Anniversary Issue 2008
Photo by Jim Pullen, Glamour Photographics

In this anniversary issue, we turn the tables on Dear Jane and ask her the hard questions. It’s about time. After all, it’s been nearly a decade that Jane Vargas has entertained and enlightened us with her answers to questions from the readers of LEG SHOW. Now it’s her turn to sit in the hot seat.

LEG SHOW: Do you notice the nature of questions changing over the nine years that you’ve been writing your column?

Jane: All questions are valid, of course, and some are perennial favorites, such as "Is my penis too small?" or "How should I tell my wife I want to wear her underwear?" or "Am I gay because (fill in the blank)?" or "Am I normal to want to worship my girlfriend’s legs and feet?"

But I do notice trends, too. For instance, I receive far more questions about pantyhose-love now than I used to. A decade ago the fixation seemed to be more on stockings and garterbelts. Panty preferences, too, reflect a writer’s age … full-cut and bikini panties are still popular, but I receive far more mail about longings for thongs than I used to.

LEG SHOW: Why’s that?

Jane: Because sexual "mapping" occurs at a young age and, in the case of a man with a lingerie fetish, usually with the lingerie boys saw their mothers or older sisters wear. This was not because they found their mothers or sisters sexually desirable, but because these women are the first to introduce little boys to the mysteries and wonders of womanhood and symbols of female sexuality.

Hence, because men who are now in their fifties and sixties saw stockings and garters when they were young, that’s usually their preference. Men in their twenties, thirties, and forties tend to go more for pantyhose.

Same with panties. Men who are older saw their moms wearing full-cut; younger men saw bikini panties; and still younger men prefer thongs.

Younger men don’t necessarily fixate on slips at all while many older men swoon if they catch a glimpse of slip beneath the hem of a woman’s skirt.

I still see nylon as the fabric of choice, though. Perhaps someday men’s preferences will be cotton, mesh, or microfiber, which comprise most of today’s lingerie.

LEG SHOW: Which questions puzzle you most?

Jane: Those about penis size. In fact, I think this is another trend, men obsessing about the size of their penis. Men have always cared, of course, but preferences (for so many things) have to do with fashion and media attention.

In Ancient Greece, for example, smaller penises were considered more desirable than large; larger organs were associated with slaves and considered vulgar. Today, as marketers of penis pumps, Viagra, and various potions wiggle their way into men’s psyche, men believe that bigger is better.

LEG SHOW: It’s not? (laughs)

Jane: Admittedly, some women are "size queens." A man popular with female tourists here in Barbados, where I live much of the time, is so large that he’s known as "Tripod." He shows off his "third leg" by wearing a sock over it. But I maintain that it’s not his penis size that’s appealing so much as his confidence. It doesn’t hurt, either, that he has a beautiful physique and winsome personality.

If a man is so hung up on what he believes is his inadequate endowment, then he’ll miss the enjoyment of pleasing a woman or finding enjoyment in making love. Same when a woman focuses on what she believes are her inadequacies, such as cellulite or overweight. How can she be a good lover to her partner – or enjoy herself – when she’s thinking about her thighs?

Every one of us would be far more appealing to the opposite sex if we felt great about ourselves. Possessing confidence and a sense of fun go much farther (so to speak) than a nine-inch erection.

And, by the way – given the obsession over penis size – I’m surprised that any man allows himself to get fat. When a man gains weight, valuable, um, real estate becomes encroached upon…

LEG SHOW: From the letters you receive, what do you feel are the greatest misconceptions about sexuality?

Jane: My gosh, where to begin…?

Let’s start at the, um, end. Wanting anal pleasure is natural, for both sexes, regardless of sexual orientation. The anus contains a lot of nerve endings and most men find a great deal of pleasure when their prostates are stimulated with massage or penetration by a dildo. But many men worry that it "means" something to want anal stimulation.

This alone – wanting anal stimulation - generates a lot of psychological anguish for a man, but add to this a desire for anal sex while dressed in bra and panties and we’ve got a man in a lot of psychological confusion. If, on top of this, he wants his wife or girlfriend to sexually dominate him, including "taking" him anally - while dressed - then we’ve got a really confused man – and, if he tells his partner what he wants, probably a judgmental and confused woman as well.

And yet none of the above "means" he’s gay. Anal stimulation is about sexual pleasure, not sexual orientation.

LEG SHOW: Do you think there will ever be widespread acceptance in our society of fetishists and cross-dressers, say, the way we have general acceptance of gays?

Jane: I think widespread acceptance for CDs and fetishists will be difficult to achieve, partly because fetishists don’t band together as a group the way gays did (and do). There can’t be a watershed Stonewall type of rebellion for fetishists the way there was for gays (in ’69, when gays at New York City’s Stonewall Inn fought police harassment, triggering the beginning of the Gay Rights movement) because fetishists and CDs don’t gather together in groups the ways gays did. It’s far more difficult for individuals to work for widespread acceptance than it is for a group.

Second, the partners of gays are also gay. There’s a mutual understanding between partners. Fetishists and CDs are almost always partnered with heterosexual women who neither understand nor accept their husbands’ or boyfriends’ sexual proclivities.

If someone of prominence who commands widespread respect – someone like Oprah Winfrey - would come out and say, "This is part of my private life and I love it," much progress would be made.

LEG SHOW: Bottom line, what do you think the men who write you want?

Jane: What we all want: acceptance, understanding, and, if they can get it, celebration of the person they are, kinks and all. Each of us wants to be loved not "in spite of" but "because of" who we are.

My role is to start the process by assuring the writer that he really is okay, thereby giving him "permission" to have the desires he has. He doesn’t have a choice – we don’t choose our fantasies, they choose us – so he may as well enjoy himself.

I view fetishes and transgender play as gifts because they provide such incredibly intense pleasure. I wonder if these men experience greater pleasure than regular ol’ guys. I suspect so.

And yet even those "regular ol’" guys aren’t as "regular" as all that. For example, breast fetishism is so - excuse me - large that we don’t even consider it a fetish.

LEG SHOW knows as well as anyone that there’s no such thing as "normal" in sexuality. Some are more conventional than others, but no one bears the standard of what’s "okay" in sexuality. Each of us has a little secret or two that gets us hot.

LEG SHOW: Nearly a decade. Do the questions get repetitive for you?

Jane: Never. Each one comes from an individual and, as such, each is unique to that person. I feel the pain or confusion or misunderstanding in each writer’s story. Your readers are exceptional; I’m honored that they trust me with their private selves.

LEG SHOW: "Advice for Boys Who Need It Bad"? What do you mean, "bad"?

Jane: "Bad" as in "urgently." And "bad" as in "naughty." Sort of sums up your sexy readers, doesn’t it? Yum.

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com or writing to her at Leg Show. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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