March 2008
Photo by Jim Pullen, Glamour Photographics

Sex With Older Women
Dear Jane,

I wanted to ask you for advice because I think you are someone I think can really help with this subject. About 8 months ago, I got out of a serious relationship with a girl I had been dating for 2 years. Although I am going out and having fun meeting people my age, I have a strong attraction (fantasy!) to have sex with an older woman.

I am a good-looking 21-year-old who is intelligent, respectful, kind and who is not looking to randomly hook-up with anyone just to brag to friends.

I tired Adult Friend Finder to see if I could have any luck meeting an older woman there…but there are thousands of guys on that site and it was extremely difficult to meet anyone.

I need advice on how to approach an older woman or find an older woman who would be willing to be interested in me. Do you know of anyone on the East Coast? I am clueless on how to make a move on an older woman because it is an internal paradox of mine…I have always been taught to treat elders with respect.

Do you have any suggestions or advice that can help? It is something that I really want to experience. I honestly feel it is because I usually meet girls who are wild and immature. I think I could enjoy the sexual company of someone more serious. Thanks and hope you can help.

Need Help

Sweet Boy,

You have learned to treat your "elders" with respect? Are you assisting women across the street and hitting on them at the same time? Darling boy, think of women older than you as something other than your "elders" and you may have better luck with them.

Women older than you are no different than younger women except that our experience helps us spot a mile away a young-un who seeks safety at our motherly teats.

We are no more or less "serious" or "easy" when it comes to sex but are often more discerning…and perhaps a wee bit more demanding.

Pursuing women of any age means making eye contact, smiling, being nice, and complimenting in a sincere manner. It means demonstrating your smarts and confidence with intelligent conversation and wit as you find common ground. Do these things and women of all ages will come 'round.

In your quest, baby boy, your biggest challenge will be to find older women who take you seriously.

Good luck, babe. And - remember - treasure every woman of every age who graces your life.

A Midlife Super-Stud Wants to Strut His Stuff
Dear Jane,

I’m 50. I recently I got my hormones checked as part of routine lab work during a check-up. According to what the lab results say, the normal range for a man’s testosterone level is 14-76. I have a 305. What does this mean? Am I super-stud, at least ten times the average?

Is it something I should explore? Actually, I do feel I could have much, much more sexual activity than I currently do (but don’t have the opportunity to test). However, is there a downside as well? With a testosterone score so high, might I be at risk for prostate cancer? I mean, I don’t know whether to be thrilled, or concerned. I guess mostly, though, I’m thrilled…

Rarin' to Go

Dear Hold Up a Sec,

I was about to book air travel to your location to test your middle-age super-stud theory when it occurred to me that a man’s average testosterone level is around 400, making your 305 seem a bit less impressive than I –- oops, I mean, you -– had hoped. Statistically speaking, you’re 75 percent the average, not ten times.

So sorry to burst your bubble, honey. If it helps, you’re not alone. Low levels of testosterone affect an estimated 2 to 4 million men in the United States (it’s called hypogonadism), and the prevalence of this condition increases with age. The symptoms include diminished libido and sense of vitality, erectile dysfunction, reduced muscle mass and bone density, depression, and anemia.

You ask about high testosterone and prostate health. A measure of prostate health is your PSA score. A "good" PSA score is a very low one – ideally, below 4. One that’s over ten indicates there might be a problem.

However, according to a study by urologists Ernani L. Rhoden, M.D., and Abraham Morgentaler, M.D., there’s no connection between higher testosterone levels and prostate cancer – and neither did they find evidence that testosterone supplementation causes prostate cancer.

I’m sorry to be the bearer of not-great news, doll, and I’m sorrier still that I won’t be testing a newfound midlife studliness. Also, poor you, if you’re wise and go back to your doc, a prostate exam is surely in your future.

You definitely got second prize this time around, sweet darling. Please remember that sexiness is in a man’s attitude, not his numbers.

Pantyhose Gihadists
Dear Jane,

Would you please give me a woman’s view on men wearing pantyhose? I am trying to get a major women’s magazine to publish info on men wearing pantyhose.

Also, in an attempt to make more women aware that men wear them, I’m trying to get a major pantyhose brand such as L’Eggs to actually admit on the box that men wear them.

Most women I speak with would be ok with it if they knew other women are ok with it. My goal is to open some eyes on how a lot of heterosexual men do desire to wear pantyhose, fantasize about pantyhose, and also find women sexy in pantyhose.

