July 2007

His Panties Don’t Arouse
Dear Jane,

I’m a male in my mid-twenties who enjoys wearing women’s panties. I know for sure I’m not gay. I don’t wear any other piece of women’s clothing, just panties. As a hetero male, is it okay to wear women’s panties? The second thing I’m concerned about is that wearing women’s panties should turn me on, but it doesn’t.

I hate men’s underwear because they bag. They twist and bunch. Even boxer briefs bag over the course of a day and my parts are flying in different directions. I love the different variation in styles, colors and fabrics of women’s panties. I also like the fact that they’re made of different types of cottons, microfibers, nylon, and poly, etc, while men’s underwear can be found only in cotton and, if you’re lucky, poly. The colors are always neutral colors and rarely have patterns. Even the cotton they use for women’s underwear is softer than the cotton they use for men’s.

The thing about women’s panties is that I like the comfort/support, the variety of styles, colors, and fabrics of women’s panties. I have never liked boxers, but I wore them because that was the norm. I tolerated men’s briefs a little more, but still was uncomfortable in them. I also tried men’s bikinis and thongs and hated both.

I don’t know or remember what prompted me to look into the underwear of the opposite sex. However, I did, and researched what my size would be, on the Internet. Ever since I bought my first pair, I have been “at peace” with my underwear choice. But I’m still confused and concerned, because everything in society has taught me this is wrong. Men wear boxer/briefs and women wear panties. If I am indeed doing this for “utilitarian purposes” alone, does this still make it okay? Is it okay to wear panties just for the cut, style, fabric, and colors?

In addition to the “wrongness” of wearing the opposite sex’s panties, I also am concerned that I have no sexual arousal with panties. No turn-on at all. I’m not obsessed. I don’t sniff worn panties. I don’t look for panty lines or dream about them. I don’t think about them when I’m intimate with women. I just like to wear them.

What’s wrong with me? I tell myself, “It’s just a piece of fabric and nothing else.” But another part of me says, “Go back to wearing boxers or briefs.” But if I DO wear women’s panties, why don’t I get turned on?

All Panties, All the Time

Dear Panty-Wearer,

Yours is an example of a non-problem becoming a problem simply because you deem it such. And the reason you deem it such is because of our “it’s supposed to be done like that” mentality, even though no one knows who made the rules or why they’re necessary.

I personally don’t know how men can stand their underwear. Why should a man be subject to what you describe as ill-fitting, rough-fabric skivvies? Just to prove our men are manly men, perhaps we should bring back hairshirts, too.

Women can wear men’s, but men can’t wear women’s. But, have you noticed? Men’s are becoming more and more like women’s. If they become pretty much unisex someday, will men who like women’s panties cease buying in the ladies department? Hm, somehow I don’t think so; part of the turn-on is doing the forbidden…I predict that wearing women’s panties will always be a subversive—and erotic—act for most men who do it.

Although not for you. And that’s okay. Who cares what turns you on and what doesn’t, sweetie? We don’t have control over that. I’m sure there are plenty of sexy things that curl your toes.

Go forth, doll. Break the underwear rules and be happy.

He Wants to Come Out of the Closet (Where His Dresses Hang)
Dear Jane,

I want to be honest with my adult son and tell him I’m a cross-dresser. I have been honest with him all of his life except in this one area. I feel his not knowing creates a wall between us. I would tell his girlfriend as well. In addition to the honesty question is the logistical one. My son and his girlfriend live with me in my house and I’d rather they not find out accidentally, if you know what I mean.

I have been tormented by my cross-dressing in the past and have sought out therapy to find some peace of mind. But I’ve had little luck. My first therapist put me into a group therapy with druggies and alcoholics.

My second attempt at therapy was with a psychiatrist who gave me Valium and other sedatives. The third was just nuts; we talked mostly about hunting dogs. The fourth, and last, was a religious guy who tried to make me quit doing it.

