February 2007

He’s Looking for Love in a Balance Sheet
Dear Jane,

My therapist and I are addressing a sex-related question: What’s the best way for me to explore my foot and giantess fetishes? Although I have a good therapist, it made sense for me to get input from someone who specializes in human sexuality and is part of the foot fetish community. So I’m writing to ask if you’ll help me.

As I see it, there are three general ways I can explore my fetishes: 1) “romantic” relationship (marriage, longtime dating); 2) through a professional (prostitute, professional foot mistress, stripper); and 3) cyberspace. Here are the plusses and minuses I see for each:

Relationship: I would have someone willing to indulge my fetishes through role-playing strictly because she cares about me, not because she cares AND I’m paying her. It also would be an environment where I could expand my sexuality because I would want to pursue her sexual interests, too.

The trouble is, I don’t think I’m the marrying kind; I’ve no desire to raise a family, and even if I wanted to marry or get into a long-term dating situation, I don’t know if I would want a monogamous relationship. I’m used to going out in public alone; I don’t know if I could handle going to movies, restaurants, etc. with someone else.

Also, I don’t know if I can find a woman in the so-called real world who’ll accept my giantess fantasy and blend it into our sex life through role-playing. I’m less concerned about finding a woman who’s into foot fetishism, since that’s more common.

Professional: Through visiting a few strip clubs, the Internet, and watching HBO I’ve learned there are plenty of places where I can pay to indulge my fetishes. One advantage of this is that the chances of having my sexual interests accepted seems greater: Of the five strippers with whom I shared my giantess fantasy, three eagerly participated in role-playing with me (another half-heartedly tried, the other gave me a zombie-like lap dance and occasionally smiled when I talked with her). Because of that, I’ve found I can relax when I’m with a professional. I’ve also found sex workers to be more creative sexually than the women I’ve dated. Of course, I might discover women in the so-called “real world” to be just as creative if I would share my interests with them, but I doubt it.

Another big advantage is scheduling. Being a graduate student (in accounting) and teaching assistant who also works part time as a free-lance journalist and being a caregiver to my elderly widowed mother, it’s difficult to make time to date. A professional works specific shifts. I also don’t have to worry about not spending enough time with her, unlike in a regular relationship.

I like the quality of affection professionals give. The ones I’ve been with have powdered or oiled their skin so it feels soft and smooth. They kiss well. They know how to say pet names with the right sense of sexiness. In turn, it’s easy to talk to them and be affectionate.

The biggest drawback I can think of are that professionals are expensive. In addition, I don’t know if they care about me as a person or if they’re only interested in my wallet. The optimist in me tries to believe they care about me on a basic humanitarian level, even if they’re being affectionate because it’s their job. The cynic in me thinks it’s only a job to them.

Cyberspace: Thank God for the Internet! Because of it, there are hundreds of places to explore my fetishes – and I can do so privately any time I’m at my computer. I’ve also shared my fantasy with Web mistresses and found them to be supportive, even when I wasn’t a member of their pay site, which suggests they care about me as a person or fan first and then as a potential customer. A few have even encouraged me to stay in touch with them as cyber-friends. Furthermore, as one Web mistress has pointed out, joining a Web site is cheaper than getting lap dances at a strip club or having a session with foot worship mistress or prostitute. And thanks to cyber-space, I can order custom videos and photo sets, which provide safe ways to explore my fetishes.

The biggest drawback I see is, there’s no human contact. Granted, the mind is the most powerful sexual organ (as I believe you’ve written) and masturbation, my imagination and a handy picture have produced some satisfying sexual experiences, but it’s nice to hold someone occasionally and have someone to talk to.

Have I covered all the plusses and minuses? If not, which ones have I missed? Are there some plusses and minuses I can easily fix? If so, which ones and how? Please tell me. I could use your insight.

Still Thinking

P.S.: Thanks for doing that foot fetish segment for “Real Sex” a few years ago (“Tootsie Roles”). Although I’m still private about my fetishes, I’ve become more comfortable about them because of you.

Dear ST,

I admire how hard you’re working toward your degree, sweetheart. Sounds like a good fit, you and accounting.

I’m only good with numbers if a sale at Saks is involved; I’m a go-with-the-gut kind of girl, sweetie, so I can’t help add anything to your ledger sheet of pros and cons. Perhaps my gut feeling for what your gut feel is could offer another perspective.

Since I suspect you’re as lost in the world of “gut” as I am in number crunching, here’s an example of what it is: A friend of mine believes with her heart and soul that there must be good sex outside her vibrator. The problem is that she considers 45 minutes of foreplay minimal, while, she claims, every man she’s ever known thinks 5 minutes is more than adequate—and that driving back to her place should count towards it. Even though the cons outweigh the pros in her search for a good lay, inexplicably her gut tells her to keep looking for that one man who’s not short on time.

Look less in your head than your gut for a moment. Do you really want to pursue a relationship with a woman? You’re not interested in so much as going to the movies with one. This might be news (sad news), sweetheart, but relationships are about more than getting the decimal point in the right place, more than about sexual exploration.

It appears you have a lot of comfort with the clear-cut nature of relationships with professionals, your sexual needs satisfied in exchange for payment. You’re not alone...I have a male friend who told me that he would be perfectly happy if a woman showed up at his door once a week. She’d have sex with him and then leave with the cash he left out for her and all the problems of a full-blown relationship.

