—anything—creative) she tells me to grow up, we are too old for “those sorts of games.” I get the idea at times that it has just become another bodily function for her. I’m really sad about that because we had a really rocking sex life for many years. What’s up with that? Hormones or is she just tired? (We’re both in our forties.)

Friend

Darling,

When a woman hits her mid- to late-forties, her hormone levels drop like an anchor. And, yes, this can have an effect on her sex drive. A simple blood test can confirm whether this is happening with your wife. But even if it is, consider also whether she’s still attracted to you. When was the last time you swept her off her feet? Are you in tip-top physical condition? Clean? Romantic? Flirtatious? A good dresser? Do you laugh when she says something clever? To get down with a man, women need inspiration; otherwise it is time-consuming and too damn messy to be worth the trouble.

The problem with making a big deal about your wife’s hormones is that your waning sex life becomes her fault. Lack of desire on one party’s part is a COUPLE issue. And in my experience, strong attraction trumps slumping hormones; do what’s necessary to get her to swoon, darling. Something like taking her to Disneyland. Laugh and play and hold hands there. Steal a kiss on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and she’ll give you a wild ride of your own later. She might even reconsider that nonsense about being too old for childish games.

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com or writing to her at Leg Show. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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