January 2008
Photo by Jim Pullen

Tough Job, But Someone’s Gotta Do It
Dear Jane,

Sometimes I wonder, Jane, whether my occupation as an intimate images glamour photographer is a blessing or a curse.

I have what most men would consider a dream job: I take photos of gorgeous and scantily clad women. But there are a couple of downsides to this line of work: one, my own idealizations of women. Will my line of work impede my finding a "regular" woman attractive? And, two, how do you suggest I deal with women’s emotional responses to what I do?

Women generally find me interesting. They see I'm wealthy, dress well, drive nice vehicles, and initially, they find my vocation as an intimate images glamour photographer really cool and sexy—UNTIL they start comparing themselves to my models, be it physical appearance, age, wardrobe, and so on. THEN they feel threatened by the models, who are lovely, usually between 18 and 25 and possess physical perfection. They also have great personalities and no shame about their bodies. And they’re such flirts and teases; all of the models know of my fascination by and enjoyment of panties.

Women think that I'm probably getting laid all the time, which has not occurred but once in 16 years (and that was to the woman I married, that marriage lasting only 3 years, until her tragic death).

With most women I date, I don't ever get to the point of sharing my panty fetish; I lose them well before that. I am trying to find someone near my age (mid-fifties), not someone 18-25 and perfect. But women feel they cannot compete with what I'm involved with every single day. I actually do understand and try to console these women that business remains business, and I do return to reality and have expectations not so highly elevated.

Couple this with my private entertainment in the evenings, usually solo, enjoying the photo's I've taken, fantasizing about the models and what could have been or I may be watching a panty tease DVD. (That's the extent of my sexual life, at least right now.)

Does—or will—this constant visual stimulation of these lovely models in panties and my fetish for panties (wearing them and using them to entertain myself) be a deterrent when I once again seek a meaningful relationship with another woman?

I do want a female in my life, one whom I can care for and bring fulfillment into her life. But I feel she will have to be a very special girl to accept what I do for a living and my sexual preferences.

Blessed or Cursed?

Dear Blessed-If-You-Believe-You-Are,

First, let’s examine the sort of women you’re dating. After that, we’ll look at your role in attracting the women you claim you want.

Women who are "threatened" by your models are not confident women. A confident woman wouldn’t measure herself against an 18-to-25-year-old woman. A confident woman possesses sensuality, class, charm, knowledge, insight, and a deep awareness of her sexual allure. These qualities trump the measurements of your latest model and a confident woman knows that.

A confident woman's attitude toward your work would be, "Great job…enjoy yourself. Work up a good appetite to bring home to me." A confident woman knows that you’ll never ever get from any 18-year-old model what you get with her. A confident woman doesn’t enter competition; she knows there’s no contest.

Now, to attract a confident woman, you yourself must be confident. Which brings me to my second point: how you present yourself. I may be dead wrong about this, love, but my hunch is that you toot your I-photograph-gorgeous-women horn a wee bit loud. Not that you shouldn’t be proud of your work; of course, you should be.

It’s just that high-quality, confident women turn on their heel when they hear, "Don’t be threatened by the bevy of beautiful young women surrounding me each day; yes, they are flirtatious and they tease me…and their personalities—well, they’re outstanding! But don’t worry about all that…I’ve lowered my expectations in order to date you."

It’s the red Porsche syndrome…a woman sees that a man drives a hot car and thinks, "I hope he’s not one of those guys who requires a red Porsche to feel good about himself."

Let women know that YOU know the limitations of your beautiful models. Make sure you don’t have some I’m-a-big-man need to brag. This takes confidence. Once you have it then you will, in turn, attract confident women.

When you get to your panty activities with a woman, again, confidence is key. In my experience I’ve found that when a woman is truly into the man she’s with, she’ll open herself to all that he is, sexually and otherwise.

Also, enjoying yourself while looking at photos of your beautiful models will whet your appetite for the woman you love. If looking at such images damaged men’s ability to bond with actual women, darling, then every man who enjoys men’s magazines and adult films would be dissatisfied with their mates. I give you men more credit than this; after all, you can’t cuddle up with a photo.

Why Can’t a Woman Take a Compliment?
Dear Jane,

A friend of mine told me this story. It happened as he was leaving work to go home. He got on the 12:30 a.m. train. As he was walking through the (mostly empty) train he saw this hot woman reading a book.

She had skin like Halle Berry. Her feet were pretty. Her legs looked like it could put stockings out of business. He smiled and told her she looked like she came right out of Leg Show magazine and that she had pretty feet.

The woman looked at him, got angry, got up, and got off the train at the next stop.

I asked my friend if he touched her. He said no. I asked him whether he touched himself in front of her. He said no. I asked him what else he said to her. He said he didn’t say anything else.

So, my question to you, Jane, is this why did she get offended if my friend did not do anything to hurt her?

Mr. G.

Dear Mr. G.,

Even though his intentions were good, your friend should have taken note of the woman’s body language; her head in a book meant "don’t bug me, even with a compliment." Also, you asked your friend what he said but not how he said it. What "look" and body language accompanied his comment? That is, was he standing too close? Did he stink of liquor? Sport a hard-on? Eye her up and down? Was he dressed in crummy clothes? Was he drooling?

There are two other reasons the woman might have taken his compliment in a way he didn’t intend. First, women are—quite sensibly—on guard when they’re riding an empty train at midnight. The same comment during the day in a full train might be received differently.

The second reason women get huffy about personal comments is because we’ve generally become so uppity that we confuse a compliment with a threat. Which, I’m sorry for your friend, means the woman might not have appreciated the comment even during the day in a busy train.

Tell your friend to continue to compliment women but, when he does so, to stand his distance, look her only in her eyes, dress nicely, smile (but not too broadly), be sincere, and depart after delivering said niceity. All of which may be too much trouble for your friend. But I hope not; we’re worth it and really appreciate the kind words when delivered thusly.

Does He Like Licking Back There Because He’s Gay?
Hi Jane:

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up last week because he just "can't commit." He's fifty, never been married, and I'm only 32. When I first met him, he painted this picture of the perfect life that he was seeking: marriage, kids, the whole nine yards.

He's a doctor, which keeps him very busy, but also allowed for a lot of excuses. For instance, he would disappear for a while and say he had to be at the hospital or that he had to visit his elderly father.

As time went by things just didn't add up. His cell phone was practically implanted to his head, so to me there was no excuse for him not to call.

Our sex life was great, even though he was more into anal. I like that too, so it wasn't a problem. And, of course it’s tighter and you don't have to worry about pregnancy. That's the way I saw it.

The weird thing is, (and I don't mean to be too graphic) every time he would cum in my ass he would like to lick it out. It felt great for me, but I thought it was a little odd.

In your opinion, is this man struggling with his sexuality? I have pretty good "gaydar" and he didn't have any mannerisms that would suggest he was, but you never know these days. Any advice you could give me would be helpful, because we've broken up before and the excuses are always lame. Thanks.

Nancy

Dear Nancy,

Your man isn’t gay, sweetie. He’s submissive. I mean, can you think of an activity much more submissive than cleaning a woman’s ass with his tongue?

We tend to equate anything having to do with anal play as a sign of homosexuality. But it’s not. Anal play is just fun…so, if you get back together, continue to enjoy his attentions back there.

And you might play around with dominance and submission with him as well. Tie his hands to the bedposts, then sit on his face, demanding to be tongue-washed to your satisfaction. Bet you a nickel he loves it. Heavens, I’d bet a whole dollar he will.

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com or writing to her at Leg Show. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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