October 2007
Photo by Alan Fairgate

Masturbation Is His Life
Dear Jane,

I want to get your opinion on something I do on a regular basis. I masturbate to online website porn every day. During the week this is about 3-4 hours a day and on the weekends double that. I usually masturbate about 30-45 minutes for each orgasm and then take a break of about 30-45 minutes before starting back up again.

I have not had a partner in quite a while; I had a girlfriend for 5 years, but we ended 4 years ago. I have not dated since and have only had limited physical interaction with another since then. I actually don’t mind that because I prefer masturbating. My concern is that I may no longer care if I meet a significant other. I do want a woman in my life at some point. I am 33 now.

Once I became single my use of the Internet increased a lot. I have always masturbated daily but it used to be 5-10 minutes twice a day. In the past 4 years it’s increased dramatically, as I described.

I can’t imagine giving up my porn. I have been doing this for several years and before this I had a large collection of magazines. Online porn is great because I get to find websites that specialize in my fetish for nylons, pantyhose, and feet. I have tried to cut down but still end up spending the same amount of time playing with myself online.

I am not sure why masturbating to photos and video is more appealing than the actual thing. Overall I guess there is no uncertainty or maybe I'm a little apprehensive with the interaction with another person.

If I had to be honest I would say that masturbation occasionally interferes with other things I have to do. I have been late to work before for either losing track of time at the computer in the morning or sleeping in because I was up late (last night I was up until 4 a.m., for example).

Or, if I am out with friends I sometimes come home early to go online and masturbate.

One other thing: I also have fantasies about exposing myself. I sent you a couple of photos of my penis, including one where I was ejaculating. This gives me a big thrill. I have also posted the same pictures on a website sharing these kind of photos.

Do you have any insight or am I just doing the normal guy thing? Does everyone go throughout a phase like this?

Masturbator

Darling,

Phases are for kids. This is no phase; it’s a lifestyle.

As one who adores sensual pleasures, I understand your indulgence in masturbatory abundance. Feels good, doesn’t it? Plus, there’s no need to awkwardly pursue women. No need to make small talk with friends. No need to try other activities you’re perhaps, uh, less good at. No need to confront your possibly lonely self since you and your girlfriend of five years split up. No need to get a life.

Instead of indulging in this private pleasure as an added enjoyment in life, you’ve made it your life. You live and breathe for your masturbatory episodes: You leave friends to go home to jerk off, are late to work because you’re masturbating, and lose sleep to stay up late and masturbate.

Heard the expression "eating to live or living to eat?" Instead of masturbating to enjoy life you’re living to masturbate.

Not that there’s anything necessarily wrong with this. But I ask why. And I ask this not because your hobby happens to be masturbation in lieu of a loftier endeavor but because your time investment in just one activity excludes your pursuit of other aspects of living life.

In high school, I had an obsession with snow skiing. When I wasn’t doing it, I was thinking about it, dreaming about it, buying gear for it, and planning skiing adventures. Each winter in high school, I skipped classes to get on the slope and in the summer I climbed ridiculous mountains with skis on my back just to get a single run down a patch of snow. On one such run, all alone, I fell and broke my arm. I had to sit there, in lots of pain, until another kook like me happened along.

I look back on those years and know that my focus on this one pleasure took me away from more painful aspects of my life—namely high school, which I hated. Once I graduated and entered college, my obsession for skiing subsided; it became just another activity.

Doing Just One Thing can be an escape from creating a life that might inflict some discomfort along a generally satisfying path. One problem is that the longer you do Just One Thing, the less socially adept you’re likely to become over time. Engaging with others takes practice.

Also, forays deep into masturbation may provide satisfaction 45 minutes at a time, but is it ultimately leading you to a balanced and satisfying life? The fact that you wrote at all suggests you’re engaging in some self-reflection.

For me, man (or woman) cannot live by wanks alone. But only you can make the determination for yourself: If you feel you have created for yourself a meaningful life, then carry on.

If, on the other hand, you feel a niggling that there might be more, then rethink your masturbation schedule.

No matter how you proceed, masturbation needn’t ever be given up entirely; it will forevermore remain a great pleasure in your life. At least you won’t break your arm doing it. At least I hope not.

