July 2008
Photo by Jim Pullen, Glamour Photographics

Should She Date an Older Guy With a Thing for Feet?
Dear Jane,

I went out with a man last night who won't tell me his age. He's very handsome but I think he's close to 70 (I'm a very young-looking and youthful 50). He's very smart, madly dashing, mega-rich, and super-sophisticated.

He's clearly smitten with me. He loves my blue eyes, my long red hair, my nails…and, oh by the way, my feet.

Before you think I'm asking advice about what clearly is a foot fetish, I'll tell you it's not. I'm fine with the feet thing…I love my feet tended to and am happy to reciprocate. (I do wonder, though…don't men grow out of fascinations like this? I mean…at his age?!)

Anyway, I think I like him.

It feels weird, though, to be with such an older guy, although where I live it's not so unusual.

I'm seeing him again today; we’re going shopping. Who knows where we'll go from there…

What's your take on older men, Dr. Vargas - with or without the feet thing?

Should I…or shouldn’t I? He seems to be the answer to most of my dreams.

Dear Watch-What-You-Wish-For,

Everybody says it and now that I’m of a "certain age" myself, I believe it: age is relative. I have dated men ten years younger who seemed decrepit of mind, if not body, and older men who run circles around young studs.

The lucky men are those who have a youthfulness that never fades. How about your guy? How open are his views? How active is he? How’s his health? Do you two have lots in common? Do you have fun together? Can he get it up?

Oh, about that…No, darling girl, fetishes never go away entirely, although occasionally men tell me the urgency of theirs have faded over time. Since you’re open to playing with it, his love of feet can be an enormous benefit to your sex life with him. Even without a fetish to goose his … mind, an older man often requires more time and attention to become and stay aroused. For aging men, a fetish is a built-in sex enhancer.

An age difference needn’t matter, if you love him. It's wonderful to have male attention from an attractive man, as your guy is, but make sure you marry for love. (My mother used to say that women who marry for money earn every penny.) You seem pretty focused on his bank account, pretty lady, more so than you are on your emotions.

Just remember this: no matter how gorgeous the shoes he buys you on your shopping trip today might be – and I assure you, that’s where he’ll take you shopping - I advise that you keep a level head about you. When it comes to men, look inside, at your heart’s desire. Because you can’t cuddle with a man’s bank account, or a new pair of shoes.

Can Sex Be Addictive?
Dear Jane,

I believe my husband has a sex addiction; I want him to attend 12-step meetings for "sexaholism." I think he could benefit.

How much sex does he have? I’ve gotten him to admit that he masturbates daily (sometimes more than once). I know he looks at sex magazines because I see Leg Shows in his closet (which is where I discovered you, Dear Jane). I know, too, that he looks at porn on the Internet. All of this sex can’t be healthy for a middle-aged man with a wife and family.

Our sex life is, I believe, healthy. I accommodate him as often as I possibly can, almost every time he wants to have sex, which is around four times a week.

How do I get him to go to12-step meetings for his addiction? He’s overall a great husband and a good guy in pretty much every other way.

Wife of Oversexed Man

Dear Tired,

We live in such a puritanical society that almost anyone with a lower sex drive than another is in danger of being labeled a sex addict. Yes, your husband likes a lot of sexual stimulation. But, "sex addict"? That’s harsh.

A spouse who reinforces such language and label and leverages it against his or her partner is in danger of eroding a spouse’s self-esteem as well as the relationship itself. And how many claim their partners are "sex addicts" just because they are sexually adventurous, or because they have a fetish?

I don’t want to minimize the fact that sexually compulsive behavior (the preferred term) can seriously impact people’s lives in a very negative way - as can any compulsive behavior. If your husband is showing up for the rest of his life (going to work, playing with the kids, spending time with you, doing his share around the house, etc.), then I hope you reconsider pushing him toward a 12-step program.

If you’re emphatic about 12-step, consider your options.

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) uses a 12-step model in which "sobriety" is defined as no sexual activity, including masturbation, unless it’s between a husband and wife. (Such rigidity in sexual "rules" was also evident at last fall’s Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health conference in which a speaker said, "We can never be at one with God until we have completely removed all fantasy from our life.")

Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) also uses a 12-step model but allows each member to define his or her own sexual "sobriety."

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SALA) is yet another 12-step group; it’s the most sex-positive of the three and, like all three, is available online as well as in in-person groups.

"Sex addiction" has become big business. At the same conference I referred to above, a colleague told me that some 25 in-patient treatment programs exhibited. Their prices ranged from $40,000 to $75,000 for 28- to 45-day treatment programs. Even Oprah is fanning the sex-addiction flames; the doyenne of propriety announced that porn "addiction" was epidemic in our country.