A paid relationship is still a relationship, sweetie...particularly if you see one favorite woman over a long period of time. And even though at its core the relationship is an equitable exchange of money for sex, you two would likely develop a mutual caring.

For many with sexual proclivities not easily satisfied, the Internet can provide a chance to develop connections and bonding that the rest of their lives cannot. It appears that, for you, while satisfying in some ways, it’s primarily a place to fill in the gaps—it takes the place neither of a relationship nor of a paid but in-person dynamic. If you were a man who preferred to isolate himself, then the Internet might be ideal. But the fact that you get out, share yourself with a therapist, and—in every instance in your letter—state that you need to have women care about you (not just service your needs) tells me that you need human contact.

Whatever your ratio analysis yields right now, darling, please know that you can change your mind. On occasion, revisit what you’re getting and what you want. Unlike cold, hard numbers, we human beings change over time.

He’s got a Thing for Men’s Underwear
Dear Jane,

I am fascinated by men’s underpants. I find them, shall we say, satisfying.

My fetish grew out of the advances in manufacturing these spandex/cotton blends. The first time I put on a pair of CK boxer-briefs made from one of these new blends was about 10 years ago. My erection was instant... spurting semen, not far behind.

Early on, Calvin Klein and 2Xist, to name two brands—became favorites. Klein makes a boxer-brief from an especially lightweight and elastic fabric. Soft and white, it conformed beautifully to my penis, whether flaccid, semi-erect or ragingly hard. Without trousers, the visual effect was, to me anyway, very sexy and... very naughty. Whether angled to the side, towards my left hip, or downward, along my left thigh, erections were enhanced by the feel of the tightness and constriction of the fabric doing its best in a losing battle to restrict the direction of my penis as it erected. 2Xist has a cup built into the fly that cradles my genitals perfectly.

I “customize” my underpants. I pull the material up between my buttocks and tight in my crack and against my anus, and wedging the seam between my testicles and into the skin under—and between my sac and my thighs...

Merona underpants are made of a microfiber that feels amazingly soft to the touch, conforms tightly around my penis and testicles and, when pulled tightly, wedges perfectly between my buttocks—a feeling I adore. The CG biker underpants is an even more recent discovery and obsession. Very tight, they have double-stitched seams that wedge in my buttocks in back, while splitting my testicles and converging with the other stitching in a small diamond that pulls tightly just underneath my testicles, a spot that responds strongly to pressure.

Due to the nature of the fabric and its tightness, my erections—almost constant in these underpants—are held tightly to the side, pointing at my hip, and yet, have just enough give in the elasticity, to cause a bulge that is both obscenely visible, even under the most conservative dress trousers, and intensely pleasurable.

Of course, propriety is important. I dress appropriate to the situation, most days. If I’m in public and my day is mostly business or I’m in formal settings, I wear suits. Pleated corduroys, chinos and jeans, otherwise. With my jeans, I will occasionally pull them up high and then roll down the waistband if I'm wearing a sweater or my shirt untucked, to accentuate the shape and outline of my penis. By the way, it should be noted that in terms of public detection, I’m safer... longer... in the Merona than the biker short, since the cotton in the blend tends to soak up my pre-cum leakage when I’m very turned on. In the biker shorts, the wetness is immediately and very apparent at the head of my penis.

The many, many climaxes I’ve had, wearing underwear are intense—sometimes as intense as the first orgasms I ever had as a child—and the sight of my penis, pulsing and spurting semen into, and often straight through, the material has a great deal to do with the arousal of those orgasms.

Again, I want to thank you for your website as well as your insight....to say nothing of thanking you for listening when I write to you. I am both blushing and throbbing in my CG underpants.

Dear Mr. Underpants,

When I was first exploring sexuality, I used to buy my lover cotton bikini underwear, new at that time and a boon to the staid world of Fruit of the Loom and cotton boxers. Like you, I love the penis and testicles obscenely outlined. Because men’s undies just weren’t doing it for me, I eventually moved on to putting men into women’s panties.

Until I read your letter. Wow, you’ve opened up a candy store for me, sweetheart! I experimented with every brand and style you mention on my lover (if you’re a rep for any of these companies I’m happy to be giving you free exposure). You’re right about the sensuality particular to each style. I prefer the low-riders myself in each brand, but the point is the same...a nice sexy, even obscene bulge that’s sexy fun to play with. And for a borderline exhibitionist like yourself, I can easily understand how the narcissistic pleasure can’t be rivaled.

I visited some forums on the Web, men talking about underwear. It’s amusing, the way men focus on manly things like price—getting a deal on Merona at Target, for instance—and only cursorily mention the sensual pleasures of the garment. But, between the lines, as between the butt cheeks, the pleasure is there, no doubt about it.

Note to all: Even though I don’t have one, I receive dozens of e-mail messages daily promising to “enhance” my dick’s performance. And I bet you do, too. The FDA recently issued a warning against Zimaxx, Libidus, Neophase, Nasutra, Vigor-25, Actra-Rx, and 4EVERON because they contain some of the active ingredients found in the drugs Viagra or Levitra, though they are not listed on the labels. These ingredients can interact with other drugs and can be dangerous for you if you have certain medical conditions. If you have ED or other sexual problems, please take good care of yourself and your dick: visit a doc, not a website.

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com or writing to her at Leg Show. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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