I was 3 or 4 years old when I first tried on my sister’s clothes. I am 51 now and enjoy cross-dressing and going out in public. I was married 10 years to a non-understanding and unpleasant female. I told her before marriage, but she thought she could bring me around, and I thought she might eventually become understanding. We have two kids. We’ve been divorced 14 years.

Many years ago I would steal women’s clothes. I would break into apartments and houses and even retail stores and steal every bit of lingerie they had, even dresses and shoes that were my size. I knew this was wrong and resolved to do something about it. I gave myself permission to cross-dress but not to steal. This worked for me, and probably kept me out of jail. I haven’t stolen anything in 30 years.

At this point in my life I’m pretty well adjusted about cross-dressing and love to go out. I’m amazed by how much like a lady I’m treated when I’m out and want to do it more.

But…how do I tell my son?

Thanks for listening, Jane.

JL

Dear JL,

I respect your courage. Cross-dressing is so misunderstood that most men who do it are reticent about telling others. Because of the lack of knowledge about it, your son’s and his girlfriend’s first reaction might be to ask whether you’re gay. If you communicate openly, as it appears you do, you’ll be able to work through this and other questions they’re likely to have.

After your initial talk, be sure to let them know the door is open for them to ask more questions and air their concerns and feelings. You might also give them books to read such as My Husband Betty, one of the best in that it addresses loved ones’ fears and concerns about a cross-dresser they love.

I hope you feel free enough with your son and his girlfriend to tell your whole history…your feelings about dressing as a boy, even your history of theft. These details provide a glimpse into the drive you’ve had to satisfy your need to cross-dress and I think they’ll feel sympathy toward your need to do so. They will likely also feel for you as their father and as a man on this earth who’s had to bear the burden of a secret all these years.

Leave it to them, please, about whether they want to meet your alter ego. They may not and you need to respect this and not take it as a slight. You are “dad” and they may not wish to know you in any other form…Leave it up to them, and don’t engineer a meeting—accidental or otherwise”between them and your femme self.

I suspect your son already knows more than you think he does. If he doesn’t, he’ll look back upon his childhood and put things together that didn’t make sense then but do with this new information. It’s funny, though. Kids usually know far more than we give them credit for.

I respect your courage, JL. I’m sorry you had such lousy therapists! They focused on the behavior itself and not your related psychological and emotional pain around it.

Two final thoughts: First, remember that you cannot control another person’s reaction. You must be telling this to your son and his girlfriend because YOU need to tell them, not because you anticipate a particular reaction or fantasize a particular outcome.

Second, approach this topic with dignity and self-respect. Do not apologize or disparage yourself (“I’m sick in the head,” “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” etc.). There is NOTHING WRONG with cross-dressing and nothing wrong with you because you do it. Be good to yourself and to JL…show respect and kindness and never apologize or make excuses. You are the way you are, period, and it’s the way you’re meant to be. Good luck!

Does Reefer Madness Kill Wood?
Hey, Jane,

Does smoking grass have any effect on my erection or how long it takes me to cum?

Pothead

Darling,

If your signature is a way of telling me you smoke a helluva lot of pot, then your sexual performance may be impaired. Long-term, heavy use of marijuana can affect your testosterone production, which in turn can affect your sex drive and fertility. And, because mother irony loves to play mind games with us, it can cause erectile dysfunction, probably the polar opposite effect you were looking for when you tooted your last joint.

Even occasional pot-smoking can impair coordination and judgment, just as alcohol can. Hence, you shouldn’t drive a car when high (or tipsy). And your attempt to impress your lady may misfire if you try tricky positions in coitus.

However, if you’re an occasional, light user, your sperm production and erection should not be affected. Especially if your sole function when high is to masturbate. Come to think of it, I’ve received enough letters from you guys to know that short of a coma, nothing comes between a man and his dick.

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com or writing to her at Leg Show. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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