For more on the phenomenon of sex and porn addiction, read "Sexual Addiction: Victorianism in Modern Dress" in Ira Reiss’ "An End to Shame: Shaping Our Next Sexual Revolution." It’s one of the few sex-positive books among over a thousand on Amazon addressing the topic of sex addiction.

Sex addiction: it’s the current fashion in sexual dysfunction name-calling. Be careful how you bandy the term about or to whom you apply it. Especially a man you love whose sexual appetite you may not understand.

He’s Getting in the Way of His Own Sexual Enjoyment
Dear Jane,

I was told by my therapist that I had a problem with "spectatoring." I am completely confused by the therapist’s explanation of what this is, but clearly got that he was trying to tell me I have a sexual problem, even though I’m not seeing this therapist for sexual reasons. Can you explain, please, what he’s talking about?

Thanks.

Hello Dear,

A term coined by sex researchers Masters & Johnson in 1970, spectatoring refers to a person being so self-conscious during intimate situations that it’s impossible to let go and enjoy oneself. You could call it low sexual-esteem.

You don’t say whether you’re a man or a woman; it can happen to both but is more common among women, as it’s women who tend to feel greater pressure in our society to be physically attractive and sexually appealing.

Here’s an example of how spectatoring might play out in a relationship: Marla and Hank are seeing a therapist because Hank is experiencing difficulties with premature ejaculation, which is affecting them as a couple.

A common approach to this situation would include a technique called sensate focus, which simply involves a couple lying together naked, touching one another without becoming sexual.

Marla is ashamed of her body and doesn’t feel comfortable naked. However, in order to help her marriage, she tries to follow through with the exercise.

At the next therapy session, Hank complains about the ineffectiveness of the exercise. It comes to light that Marla, so intensely focused on how unattractive her body is, is unable to enjoy intimacy with her husband.

Marla confesses that she cannot focus on sexual pleasure because she’s distracted by self-doubts. Instead of letting go, she focuses on questions such as, "How can he stand me when I look so unappealing?" In spectatoring, we see ourselves as we think a third party might – and judge accordingly.

Marla assumes her husband feels the same (distorted) way she does about her body. The couple begins healing, first, when Marla understands how her irrational thoughts contribute to her and her husband’s sexual difficulties, and, second, when she can adapt new beliefs about herself.

By changing her focus from internal (self-focus) to external (taking delight in her body’s sexual sensations and taking pleasure in her husband), Marla can begin enjoying intimacy. And, likely, the premature ejaculation problem will be greatly helped.

What a shame that any of us is thinking about our tummies or tushes or thighs or other parts instead of the great time we’re having. For the very sexiest among us aren’t the most gorgeous, but those expressing the sublime joy of good sexy fun.

Looking for Love that Can Get It Up
Hi Jane,

I am looking for a long-term relationship with a special lady but having a hard time meeting her. You see, I want this relationship to be with a transgendered girl.

I have dated many t-girls so I understand their special needs. I always treat them with understanding and respect. And I find them more womanly than most genetic women I know.

However, after a few dates I feel like it’s a business relationship more than a personal one. They want me to pay for plastic surgery, hormones, etc., etc.

I want to help out financially – and I have incentive to in that I want her to "pass" and be a woman outside the bedroom. However, IN the bedroom, I want her male parts to work. So, I’m hesitant to start paying for sexual re-assignment surgery and hormones and such.

How do I meet the special woman of my dreams, Jane? One who is beautifully feminine but has a raging hard cock, too.

Loves T-Girls

Dear Loves,

It's difficult to meet a special someone even when you aren't looking for the rare bird who is both male and female – and, unfortunately, when the hormones start flowing, less and less male where it counts.

It sounds as though you haven't had a lot of trouble finding t-girls to date; you’re just looking for The One. Well, doll, you have to do what the rest of us boring folks do: keep dating until you find her.

In your search, don’t discount cross-dressers; although CDs are predominantly heterosexual, some are looking for male partners. I’ve met plenty who transform into beautiful women – but have no desire to lose their male sexual functioning.

I know what you mean about t-girls (and some CDs) often being more "womanly" than the real thing. So much so that when you’re looking for alllll woman, ironically the best place to look is often a man who wants to be one.

Jane Vargas holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and can be found on the Internet at www.xtratalk.com. Ask for Jane’s advice on any aspect of fetish sexuality by e-mailing her at jane@xtratalk.com or writing to her at Leg Show. “Advice to Boys Who Need It Bad” is a registered trademark of X-traordinary Talk! Please note that Jane’s advice is from the viewpoint of a caring, softly dominant woman; it is not intended to replace professional therapy. All questions are “real,” although may be edited for length.

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