November/December 2007
Photo by Roger Jazilek

Are the Doms Laughing?
Dear Jane,

I have really fallen very hard for someone.

She is extremely kind. Very, very smart. Sensual. Erotic till the cows come home. And she touches me so sweetly, like I was her sweet baby, tenderly, empathically.

And I pay her to see me.

I actually don't feel I have any less of a chance with this professional dom than I had with all of the myriad woman I have dated. Plus, I’m a good catch: I’ve never been married; I earn a good living. Do you think the "professional" nature of our relationship is sheer illusion on my part? She is very real and dear to me.

I see her two to three times a week and it’s really quite a pricey relationship. Its not that I don't make a living, but the thought of spending $100k or more per year to see a woman whom I will never meet outside of the establishment (dungeon) gives one pause. If I were reading this missive, I would easily understand how ridiculous this all sounds.

A friend of mine happened to see the web site for my lover’s dungeon on my computer one day when she walked in. She says the pro-doms are no doubt laughing themselves silly over my predicament.

But I get something out of it. I adore her. She brings to life sexual fantasies that I didn't even know I had. My relationships with women have, in the last several years, been such a hardship. Is it really wrong to seek refuge in a pro-dom who will never hurt me?

Surrendered

From the dungeon’s link you sent, I can see your beloved is beautiful; and she offers exactly what you need ... kindness, tenderness, a loving touch, and much-needed, tailor-made sexual experiences.

To answer your question, Yes, I do think this relationship is illusory. It is very, very, very uncommon for a pro to "fall" for a client. It happens, but not often. Remember, she's PAID to give to you! You are not dealing with an entire woman here, with all her idiosyncrasies and flaws; you are with a woman who is exactly what you want because she's paid to play the role.

This doesn't mean she's not naturally tender…I'm sure she is. But she's catering to you…And even when you "serve" her, this as well is for you, not her. She asks nothing of you; the relationship is solely for you—except, of course, when it’s time to be paid.

She probably does have special feelings for you, dear—but as her "favorite client," not likely as a forever partner. Who knows…the "real" her might not even be into the things she does with you. She might not even be heterosexual.

As far as paying for a relationship goes…well, a cynical viewpoint is that men often "pay" for their wives’ expensive habits. If this woman offers all you want in a wife, then you may be getting off cheap at $100 grand a year. A bigger issue than the money, in my mind, is this: Is this all you want? You don’t care about going to the movies or socializing with friends or spending Christmas morning together? If not, and you can afford this woman, then why not?

But you’re such a romantic, darling! I know it from the many times you’ve written me. You’re just so idealistic that I want to slap you.

I so want for you to find the love of your life. And I believe you will. But not with a woman you pay. And by seeing her so often and dreaming only of her, you’re losing out on meeting other women.

If you want to understand the nature of your relationship with your paid mistress from her point of view, ask her what her feelings are toward you. She'll tell you…probably that she values your relationship but not to have expectations outside the paid dynamic.

If I'm wrong, I'll be delighted. But I want you to deal with what’s likely to be real, sweetheart, and not a fairy tale.

Can we Figure Out the Unfigureoutable?
Dear Jane,

I have spent much time on your website and I am perplexed. I truly want a better understanding of, what I'm obviously missing out on, this sissy-panty-boy humiliation and punishment elements in what I see and hear.

Yes, I deeply enjoy wearing soft Nylon Panties, and from time to time, some sheer thigh high stockings. Why? Because they feel so wonderful against my skin and manhood. Also, it is an association and fascination with the Panties as the final, intimate barrier to that which is hidden beneath. I consider myself adventurous and willing to experiment and enjoy other facets of sexuality, techniques, and preferences.

I am 55 and have enjoyed Panties since 12 years old. In that entire history I have not yearned or desired to enjoy or express myself in sissy, frilly, items, such as rumba Panties, petticoats or slips, girdles. Neither do I care in the least to cross dress.

I do enjoy the idea of bondage, allowing the girl free liberty to experiment, enjoy, and fulfill her fantasies—doing to a man what she's always desired, but never expressed. I have enjoyed restraining as much as being restrained, and the liberties one can take for the enjoyment of the partner.