Can He Hypnotize Himself Out of Crossdressing?
Hi Jane,

First, I want to say that I am one of your dearest fans, and love how you support all us guys.

I just read a letter to you from a crossdresser who inquired about self-hypnosis to embody his femininity. I have been crossdressing on and off for at least ten years. I have tried to stop by just discarding the clothes; but have come to realize that you can throw away the clothes, but you cannot throw away the feeling or desire.

My question to you is; can some form of hypnosis be used to take away the need or desire to crossdress?

If I can stop, I want to stop; if I cannot stop, then I want to start to accept it and possibly come out of the closet and enjoy the feeling and indulge myself to another level.

Another Crossdresser

Hi, Sweetheart,

In my experience, I've not seen it possible to rid ourselves of fundamental urges through hypnosis. That doesn’t mean it hasn’t or can’t happen, just that I haven’t seen it in my 15 years of communicating with members of the TG and fetish communities.

But I could be wrong. I have a physician friend in Zurich who is studying a method a French therapist has developed that is supposed to divert urges for those with sexual "issues."

I listen to my friend excitedly tell of the Frenchman's methodologies and I try to keep an open mind…but I honestly do not think we can rewire the brain on a deep enough level to refocus the primal desire that is crossdressing. Anymore than we can rid ourselves of overeating that to some of us is an emotional response to upsets in our lives. As a member of the latter group, I have accepted this urge I have and manage it—which I think is key in any urge that has the power to overtake our lives: management of it. But I’ve also accepted that the urge itself probably will never ever go away.

They're terribly complex, our needs and desires. Anyone who professes to "know" where they come from is likely mistaken…And that's why, as a sexologist, I advocate acceptance of our desires in lieu of taking up battle against them.

As you eloquently said, you can throw away the clothes but not the desire. I wish you'd give yourself permission to enjoy yourself…the feelings this activity calls up in your body and mind both are gifts to you, if you choose to see it that way…you receive comfort and joy and sexual release and a chance to slip out of one stressful life into one that's gentle and undemanding. What could be better than that, really?

If crossdressing were celebrated—say, the way the gay lifestyle is these days (at least here in San Francisco), would you be so keen to stop? Probably not. It's the lack of social acceptance that drives our shame, guilt, and hatred of the activity. That's why self-acceptance is the most promising path to freedom.

Size Matters
Dear Jane,

When I’m having sex I do NOT think, "Hm, nice tits" or "I love fucking this ass."

Instead, I think about wishing I were three inches tall looking up to a real life giantess and I’m about to be captured willingly. The awe and beauty of such size and my small helpless body…my life dangling in her fingers, me not knowing what will happen.

I know I ultimately wish to be swallowed whole and alive or plucked between her toes and then slowly smooshed or even smooshed in her hand—you get the picture.

What should I do? I wish I could find a partner. I’m 35 years old, been divorced twice, and want to be a 24-7 slave to a mistress type of woman.

I always start my fantasy imagining that I’m lying at my mistress’s feet, sucking each and every inch of her toes and feet. I’m very, very small and tiny and she’s so big and masterful over me. Do you know anyone who might be the "right" woman for me, that is, someone who’d be into this. Alternatively, do you have any advice for me?

Rhode Island

Hi, darling,

The woman who represented me 20 years ago in my divorce comes to mind…she makes ball-busting look both fun and easy.

Your problem is not that you haven’t found the "right" woman yet. Your giantess fantasy has no relationship at all to your finding a life partner and so if you’re blaming that for two divorces, stop it.

Marriages aren’t founded on having compatible fantasies. So don’t make it a goal to meet women who are into squishing you between their toes.

Instead, meet women by being a decent chap and showing your best self. When you feel there’s sufficient trust in the relationship, bring up gentle dominance and submission. For, at its core, yours is the ultimate submissive fantasy. Could there be a more submissive fantasy than wanting a woman to squish you like little grapes, then having you as a tasty little snack?

And remember, no matter whom you’re having sex with or what you’re doing with her, it’s okay to be thinking about giantesses. Fantasy is fuel for a good time; indulge.

The "right" partner is one who’s open-minded and loves you and whom you love and trust enough to share yourself with. And if you want the name of that divorce attorney, let me know. Just warning you: she has every capability to turn you, my darling, into chopped liver.

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com or writing to her at Leg Show. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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