I myself love to wear pantyhose, and I love women in pantyhose. I like the look and feel. The average woman wants nothing to do with this because they’re worried what someone else might think.

Would you write me a letter stating just how common men wearing pantyhose actually is and how it them doing so could spice up a boring sex life?

I wish all women were like you, Jane. I think the world would be a much better place.

The World Should Know

Dear Crusader,

In 1973 Joe Namath modeled pantyhose and the world sniggered. Just shy of thirty years later, The Wall Street Journal published an article citing the decline of the women’s hosiery industry and the potential of the men’s market.

To that end, Comlifon has bravely given Activskin – pantyhose - to men. Wolford from Austria, Gerbe from France, and Levee from Germany have all entered the market as well. The American company L’Eggs, owned by Sara Lee, has stated it has no interest in the male market, despite the fact that online pantyhose sales are primarily to men (according to Wikipedia).

Others have joined the cause. Legwear as Unisex Fashion (LAUF) is a forum devoted to discussion of pantyhose for men and a Chinese man who demands "equal rights" for men to wear pantyhose (geocities.com/lewisinph) offers hosiery companies’ addresses so that you can join the fight by writing and giving them a piece of your mind.

The crusade for men’s pantyhose is waged on practical grounds, not sensual. But of course. Sensual fulfillment is anathema to mainstream companies’ sensibility. Instead, they talk about superior athletic performance, warmth, safety from jellyfish stings when scube-diving, and "effective massaging and energizing [of] your legs all day long."

Yeah, and that’s not all they energize.

When I saw that Comfilon is now marketing men’s stay-up stockings, I nearly fell off my stilettos. Not for arousal? Give me a break; they even pose men wearing the stay-ups just like they do women, featuring these gorgeous silky stockings on well-built men with outstretched, beautifully shaped legs. All that’s missing is the high heels. As one who adores men in stay-ups, I’d buy them just for the photo on the package.

Oh, well. If they can sell them by offering better, uh, athletic performance – even though it’s predominantly the fetishists of the world snapping them up – at least pantyhose are getting out into the world as a socially acceptable garment for men – and, eventually, into the bedroom with accepting partners.

For, as you say, women need the endorsement of others, preferably society at large, before they’ll allow anything out of the ordinary into to their sex play.

Yep, Hanes was right: Gentlemen do prefer Hanes – and many other brands. On themselves.

Awash in Dopamine
Dear Jane,

Do you believe that cross-dressing can be addictive? I can’t stop. I’ve quit dozens of times but when I do I’m always thinking about it and inevitably go back to doing it. Why is it so, so hard to quit?

Cravings that Never Stop

Dear Cravings,

Does a compulsion to engage in an activity make that activity an addiction? According to most dictionaries, yes. As defined by the American Heritage Science Dictionary, an addiction is: "1) A physical or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, such as a drug or alcohol…; 2) A habitual or compulsive involvement in an activity, such as gambling."

Or cross-dressing.

Compulsive behaviors are linked to impulse control, with an enormous psychological dimension. That is, you don’t know why you want and need to do it, but every time your physical self "swears off" dressing, your psychological and emotional selves prevail and the behavior returns.

From my years of studying cross-dressers, I’ve found that planning an occurrence offers almost as much of a high as the occurrence itself. This makes quitting particularly difficult because a cross-dresser doesn’t require the actual clothing or even a private place in order to plan.

I wonder if the same dopamine-release theorized to be at work in the brain of a compulsive shoplifter is at work in a cross-dresser’s as well. Tests show that when shoplifters scope out a store and plan their theft and exit route, their hearts rise as much as at the moment of escape from the heist itself.

Shoplifters and cross-dressers aren’t the only addicts affected by the dopamine high that comes from planning; sex addicts refer to the arousal they get from driving around looking for targets, and coke addicts say that laying out a line of cocaine is a large part of their ultimate hit.

Even with non-compulsive activities, we can relate. Awaiting the arrival of a lover creates it. A child’s anticipation of opening gifts on Christmas does, too.

Because of the enormous complexity of gender identification and self-concept, I’m convinced that the mechanism at work in a cross-dresser’s brain trumps the pleasure principle that dopamine alone provides when we anticipate the arrival of a lover or even plan a shoplifting heist.

But even if it were just the feel-good hormone dopamine at work, you, dear heart, are experiencing what so many have told me over the years: that it’s impossible to resist long-term. The loop goes round and round: you swear off and then plan and plot and browse catalogues and web sites, your brain at work pumping dopamine throughout, until, finally, you cave and Just Do It.

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com or writing to her at Leg Show. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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