So, all the above leads to this question - "Am I missing out on something here?"

Your insight and guidance towards a better understanding and ultimately experiencing and enjoying what you so strongly promote.

Thank you in advance for your thoughtful consideration and response to this inquiry.

Panties and Nothing But

Darling,

No one knows where a fetish comes from. And each person’s is a bit different. In fact, each expression of a fetish is as unique as the person who has it. A man might identify as a "panty fetishist," as you do, but the way his particular fetish is expressed can be quite different from the way another panty fetishist's is. More about this in a moment…

Think back to your early sexual history, love. You’ve told me about it in previous e-mails messages, about how in your teen-age years your two female cousins teased and tormented you with their panties. Well, that experience is unique to you. No one else had that same exact experience (and had they had it they would not have processed it the same way you did). Somehow—no one knows how—you were imprinted with a fondness for women's nylon panties. Enough so that now, at 55, you have developed a club for men all devoted expressly to nylon panties.

(Here’s a plug for Jim’s first-rate (and free) Nylon Panties Club and I thank him for permission to use his name and details from his life.)

Within your club, every member adores nylon panties, but each person loves something a little bit different about them. This is where a fetish becomes very particular in its details.

I'll give you an off-the-cuff list of ways men who love nylon panties tell me they masturbate. They: 1) masturbate through the panties; 2) masturbate with the panties; 3) reaching inside and masturbate; 4) thrust into a pile of panties; 5) do any of the above while smelling a pair of worn panties; 6) wear and/or use multiple pairs of panties while masturbating; 7) bind themselves with one pair while masturbating with another.

Then there’s style of panties different panty fetishists prefer: 1) full-cut; 2) bikini; 3) thong; 4) any of the above, but with lace and/or other adornment, too; 5) rumba panties; 6) sheer panties.

Some prefer cotton, satin, or microfiber to nylon. Of course, some focus upon 1) the crotch (and are turned on by the word "crotch"); 2) the seam that runs up the backside of some panties; 3) the way the panty hugs their manhood; 4) manhood’s inability to stay within bounds of panties; 5) wet panties showcasing manhood.

Then there's what a panty-lover fantasizes about when masturbating in/with/on top of panties. These include (but are not limited to) being 1) caught (masturbating, stealing panties, rummaging through drawers); 2) erotically humiliated; 3) tied up; 4) sissified/told he's a little girl; 5) told he's naughty; 6) spanked on top of panties or having them yanked down and then spanked; 7) exposed publicly, in fantasy or in reality; 8) dressed in bra and/or garterbelt and/or stockings and/or pantyhose and/or outerwear and/or wig and/or makeup; 9) looking up-skirt.

Of course, roles might be very important to a nylon panty-lover. He 1) is a "she"; 2) is getting panty-punished; 3) has a "big clit" 4) has laughably small penis (needn't be small to have this fantasy); 5) wants to serve as mistress's slave; 6) wants panties to be laid out for him to wear each morning under his business clothes; 7) wants to be tied down and tormented; 8) wants to be denied release; 9) wants to be forced to wear a chastity belt, giving control to his "mistress"; 10) wants to be the boy looking up the teacher’s/nurse’s/librarian’s/mom’s/aunt’s/etc skirt; 11) wants to be forced to suck a cock, either a strap-on or a real one; 12) wants to be "taken" anally.

And on and on. The permutations are endless, Jim, and that's why our sexuality is such a gift: because it's "just ours." It's endlessly creative and—excuse the pun—gives rise to enormously powerful sexual urges and longings.

The one thread that's common throughout all of these variations on a theme is TEASE. Every one of these different expressions incorporates the rich dynamic of tease…whether teasing oneself or being teased by a promise being held out by another. But other than tease, each expression of each fetish is absolutely unique to a given fetish.

So who cares if you don’t like rumba panties, darling. I bet there’s plenty else in panties that keeps you well-occupied.

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com or writing to her at Leg Show. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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